By Jenn Coulter
In 2009, Karyn Kusama and Diablo Cody blessed the viewing public with the cinematic masterpiece Jennifer’s Body. Yes, you heard me correctly.
Cinematic. Fucking. Masterpiece.
Unfortunately, none of the viewing public went to see said masterpiece. The majestic movie was a box-office flop, making only $6 million its opening weekend, and maintains a measly 43% on Rotten Tomatoes. This is a real shame, because Jennifer’s Body is the best thing to happen to film since Citizen Kane. No, it’s better than Citizen Kane, actually. Trust me, I’m an expert.
I went to film school.
What the Films (Surprisingly) Have in Common
Before we get into my reasons, let’s look at what the movies have in common. Other than both having vague movie posters that explain nothing, they were both box office tanks. Jennifer’s Body flopped partially because the movie was falsely advertised as a (horny) horror movie. It’s actually a (horny) horror-comedy. The marketing was pushed more towards young, boner-amped teenage boys, (you know, the ones that need to be over 17 or have their parent present…ew).
But, in its much-needed defense, the actual movie content is kind of tough to sell, which even the cast acknowledged.
Hell, as Megan Fox puts it:
“The movie is about a man-eating, cannibalistic lesbian cheerleader, and that pretty much eliminates middle America.”
Citizen Kane did poorly at the box office because big-deal-newspaper-publisher William Randolph Hearst hated the movie so much he barred newspapers from writing about it. Why’d he hate the movie? Oh, because the entire movie is essentially dedicated to bullying him. Protagonist Charles Foster Kane is based on Hearst, and throughout the film Kane gets progressively shittier and more pathetic. Naturally, Hearst was not pleased with this portrayal. With no reviews or even mentions of Citizen Kane in the paper, moviegoers passed on seeing a stuffy movie about capitalism and sleds.
Both movies also caused big problems for their respective stars’ careers. Have you seen Megan Fox in anything lately? Like, other than that (so bad it’s almost good, but mostly not at all) Ninja Turtles movie? And who knows, maaaaybe Megan Fox really did just go on hiatus to raise Brian Austin Green’s babies, but really, there’s nannies for that shit, so we at PopLurker aren’t playing that card!
But after all the drama surrounding Transformers led to her being called “ungrateful trailer trash” for complaining about how known sexist asshole Michael Bay treated her, there was a lot riding on her role in Jennifer’s Body. When it didn’t do well, followed by a few other flops like Jonah Hex, it ended the Megan Fox Hollywood hype.
Citizen Kane landed Welles in hot water because he pissed off one of the most powerful businessmen in America by making it. Studio RKO was not pleased by all this, especially since they lost so much money making the ambitious film. Studio heads were a bit iffy about working with Welles after all that.
The final thing they have in common is that neither film gets the recognition they truly deserve. Jennifer’s Body deserves to be heralded as the greatest movie of all time instead of just being known as, “That Movie Where Megan Fox Kisses a Girl” while Citizen Kane should be knocked down many pegs and be known only as “That Movie Where Megan Fox Does Not Kiss a Girl.”
All right- Enough comparing one golden film to an over-hyped shit heap.
Let’s get to the real goods. The thing that all of you are ready to see!
Here are ten reasons why Jennifer’s Body is the superior film.
10. Citizen Kane lacks the emotional depth of Jennifer’s Body
Sure, sure, Citizen Kane was doing things with the camera that no one ever thought to do before. Like, apparently Orson Welles was the first person to ever shoot a camera up at the ceiling or something. But story is what really makes a movie, and Citizen Kane’s pales in comparison to that of Jennifer’s Body. Needy Lesnicky has so much at stake here – her boyfriend might get eaten by her best friend who was sacrificed to the devil by an aspiring indie rock band.
What’s Citizen Kane even about? Newspapers? Being mean to your second wife? Watch the scene where Jennifer gets sacrificed and tell me you don’t feel raw emotion watching her get stabbed while Adam Brody sings “867-5309” by Tommy Tutone.
9. Citizen Kane only has that one memorable line, and Jennifer’s Body has like, fifty
“Rosebud.” Ooooh, it symbolizes his true desires and how material things mean nothing and blah blah blah. Yeah, big deal.
You know what would have been better? If Charles Foster Kane’s last words were, “Got a tampon? You seemed like you might be plugging.” Literally any line from Jennifer’s Body would have been infinitely better and more memorable. “Rosebud” cannot compete with the golden lines like “Nice hardware, Ace” “This is gonna be gnarly” or “I will eat your soul and shit it out.”
8. Citizen Kane didn’t win a single MTV Movie Award
Yeah, Citizen Kane got nominated for nine different Academy Awards. But honestly, do we even trust the Oscars anymore? Even Suicide Squad has an Oscar, but that doesn’t make it the greatest film ever made. An Academy Award means nothing, but an MTV Movie Award means everything, and Amanda Seyfried was awarded one in the prestigious “Best Scared-As-Shit Performance” category. Jennifer’s Body also earned Megan Fox a Teen Choice Award for “Choice Movie Actress: Horror/Thriller.” Did Citizen Kane ever get a Teen Choice Award? Noooope.
7. Jennifer’s Body’s soundtrack is vastly superior
Citizen Kane’s soundtrack was put together by Bernard Herrman. Who is Bernad Herrman? I don’t know, but he’s definitely not Brendan Urie, lead singer of Panic! At the Disco and performer of Jennifer’s Body trailer song “New Perspective.” The Jennifer’s Body soundtrack is full of songs by pop-punk champions like Hayley Williams, All Time Low, Dashboard Confessional, and Cute Is What We Aim For. The reason the film has so many emo darlings is because pop-punk titan Fueled by Ramen was the label in charge. Which brings us to my next point…
6. Citizen Kane did not give me free stickers with my purchase from the Fueled By Ramen store
Granted, they may have only sent me these stickers because no one was actually buying them but…all I ever got from Citizen Kane was a C on my film history paper.
5. Citizen Kane features absolutely zero bisexual icons named Megan Fox
Bisexual representation is hard to find, and when Jennifer Check said, “I go both ways,” it changed my life. Jennifer’s Body is slowly but surely becoming known as a “queer classic,” while Citizen Kane is just a lame “regular classic” that does not star real life bisexual Megan Fox.
4. If Citizen Kane is such a technical masterpiece, why didn’t it feature anyone floating in the air?
I admit that Citizen Kane did have some innovative camera tricks. But Jennifer’s Body still did better. During the climax of the movie, Megan Fox is not only seen floating in the air above a pool, but she also gets an entire pole rammed through her.
I doubt Orson Welles could have pulled anything like that off. Jennifer’s Body also made Jennifer’s victims look like “lasagna with teeth,” which is something only a master makeup artist and production designer could put together. Meanwhile, Citizen Kane had a random RKO janitor doing their old man makeup. Booo.
3. Jennifer’s Body shaped the face of cinema just as much as Citizen Kane did
Well. It changed the face of student films from New Jersey that I never finished making, anyways. Do you know how many scripts I wrote in college that were inspired by Jennifer’s Body? Many. Do you know how many were inspired by Citizen Kane? None. Because Citizen Kane, if you haven’t already figured out, sucks. I had to watch that shit three times for three separate classes. This translates to, “I fell asleep three times in three separate classes.”
2. They’re not even sure who actually wrote Citizen Kane
However, we know exactly who wrote Jennifer’s Body – absolute genius and gift to the cinematic world, Diablo Cody. Orson Welles is credited as writing the screenplay with Herman Mankiewicz, but it’s been said that Welles didn’t write a single word. I would believe he didn’t write any of it, because…
1. Orson Welles is a hack
On set of Citizen Kane, Welles basically drove his body into the ground. He drank thirty to forty cups of coffee a day and got caffeine poisoning, and then tried switching to tea and got sick all over again. In one scene of the movie, there’s stock footage of pterodactyls flying in the background instead of birds because the production cheaped out and projected scenes from an old sci-fi movie.
Welles also treated actress Dorothy Comingore like shit on set, and then said “I’m not mistreating her. I treat her exactly as she expects to be treated”. He even got booed at the 1941 Oscars ceremony, because he’s a hack. Meanwhile, Jennifer’s Body director Karyn Kusama has left her movies pterodactyl-less and doesn’t seem to be abusing any of her co-workers, and therefore is Not a Hack.
There you have it. Ten absolutely legitimate, scientifically proven reasons why Jennifer’s Body deserves to be crowned the new greatest movie ever, and why Citizen Kane should probably just be thrown into the trash. It took many, many years before people actually recognized the “genius” of Citizen Kane, so hopefully, in a few years the American sheeple will wake up and embrace Jennifer’s Body for the landmark film it is. I mean, honestly. Citizen Kane isn’t even named after a Hole song.
Why are we still giving it any attention?
Jenn loves anime and thinks Jennifer’s Body is the jam. Follow her on Twitter!
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