Final Fantasy VII is getting a remake.
Spoiler Warning: Spoilers ahead. You’re welcome.
Jokes aside, the game is also 20 years old. So really, these spoilers are practically public domain at this point. And hell, if you play on the PS4 or PC with so cheats it’s like you’re almost not playing at all! Therefore, you’d have the game spoiled for you anyway.
Aren’t justifications neat?
The nearly 21-year-old game (we can feel old together, okay?) started a phenomenon that thrust JRPGs into the spotlight, spawned a movie sequel, and several spin-off titles. Fans had long been clamoring for an official remake ever since Advent Children came out and it was pretty.
Then finally, in 2015, Square Enix made their official announcement: a remake would be ours!
I say someday because there’s no official release date and we’re going on year three here. This already agonizing wait is made even harder by the lack of details that have been released, leaving us fans to just wait, wait, wait.
And, you know…speculate.
As much as I love the game, Final Fantasy VII leaves the player with so many unanswered questions after the final credits roll.
Do Scarlet and Heidegger explode in that robot?
Why is that guy in Wall Market making soup in the street?
Is the man living alone on the edge of the snow-covered Gaea’s Cliffs happy with his decision to abandon his family?
As important as those queries might be (I mean, is it a weird sexual thing, snow cliff guy?), there are more pressing issues I’d like to see answered in the long-awaited remake:
7. What’s up with Aeris’ mom’s flower palace?
“Look…you can see the surface now. This city don’t have no day or night. If that plate weren’t there…we could see the sky,” Barret tells Cloud at the beginning of the game.
Oh really, Barret?
Then explain the mansion Aeris lives in that’s sitting in the middle of what basically amounts to Midgar’s botanical garden.
We’ll get to that bumblebee wet dream in a second, but first we need to talk about that “house”. It’s located in the slums of Midgar where most of the homes look cobbled together out of metal sheeting and corrugated cardboard, yet somehow, they have the only McMansion on the block.
One screen over, people are literally living in tubes, and somehow Elmyra Gainsbough’s rocking 2.5 baths and a custom stone floor. Her husband died in the war, so maybe he had a crazy life insurance policy that allowed her to afford all this? Is she blackmailing somebody at Shinra, or get a hefty payout following a battle arena injury at Gold Saucer? If you have money, why do you stay in the slums and risk constantly getting robbed by the tube people? And if you don’t have money, why don’t you sell the only fertile land in the slums and take your daughter that Shinra’s dying to get their hands on the hell out of that sketchy city?
Back to that garden. The fact that it even exists is mind bending. The slums are below a city on a plate, so they supposedly get no light. Now I’m no botanist, but I’m pretty sure plants need sunlight to grow, let alone thrive. On top of that, Shinra’s poisoned the soil, so nothing should be able to grow there even in endless sunlight. But does that house look like it’s in perpetual darkness? Those are waterfalls in the background.
Water. Falls. In the slums.
Where is that coming from? Is that sewer runoff? Because there sure as hell aren’t any crystal clear rivers running through that shit hole of a city. Maybe it smells horrible there. Maybe that keeps the thieves away.
Sure, you can argue that Aeris’ half-Cetra blood gives her special abilities to make plants grow in harsh conditions, but I still don’t think she’s capable of performing photosynthesis. So, is that house located through some kind of warp portal? At least stop trying to claim it’s part of the slums, because there needs to be one hundred percent more tubes before that’s the case.
Or at least show some stink lines around that water fall.
6. What happened to the doctor who gave Barret his arm?
After Shinra burned down his hometown and shot his arm off, Barret tossed out his boring artificial limb and got a gun grafted on instead – nothing says revenge like giving your arm the right to permanently bear arms. At one point he informs Cloud that the doc who did the operation told him they also gave a gun arm to some other guy.
Whoa, back it up there, Barret. There’s some doctor out there grafting weapons onto people’s bodies? Repeatedly? What else have they done? Flame thrower feet? Cannon necks? Knife fingers? I know he’s not people, but can they make Cait Sith useful? Where does this doctor live? Why are you holding back, Barret? Why won’t you tell me?
Considering our current standards for new members (girl who straight up robbed us, a borderline corpse and I already mentioned Cait Sith), this individual would make an invaluable member of the team. So why is this doctor just glossed over? I think they’re missing an opportunity by not having them pop up in the story somewhere, even if it’s just to repair Cait Sith after I “accidentally” push him off the gondola platform at Gold Saucer. I swear it wasn’t on purpose. Yuffie will vouch for me, and she’s totally trustworthy. All that materia she’s carrying with the price tags still on were gifts.
5. Why is there a corpse room in the Shinra mansion?
Okay, don’t start with me here. Don’t go on a rant about how it’s impossible for Vincent to have been “sleeping” or pouting or whatever he was doing in that coffin, without any food or water for an uncomfortable number of years. He’s half-dead/half-monster/half-something you don’t want to think about. You just have to accept it and move on. Maybe I’m mostly talking to myself here, but what we really need to talk about is the corpse room the gang discovers him in.
Because it is a corpse room.
You know…maybe corpse room is too strong a word. Maybe skeleton room, or random bone room would be more appropriate. Not only are there four caskets containing exposed skeletons in there, but there is a wall of skulls back there behind Vincent. That is a disturbing amount of bones for anything that is not a crypt from the Middle Ages. Where the hell did all those bones come from? Who were those poor souls? Were they Hojo experiments that couldn’t go the distance? As part of his employment contract, does Hojo get to murder a random person every year and put their bones on display in some fucked up Final Fantasy version of The Lottery? Is this where the Turks hide the bodies? Has no one in this company heard of cement shoes? Or a shallow grave in the woods?
It’s the only room in this former party palace (come on, you’ve got to assume Shinra used to get down and dirty here back in the day) that’s locked, so they must be somewhat ashamed of it. After all, they let anybody waltz into the adjacent library and get their fill reading up on their years of secret experiments, even someone who was a subject in these experiments, and does not take the news well.
Oh, and why don’t any of the other coffins have a lid? At least cover up your shame, Shinra. Also your lock sucks, and Hojo left a note explaining how to find the key in the fucking lobby.
4. What the heck is the Chocobo Sage? And what’s his deal?
The Chocobo Sage is a floating gas ball of an old man who lives in a cabin on the Northern Continent. He has no arms or legs, holds a cane with his mustache and keeps a green chocobo as a pet that he will not let you steal. So… what is he?
Is he a ghost? I mean ghosts can wear hats, right? Did he die up there, and the chocobo ate him, and now his ghost haunts the cabin?
His memory is terrible, which would support the ghost theory. Maybe his spirit is confused, and he’s slowly trying to remember the man/thing he was before: the chocobo expert who lived alone in a secluded cabin selling nuts to randos who happened to wander all the way into the middle of nowhere without freezing to death.
Although if he’s a ghost, he doesn’t need money, it’s not like he needs money to feed the chocobo when he’s in the greens business. Is he growing the greens? In the snow? I can’t imagine he’s organized enough to get shipments or run a legitimate business. What did he pay in taxes last year? See, this is why you can’t attempt to apply logic to video games. Maybe he’s just some kind of monster or Bugenhagen’s cousin.
After all, they both float.
3. How is Reeve controlling Cait Sith?
It’s the question that launched a thousand message board topics – just what is the deal with Reeve and Cait Sith? The basics seem simple enough. Cait Sith is a cat robot which Reeve controls. But…Cait Sith is a cat robot sitting on a stuffed mog that can also move, but the mog is not a robot, is it? After all, Cait Sith is seen in Advent Children functioning independently with no mog in sight, and the instruction manual says that Cait Sith brought the mog to life…so the robot is a wizard?
My head hurts already.
Reeve, a Shinra executive turned drone enthusiast, has an involvement with the robo-cat that’s up for debate. Some believe that Cait Sith (just the cat part) is a highly advanced AI with its own personality that can do its own thing unless Reeve decides he wants to have contact with the outside world or get a glimpse of someone undressing in front of the “powered-off” robot. Then he can give Cait orders or speak through it, passing on Shinra secrets, like how Palmer pays prostitutes just to cover him in jelly.
Then there’s the argument that Reeve is controlling Cait Sith all the time, but how? He’s never shown with any kind of controlling device or headset, even during sections of the game where we’re flipping back and forth between Cait Sith and the man behind the mog. At one point we see Reeve get arrested and apologize to Cloud and the gang, which we assume gets transmitted back to them via the robot. BUT HOW? He even manages to control the thing from wherever he’s being held prisoner, and I doubt Shinra runs any super laid back prisons where video games are freely allowed. You’re more likely to be on some chain-gang, digging trenches for Heidegger’s special toilet.
So, Caith Sith’s part of Reeve’s brain then, right? Shush, don’t think about it too much, but clearly Hojo shoved a chip up Reeve’s nose after he fell asleep at his desk and now he and the robot share a soul. Or maybe Reeve built the robot himself, which brings up a whole bunch of other questions about why somebody thought a cat would make a great robot in the first place, let alone a fantastic candidate to mount on a stuffed animal and spit out lame fortunes while spying on Shinra’s most wanted enemies.
Then again, Cloud did take it along with little resistance, so know your audience, I guess.
2. How does Cait Sith come back so fast after the Temple of the Ancients is destroyed?
At a pivotal moment in the game, Cait Sith sacrifices his stuffed body to become the black materia, allowing the party to call finders keepers before Sephiroth gets his murderous hands on it. What a noble sacrifice, right? I mean, he sucked at telling fortunes, got us arrested at Gold Saucer, has a limit break that can murder us all, and straight up betrayed us – if one “friend’s” gotta go, robot or not, this one’s a prime choice. The game makes you watch the cat/mog combo wax poetically about going away forever, and then it turns into a black ball of death.
AND THEN THE CAT COMES BACK.
Before you can even get through one verse of “Danny Boy” the “one and only” Cait Sith returns, bouncing over like we didn’t just slam the Temple door and wait for him to puzzle himself to death two seconds ago. I can maybe buy Reeve having a back-up robot on hand, he seems like the type who brings two lunches to work into case Heidegger eats one, but how the hell did he get it to this deserted island so fast? Did he beam it over? Does he have Star Trek level technology?
Well guess what, robot, if you go to “sacrifice” yourself again, don’t bother with any last words, because now I know Reeve’s got dozens of you set up in a room somewhere, all wearing party hats sitting around a decaying cake. Since nobody came to his birthday last year, now he celebrates every day.
1. How did Red XIII get captured by Shinra?
This is actually a trick question, because Square Enix did answer this question. Unfortunately, they answered it in a game nobody outside of Japan has been able to play. That game is Before Crisis, the awesome Turks game about the awesome Turks and all their awesomeness. Of course, the always awesome Turks were responsible for kidnapping Nanaki away from Cosmo Canyon, but I can’t be the only fan outside Japan who would like to see how that went down. Red XIII isn’t the type that would go down without a fight, so it’s only fair to the character that we understand how he ended up in Hojo’s clutches.
Whenever we get our hands on this remake, whether it be next year or twenty more years from now, hopefully we’ll see some of these questions answered. Or Square Enix could always be super nice and release Before Crisis to the rest of the world in the meantime. I’d take that. Because I’m having a before-crisis of my own waiting for this remake.
You could call Lauren a One-Winged-Angel, but she really just has her head in the Leons…or Cloud…s.
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