By Loryn Stone
Pregnancy is a unique experience. I’ll even go out on a limb and say interesting. Hell, depending on who you ask, the word interesting might not have such a good connotation. As for me, I made the conscious, planned decision to get pregnant (twice) and those pregnancies resulted in two healthy children. I was lucky- in the grand scheme of how a pregnancy can go, mine were both low risk and easy. The babies survived and were born healthy. I didn’t gain much weight, my health was good, and both deliveries were pieces of epidural-hazed cake.
More or less uneventful, mostly uncomfortable, yet harmless experiences.
I did, however, learn a bunch of weird-ass words.
There are many symptoms and side effects of that whole pregnancy thing. I’ve seen a plethora of articles and books that go into great detail about the week-by-week growing progress (with corresponding sized fruit) of said baby in growth-spurt action. But within the realm of nature’s miracle, there are some…well…occurrences that feel less than natural.
And some of the words assigned to them sound ballistic as fuck.
7) Baby Dance
The first time I heard the term Baby Dance was probably on one of those Trying-to-Conceive forums I used to lurk all the time. I figured that if I surrounded myself with pregnant thoughts, it would come to me faster. Which of course, is nonsense. Trying to get pregnant is funny thing. A surprisingly difficult thing, at that. I mean, TV shows, movies, and Seventeen magazine all convince you that you can roll over in someone’s wet dream and poof. Fucking pregnant.
That is how it happened to Andrea in 90210, right?
But in reality, it’s way harder. You have to like…time that shit out to ovulation. And if you’re too stressed or too something else, or if your dude’s little swimmers aren’t ripe enough…then your window of making a person has just shrunk for a bunch of shitty, uncontrollable reasons. Truthfully, Baby-Making sex (after the first like 2-3 tries) isn’t even fun anymore. It becomes an annoying-ass chore. One that’s less about you and your partner riding the train to the Bone-Zone and more about completing a task with an objective at the end.
Enter the Baby Dance.
Baby Dancing, long and short, is sex with the specific intention of conceiving a baby. I’m guessing it’s meant to sound cute, but all I can see in my head are two naked cartoon characters drawn like a Cathy comic, snapping their fingers and gyrating their hips closer while the bed remains uninvitingly empty, like even it knows that everything about to go down is an embarrassingly bad idea.
6) Baby Gravy
Mmm, baby jus. Now, assuming you and your partner were successful at that Baby Dancing thing, congratulations! You’re going to have a baby. And you can’t do it it without some sweet, sweet, Baby Gravy.
Wait, what exactly does this term mean?
The first time I heard this, I wasn’t sure what to do. But much like any new parent wanting to research every stage of her pregnancy, I did a little search. And friends, there’s some conflict in the force.
According to my sources, Baby Gravy is the cute name for Amniotic Fluid, the liquid the baby develops and floats in like a little baby balloon during the course of their gestation.
However, according to that filthy, filthy internet, Baby Gravy is the not-so-cute slang for Sperm. That sticky mess that got us into this…sticky mess.
We really are a divided nation.
5) Hamburger/Cheeseburger Crotch
Now this one…this whole premise is just a bummer. And let me tell you, the first time I heard the term Hamburger Crotch, my brain went right for the graphic visual. All right, so check this insanity out:
“Cheeseburger crotch was apparently coined by someone that has no regard for those of us that love cheeseburgers, and it refers to the appearance of a swollen vagina during pregnancy, where the justification for the term seems to be that you looked like you shoved a cheeseburger down your pants.”
Upon reading about this physical conundrum which I was blessedly not a victim of, all I can feel is just horrible for the poor, confused, uncomfortable women who have to go through this gnarly, difficult time in their blood swollen pregnancies.
But strangely still hungry for a burger.
4) Lightning Crotch
Now that the proverbial pregnant woman is in a state of crotchital discomfort, it’s time to up the game, because that damn baby is only getting bigger. And as that nutrient sucking, adorable little schtunkus inside of you grows, so does the feeling of their head/feet/everything pounding on your nerves.
Enter the phenomena known as Lightning Crotch.
Before even knowing what in the hell this means, that phrase sounds cool as shit. It’s so damn awesome, I want it to be my metal band’s name. Fucking Lightning Crotch. Sadly, what is means is way less cool than it sounds.
“Lightning crotch is caused by the pressure and position of the baby as they descend into the birth canal to get ready for delivery. The good news is lightning pain means you are getting closer to delivery day. The bad news is that lightning can happen for weeks before you actually go into labor.”
And this is one, I’ve personally experienced. It feels like zaps of electricity zapping inside your cool parts. Other women have compared the sensation to being stabbed with daggers and have affectionately coined it as Vag Dags or Vagina Daggers.
Vag Dags is going to be my Mad Max action movie name someday.
3) Bloody Show
The Bloody Show. I want you to take a second and just say this phrase out loud a few times. Like, really let this one marinade in your mouth for a few minutes and say it with conviction. Bloody Show.
When I utter this phrase, I’m immediately transported to the movie Carrie. You know which scene I’m talking about, the one at the end. Carrie is covered in blood and making crazy face. And what a show she puts on, taking the entire gym and school dance down to Fire Town with her. The only difference is in my version, the one in my head, the lighting is different and there are curtains on the stage.
Hey, you know, creative details are important when you’re designing your own Bloody Show.
I’ll stop stalling. Bloody Show is the term for the bloody mucus your body releases when labor is getting near. Of course, for some women it’s a false alarm and their mucus plug grows back. Which is literally exactly what it sounds like, a plug sealing off their cervix so bacteria can’t enter the gentle uterus baby-lab). But for a great portion of women (science statistic, no sources needed) it really means the labor “show” is about to start. The Bloody Show is your opening act to the most intense show you’ll ever see.
But this phrase is legit. And for many women, it’s a very happy thing. It means they’re at the end of their pregnancies, at peak physical discomfort, and they’re getting closer and closer to meeting their babies.
2) Ring of Fire
The Ring of Fire is the final stage of the interdimensional cataclysm known as pregnancy. It’s the last challenge, the final boss in all objectives, the only thing holding you back from seeing that baby and ending this nine-month nonsense experience.
I’m not even kidding.
“Your baby is descending down the birth canal and about to come out after all your pushing. Your vagina and perineal tissue is being stretched to the max. Then, your baby’s head reaches its largest circumference and is crowning. Until their head comes out far enough for your tissue to actually shrink back down, you feel the ring of fire. It’s an intense stretching that can feel like burning. There’s an extreme pressure that pushes you to the cusp of intensity.”
All right, all right, it’s not quite as dramatic as it sounds (unless you’re one of the women in the terrible position whose Top-Secret-Area rips during pregnancy, but you’re going to take precautions and make sure that doesn’t happen to you, right?
Breathe deep, our journey is nearing the end. But we’re going to need some postpartum relief. And for us, that’ll come in the form of…
Less of a tasty snack and more of a soothing trick for your tender bits, the Padsicle is an invention created by a really smart, crafty woman, very likely on Pinterest. Your body is healing from a huge ordeal and you must be kind to it. I was sent home from the hospital with industrial sized menstrual pads and a squirt bottle to rinse off my business.
And no, it doesn’t double as a little squirt bidet. Because you won’t be pooping. Not for a while.
But a Padsicle…now that I could have gone for in my pillow-sitting-wrecked body state. Essentially, they are thick pads soaked with Witch Hazel, Aloe Vera Gel, and lavender oil. Postpartum or not, that sounds amazing. Cool and soothing, tingly and happy. Shit, I’d take one of those things right now.
Or just teach the hilarious word to my kids and laugh while they say it.
Follow Loryn on Twitter and she’ll tell you more things out of bloody context. She also has an author page and blog here. Her debut novel “My Starlight”, a young adult contemporary story about sexuality, anime fandom, cosplaying, and friendship, is due out August 3rd 2018 by Affinity Rainbow Publications.
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