20 Worst First Dates We’ve Ever Been On!

By PopLurker Readers

 

People typically like pairing up together into those adorable “We’s” known as couples. But before you get to that precious “brunch and a hike” phase of your relationship, you’re faced with that thing of nightmares: The First Date. Not everyone has that story- many relationships sort of organically segue into this beautiful “We met at the bar and now we Ikea together.” But for the rest of us…

Oh, the rest of us…

We asked our PopLurker readers for their worst first dates, and after hearing some of these, well…maybe monogamy really is for quitters after all.

 

20) Not so Foxy…

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“One time I had a wonderful date with a guy so we went back to the house. Everything was going great getting hot and heavy until we moved to his bed and I sat down and he Yelped like an animal in pain. Turns out I “sat in his tail” because he’s a kitsune mind you I wasn’t on anything I left through the bathroom window while I was trying to “freshen up””

 

19) Unappetizing Lady…

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“She ate drippy greasy food with her hands when it was very clearly not finger food.”

 

 18) Revenge of the Nerd…

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“On a first date we went for tacos and the place only took cash, which I didn’t have. He did not offer to pay the $4 for the tacos I ordered so I had to walk to the corner 7-11 ATM, which cost me an extra $5 for the transaction fee. He spent the next three hours telling me how he beat up/got revenge on his middle school bullies, in great detail. I was too freaked out to listen, but I remember something about using the gym lockers as a cheese grater for someone’s face and then pissing on them…”

 

 17) Romantically Unemployed…

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“One time, a guy picked me up and our date was filling out applications at the mall. There wasn’t a second date. Nor did I get a job.”

 

16) How do I make Date happen?

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“Against my better judgment, I met a guy from AOL. He physically wasn’t my type at ALL, but I thought I’d be kind and broaden my horizons. He shows up at my house holding a teddy bear or something awful. Dude immediately drives to a make-out point expecting play. This wasn’t aggressive expectation. It was completely stupid. More like “well, time for this!” I laughed at him and told him to take me home.”

 

15) Best Friend Says Hi…

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“I picked up my date who said our destination was a “surprise”, so I followed his verbal directions. After 20 minutes of winding roads and forest he says “Right there! Pull over at this corner”. Well, the only thing I could see was what looked like a rock wall on a small incline. He beckons me up this small hill and through a gate and then I see we are in a very old colonial cemetery. He sits on this patch of ground without a marker on it and says, “This is where my best friend is buried, come meet him!” And pats the grass beside him. I declined and just kept walking around the graves. He was talking to himself (or the dead bestie) for a good 5 minutes. I dropped him off at home and I took myself out for a slice of pizza.”

 

 

14) The Dirty Martini…

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”Blind date, we were set to meet at a bar. I was sitting in straight eye shot of the door, homegirl walks in we make eye contact, she does a straight up cartoon take like “nope!” Turns around and walks out. I proceeded to get wasted, the bar tender witnessed all this and gave me too many drinks for free. I get to gabbing with the other patrons at this bar, I end up drunk making out/messing around with this lady who’s an elementary teacher. I go with her back to her place around the corner. Outside her door, she throws up on my shoes.”

 

13) Hot for Brother…

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“I agreed to go out with a guy because I had a crush on his brother. I never saw either of them again after that one lame date. Sadly, I wasn’t even old enough to drink yet.”

 

 12) Snark with a side of Cash…

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“A first date told me she thought I lived a life of privilege way too carelessly as entrees arrived and thought my attempts to make my life story sound whimsical were abhorrent. I just nodded and said ‘Ok, I’ll stick to current events. Is it ok if we split the check?’”

 

11) The Charming Vomit…

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“I was an hour late and had to keep leaving the table to spew because I was so hungover. We’re now married!”

 

10) Totally not a Stalker, Big Dawg…

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“Let me tell you about the first date that was so bad it made me stop going to Wal-Mart. I was at said store late one night buying cat litter when a guy stopped me to tell me I was beautiful and ask me out. Cut to our date, he took me to the dollar theater and made me pay for my own ticket, then after the movie insisted we go out to eat, but after I ordered he announced he was a vegan and didn’t eat at restaurants. So he watched me eat for half an hour. We never called each other so I thought we both knew it wouldn’t work. Until about 6 weeks later when I was back at Wal-Mart and ran into him. Turns out he lost my number so he was hanging at the store in all his free time trying to find me.”

 

9) A Very Poopie Time…

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“A girl I was super into asked me out and picked me up in her really cool bright orange Jeep. I didn’t realize she was driving while tripping on acid till we were halfway to a concert. Luckily, we made it alive. I celebrated by taking some acid with her! After the show we hung out at a park and had sex/passed out in her Jeep. When we woke up in the morning/afternoon, she had shit herself. It got all over me and the car, too. She drove me back, completely silent, and we never hung out again.”

 

8) Prized Possession…

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“Finally went out with a girl I’d been into for ages, only to get violently ill halfway through dinner. And I mean VIOLENTLY. No second date. Found out years later my roommate (with whom I began a long-term relationship soon after) had poisoned me.”

 

7) Nice to Bore You…

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“A friend set me up on a blind date once. When I arrived to pick her up, her parents answered the door and invited me in. We all sat at the kitchen table and the parents proceeded to ask me tons of questions. My date never said a word. The entire date I kept trying to get to know her but she was very shy and gave a lot of single word answers. After the movie, I took her home, SHOOK HER HAND!, and went home. Found out later she thought I was too boring, which is fair.”

 

6) Here Jailbait, Jailbait, Jailbait…

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“When I was 19/20 I met a cute girl on Myspace and asked her out. She was still in high school but said she was 18. I picked her up and swore she only looked 15/16. Then she said she “forgot something at school”. This girl took me to her school to show me off in front of the cheerleaders. Dread.”

 

5) H for Hypocrite…

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“I used to casually mess around with this dude when I was 20. 2nd base & stuff. Finally, he asked me on a legit date to the movies. We saw V for Vendetta where we held hands the whole flick. At the end of the night I went in for a good night kiss. He said I was “too aggressive””

 

4) Third Wheel Express…

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“Went out with a dude and he brought his friend/ride who was MUCH cuter/sexier. Tried to hide my attraction, but it was mutual and pretty darn awkward.”

 

3) Big, Beautiful Monster Babies…

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“I felt bad for a dude who had a crush on my sister and she wouldn’t even take his phone calls. I told him I’d come out with him, why not? Yeah, I pity dated this guy for like 6 months. He wore a jester’s cap and a trench coat everywhere. If I didn’t have to look at him it was fine. I finally broke it off with him when he told me he was “King of The Witches” and he wanted me to be his queen and that our children would rule over the world. He went to use the bathroom and I snuck out of his mom’s house and drove away.”

 

 2) Hide the Beef…

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“I had a Montreal smoked meat sandwich. She was a hardcore vegan. Good times.”

 

1) Mutual Date-Ditching…

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“In college. Online date. We met at the mall and I took her to dinner. She lied about her age which didn’t bother me but it meant we had nothing in common. She went to the bathroom and I paid bill and left… Just to see her in the hallway sneaking out too.”

 

 

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