By PopLurker Readers

 

As parents, it’s our job to do our best to raise strong, smart, virtuous, intelligent, moral young men and women. Every day is another chance to show our children the beauty and wonders of the world around us and guide them along this glorious adventure known as life. But if that’s the case…

Why in the ever-loving shit were our own parents such fucking liars?

We asked our readers some of the most bold-faced psycho-dick lies and myths their parents told them growing up. As you can expect, the responses were nothing short of bat-shit insane.

 

15) Squirrel Myth

“My Dad once told me if you step on a dead squirrel, it’ll bite you. I believed that shit until I was like, fourteen.”

 

14) Peanut Butter Myth

“Putting butter on sunburns or peanut butter to remove gum from anything. FU to both of those.”

 

13) Fork Myth

“If you hold your fork too low people are going to think you’re a crazy person.”

 

12) Baby Myth

“If you leave a baby in a dark room without a night lite, the duendes (magical dwarves/elves) will come steal the baby’s soul.”

 

11) Rice Myth

“If you don’t finish all the grains of rice in your bowl each grain of rice will be a pockmark on your future husband/ wife’s face.”

 

10) Sex Myth

“If you don’t let your husband/boyfriend cum in you during sex, he’ll cheat on you.”

 

9) Shower Myth

“Washing your hair in the shower gives you back pimples. I guess the thought is that when you wash, the hair oils have to run down your back as you rinse, etc. This is why when I’m at home I need to wash my hair in the garage sink. This is not a joke.”

 

8) Food Myth

“My mom always insisted beans and rice was a complete protein. It’s not. She wasn’t the only one who said that. It was a generational thing that was proven false but she always said it anyway.”

 

7) Baby Myth

“When driving I shouldn’t run over/hit trash bags on the side of the road because they could contain bombs and or babies. I’m am not joking. I was literally told this.”

 

6) Bunny Myth

“My mother told us that when you drove by a cemetery you had to hold your hand out towards it, in a fist with your thumb pointing down and repeat, “bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny, bunny…” until the end of the property, then you finish with “…rabbit!” or you’d have bad luck.”

 

5) Whistle Myth

“If you whistle at the dinner table you’ll end up marrying a crazy person.”

 

4) Cemetery Myth

“The one I heard as a kid is to not stare at the cemetery for too long while driving by or you might take an unexpected guest home with you.”

 

3) More Whistling Myth

“If you whistle indoors, you’ll lose all your money.”

 

2) More Baby Myth?!?!

“I was told to shave my baby’s head so their hair grows in ‘better’.”

 

1) Hygiene Myth

“Don’t start shaving your legs because the hair will grow back thicker.”

 

 

If you like what you see here, you can follow PopLurker on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram!

 

Statement: PopLurker is not owned by a corporation. We are a small collective of writers trying to make content that will make the internet a happier place. When you show our Patreon some love, you’re supporting the little guy whose sole mission is to help make your day a little brighter. If you’re able to, please contribute so we can continue making more hilarious content!