21 Times We Couldn’t Hold Our Liquor!

By PopLurker Readers


Alcohol often makes us do dumb shit. Whether we drink too much and doing something stupid or drink a certain spirit and act a-fool, boozy regret comes in many shapes and forms. Today on PopLurker, we asked our readers for some of their best Tales of Inebriation, and the resulting reports knocked us on our ass.


21) Drunk Action Hero


“I got drunk at a party and thought I could walk down a flight of stairs on my hands like Jackie Chan. I ended up dragging my body down that flight of stairs while screaming, ‘I am Jackie Chan, I AM JACKIE CHAN!’”


20) M is For Mistakes


“The night I thought it would be a great idea to drink everything that starts with the letter M. Martini, Mai Tai, Margarita, Moscow Mule…I crawled to the bathroom….”


19) The Sour Pyramid


“Had a boy’s weekend in Vegas with my guitarist. Drank so much we got lost on the Strip and spent all night searching for the giant pyramid that constantly eluded us. Passed out and both of us woke up covered in roughly two gallons of cheap booze and stomach lining.”


18) Reach into my Crate


It was somewhere in my early 20s when tequila and I had such a wild night I ended up walking up and down the street, carrying a crate and asking strangers if they wanted to buy my avocados. There were no avocados.”


17) Spreading the Love


“I’m not allowed to drink whiskey. It makes me want to kiss everybody. No, really. Every. Body.”


16) Strawberry Fields Forever


“When I was 14, I didn’t know pot and wine were a lethal mix. Well, half a bottle of Strawberry Fields and 2 hits of pot later and I was upside down passed out in the front yard with my sister’s friends taking pictures on top of my corpse.”


15) Puke-Coat Mafia


“I was 14 and there was a Halloween party at a friend’s. A few beers, a few Flaming Dr Peppers, and a few bowls of weed later and I threw up all over some guy and his long black leather trench coat. Oh, then the backseat of my sister’s Jetta.”


14) Oh, Canada


“Went to a house party in West Vancouver in our final year at high school. After a night of drinking nothing Appleton Estate straight out of the bottle on an empty stomach, I passed out and awoke on Bowen Island, my body probably carried to Horseshoe Bay and ferried across the river. There, I woke up in the host’s bedroom, where he and his girlfriend proceeded to make out intimately in my presence. Later, I found out that they wanted to spare me from the drunken brawling and belt whippings outside, so they dragged me out of sight until morning. I also have faint memories of German exchange students showing up with a flag on fire, and lots of marijuana. I’m never drinking Appleton Estate again.”


13) He Must Have Liked It


“After too many drinks at a girls’ night out I puked on a guy friend (and in his mouth while he was talking). I am marrying him on Sunday. Guess it worked out.”


12) 8am is One Hell of a Drug


“When I was a freshman, the State University was facing a teacher’s strike, so we had a lot of free time. We went to a bar across the street and started to take shots at 8 a.m. Next thing I notice, after we decide to go around the neighborhood inebriated, is to wake up in college theater’s auditorium with my colleague being questioned by a police officer saying that he doesn’t knew me but he’d SWEAR that I was still alive (“look! He’s breathing!”) But, after, he told me that when a candy lady came selling her goods on the street that he tried to sell me as a sex slave (his words!) for a coconut sweet. She denied.”


11) Profound Artistry


“There was one time I got so hammered on shots, when my girlfriend and I were lying in bed I told her to stop breathing because it was making the bed move too much. She told me to go to sleep, but I felt it wasn’t too late to get up and go “paint the bathroom” instead.”


10) Grill em All


“I was hosting a BBQ and running around a lot when my friend grabbed me for tequila shots. I hadn’t eaten a lot of food that day either. Let’s just say between three of us we polished off a reasonably sized bottle. Cue visit to the toilet and being lucky on no alcohol poisoning.”


9) A Tongue Splittingly Good Time


“Right after a surgery on my stomach I was at a party where I didn’t know anyone. Went with a friend who quickly abandoned me and the boyfriend (who was DD when it was usually me). I had 2 small cans of Lime-a-rita and my boyfriend had found a half-finished handle of Kraken near the hot tub that we were in all by it’s lonesome. He passed it over, I finished it off, and had two more small cans of Lime-a-rita. Everything after this is hearsay so it’s inadmissible in court, but apparently, I got up out of the in-ground hot tub to go say hi to someone and landed on my face on the concrete, successfully splitting my tongue open. After they got me out of there and back to my apartment complex (around 3 am), I’m screaming bloody murder that I can do it on my own while one of them is pushing and the other is pulling me up the stairs.”


8) Jailbait Gone Wild


I went to a weird might-as-well-have-been-mini-burning-man BDSM fire dancing EVERYTHING party with friends when I was 17 and got shitfaced before/during. I ended up swapping all of my clothes + missing some items with people at the party in my stupidity. The house had been recently renovated by that old tv show Monster House and had been turned into a Frankenstein/DrJekyll/Mr.Hyde type chemist lab theme which was cool. I do remember the night ended in watching Flash Gordon.”


7) Total Absinthe Fear


“I was living in Scotland when I was 20 and had one flat mate from Australia and another local who also happened to be a bodybuilder. We decided it was a good idea to bond by drinking absinthe all night. Our bodybuilder flat mate had to carry us home while we screamed that the hulk was saving us. I did not remember this until I saw my old flat mates a decade later.”


6) Go Eat a Dick


“Bachelorette party (mine) too many shots of Jamison black label. I eventually wanted to call my future mother in law and (And I quote) “Tell that bitch off” I did however call my future husband and told him we’re all eating dicks. (Someone brought marshmallow dicks from the local sex shop)”


5) Hail the Champion


“5 shots of 151 Rum, between 6-8 beers and a flaming Dr. Pepper and I was carrying a 48pack of toilet paper around like the Stanley Cup.”


4) Good Tonguing


“After too many Margaritas- According to friends I threw up on one of their cats and it licked itself clean. To keep me awake and in high spirits enough for the girls to get me home they apparently sang the Little Mamma & Avril Lavigne mix of “I Don’t Like Your Girlfriend””


3) He Hit the Midnight Train with a…


“While wearing a fedora and football jersey I hit the midnight freight train with a baseball bat as it passed my friend’s house. Popov Vodka and fruit punch are a son-of-a-bitch.”


2) And Weeeeeee!


“I was 22-ish and on a retreat for the weekend with my sorority. We were all staying at a cabin in the middle of nowhere. After a few too many test tube shots and wine coolers, I decided to ride my sleeping bag down the stairs like a sled. My drunk brain told me it’d be just like those slides at the fair.”


1) The Vomitorium


“I was 15 and I went to this massive rave called Electric Daisy Carnival. I didn’t want to do drugs so I drank half a bottle of J&B Scotch waiting in line to get in the damn thing. I randomly ran into this girl there who I knew had a huge crush on me. I was drunk and sloppy and we made out a bunch. But it was hot and sunny and I didn’t have water on me. She suggested we go on that ride The Zipper. We were locked in a hot, spinning box in the sky when I suddenly unleashed all over the ride. It was hot and vile and dripped off the damn thing. Needless to say, she never called me again.”



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