8 Types of MST3K Movies (Suitable For Your Dates)

By Loryn Stone

Picture the scenario, my fellow Mystery Science Theater 3,000 fan. You’re single and meet someone you think is pretty damn cool. On the first date, you go to the bar, out for coffee or dinner, record store…whatever people who go out do. The two of you are starting to become fairly comfortable with each other. You mutually decide that it’s time to move your relationship…

indoors…

Your date casually suggests you two hang out, have some dinner, and watch a movie together.

“Is there anything you want to watch?” you ask.

“Nah,” they say, flopping onto your couch. “You choose. Do you have any favorites you want me to see?”

You light up with glee.

“Well,” you say. “Do you like Mystery Science Theater 3,000?”

“Oh,” they remark, shoving a handful of popcorn in their mouth. “That show with the silhouettes in the theater talking over the movie? Never seen it.”

You go pale. The words never seen it echo in your ears and your heart plummets in your chest so fast you swear you can hear it shatter.

“But…” your date continues. “I’ll watch if you think there’s an episode I’d like.”

A lopsided grin spreads over your face, and the brain-wheels are whirring faster than you can compute. You look at the person in front of you, consider their quirks, their personality, and design an MST3K movie date especially for them…

 

1) The Superhero-Loving Action Film Date

Your date is the sort of person who has that boner for superheroes and action movies. It doesn’t matter if that boner is literal or figurative- they want to see caped dudes flying, women rifle blasting big chinned magic guys who steal minty-fresh souls, the poor man’s Van Damme, and “I swear it was Mad Max in my head.” And besides, for their first movie viewing, they don’t have to choose because Joel or Mike, because the two are finally on screen together! For the action pumped maniac in your life’s first MST3K viewing, we recommend:

  • Soul Taker
  • Warrior of the Lost World
  • Puma Man
  • Future War

 

2) Metalhead-Fantasy-Nerd-Adventurer Date

Ah, the fantasy warrior metalhead. If this date had it their way, life would be like living inside a Ronnie James Dio music video. Possibly a Lord of the Rings fan and watches Harry Potter in secret, this person spends more time wondering if Arya Stark’s face is currently being worn by The Waif or if Tyrion Lannister is actually a Targaryen, too. For the date who is ready to cast spells, drink beer, and slay dragons first venture into MST3K, we recommend:

  • Cave Dwellers
  • Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell
  • Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (with David Carradine…kinda)
  • The Sword and the Dragon

 

3) Cool Bad Boy/Bad Girl/Forever Naughty Teenager Date

Man, oh man. There are few things sexier than a bad boy/bad girl when you’re fresh to the dating scene. By the time you’re an adult, you realize that sure, 50s denim and greased James Dean hair is a fun fantasy, but those things are better left to movies. Long, boring, old movies. But in the movies, no one is a bigger trouble maker than those forsaken teenagers! If you have a date who still remembers their trouble-making high school days and wants to relive it via excellent MST3K episodes, we recommend:

  • I was a Teenage Werewolf
  • Teenage Caveman
  • Teenagers from Outer Space
  • Teenage Crime Wave
  • Teenage Strangler

 

4) Emo/Goth Sad Boi/Gurl Date

This is for the date who has some deep-seated sadness. There’s darkness inside of them, which almost doesn’t work with your light-hearted and nerdy MST3K derived humor, but there’s something just a little bit morbid that works for you cynicism. From blaming their parents for all of their failures, to a strange obsession with murder and serial killers, or even feeling generally misunderstood at most or all times. But you know you can turn that pout into a…maybe a snarl at the very best. So, for the angry, arms-crossed-over-chest, sneering “everything sucks” date in your life’s first MST3K tour, we recommend:

  • I Accuse My Parents
  • Bloodlust (starring Robert Reed!)
  • Eegah

 

5) The Insomniac/Night Owl

You know that person. The one who can “go all night”. Drink all night. Watch TV all night. Work all night. UHH! All Night. Whatever. That date you have that for whatever the hell reason has a vendetta against going to sleep. But after a long weekend of hiking and day drinking, all you want to do is take a shower, eat something hot, curl up on the couch, and go the hell to sleep. But forever reason, this date just doesn’t want to do that. Fear not, darling MSTie! We have MST3K episodes to cure that insomnia and put your date right to sleep. When the pace of the flick is just so bad that not even amazing host segments or hilarious riffing can save you from sleep’s luscious throes, we recommend:

  • Catalina Caper
  • The Creeping Terror
  • Red Zone Cuba

 

6) The Celebrity Hunter

Have you ever dated someone who won’t watch a movie unless they’ve heard of at least one of the actors? Like somehow a vaguely familiar name is instant street cred that the movie you’re about to watch isn’t a complete dud? Well our Mystery Science Theater 3,000 crew proved them wrong! From Raul Julia fresh off of The Addams’ Family or Kim Cattrall lookin’ Mannequin fresh, MST3K proves that no actor is safe from cheesy movies. For the date who insists on a familiar face and their first plunge into MST3K, we recommend:

  • Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (Raul Julia)
  • Zombie Nightmare (Adam West)
  • Revenge of the Creature (Clint Eastwood)
  • City Limits (Kim Cattrall, James Earl Jones)

7) The Seasoned MSTie: Show them you can hang!

Now that we’ve established a movie match for most personality types, we’re going to flip the script. Let’s say that you start dating someone only to find out they are a seasoned MSTie- what do you do? You’ve heard of the show (the revival was ALL the news over the last few years and nothing else was important enough to listen to). But you’re not well-versed. You know your date is a maniac for MST3k and you want to see some staples. But where do you start? Everyone has their favorite episodes. Some for the songs. Some for the host segments. Some for the riffing. Hell, some for the host or mad themselves. Fear not, our MSTie Hatchling. We’ve got you covered. If you want to start with some very easily digestible episodes that are heavily revered, quoted, sung about, or other, we recommend:

  • Space Mutiny
  • Manos: The Hands of Fate
  • Mitchell
  • Pod People

8) Or you can just sit back and laugh your ass off with The Touch of Satan…because really…

Hell yes.

Touchofsatan.jpg

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