By Loryn Stone
Picture the scenario, my fellow Mystery Science Theater 3,000 fan. You’re single and meet someone you think is pretty damn cool. On the first date, you go to the bar, out for coffee or dinner, record store…whatever people who go out do. The two of you are starting to become fairly comfortable with each other. You mutually decide that it’s time to move your relationship…
Your date casually suggests you two hang out, have some dinner, and watch a movie together.
“Is there anything you want to watch?” you ask.
“Nah,” they say, flopping onto your couch. “You choose. Do you have any favorites you want me to see?”
You light up with glee.
“Well,” you say. “Do you like Mystery Science Theater 3,000?”
“Oh,” they remark, shoving a handful of popcorn in their mouth. “That show with the silhouettes in the theater talking over the movie? Never seen it.”
You go pale. The words never seen it echo in your ears and your heart plummets in your chest so fast you swear you can hear it shatter.
“But…” your date continues. “I’ll watch if you think there’s an episode I’d like.”
A lopsided grin spreads over your face, and the brain-wheels are whirring faster than you can compute. You look at the person in front of you, consider their quirks, their personality, and design an MST3K movie date especially for them…
1) The Superhero-Loving Action Film Date
Your date is the sort of person who has that boner for superheroes and action movies. It doesn’t matter if that boner is literal or figurative- they want to see caped dudes flying, women rifle blasting big chinned magic guys who steal minty-fresh souls, the poor man’s Van Damme, and “I swear it was Mad Max in my head.” And besides, for their first movie viewing, they don’t have to choose because Joel or Mike, because the two are finally on screen together! For the action pumped maniac in your life’s first MST3K viewing, we recommend:
- Soul Taker
- Warrior of the Lost World
- Puma Man
- Future War
2) Metalhead-Fantasy-Nerd-Adventurer Date
Ah, the fantasy warrior metalhead. If this date had it their way, life would be like living inside a Ronnie James Dio music video. Possibly a Lord of the Rings fan and watches Harry Potter in secret, this person spends more time wondering if Arya Stark’s face is currently being worn by The Waif or if Tyrion Lannister is actually a Targaryen, too. For the date who is ready to cast spells, drink beer, and slay dragons first venture into MST3K, we recommend:
- Cave Dwellers
- Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell
- Wizards of the Lost Kingdom (with David Carradine…kinda)
- The Sword and the Dragon
3) Cool Bad Boy/Bad Girl/Forever Naughty Teenager Date
Man, oh man. There are few things sexier than a bad boy/bad girl when you’re fresh to the dating scene. By the time you’re an adult, you realize that sure, 50s denim and greased James Dean hair is a fun fantasy, but those things are better left to movies. Long, boring, old movies. But in the movies, no one is a bigger trouble maker than those forsaken teenagers! If you have a date who still remembers their trouble-making high school days and wants to relive it via excellent MST3K episodes, we recommend:
- I was a Teenage Werewolf
- Teenage Caveman
- Teenagers from Outer Space
- Teenage Crime Wave
- Teenage Strangler
4) Emo/Goth Sad Boi/Gurl Date
This is for the date who has some deep-seated sadness. There’s darkness inside of them, which almost doesn’t work with your light-hearted and nerdy MST3K derived humor, but there’s something just a little bit morbid that works for you cynicism. From blaming their parents for all of their failures, to a strange obsession with murder and serial killers, or even feeling generally misunderstood at most or all times. But you know you can turn that pout into a…maybe a snarl at the very best. So, for the angry, arms-crossed-over-chest, sneering “everything sucks” date in your life’s first MST3K tour, we recommend:
- I Accuse My Parents
- Bloodlust (starring Robert Reed!)
5) The Insomniac/Night Owl
You know that person. The one who can “go all night”. Drink all night. Watch TV all night. Work all night. UHH! All Night. Whatever. That date you have that for whatever the hell reason has a vendetta against going to sleep. But after a long weekend of hiking and day drinking, all you want to do is take a shower, eat something hot, curl up on the couch, and go the hell to sleep. But forever reason, this date just doesn’t want to do that. Fear not, darling MSTie! We have MST3K episodes to cure that insomnia and put your date right to sleep. When the pace of the flick is just so bad that not even amazing host segments or hilarious riffing can save you from sleep’s luscious throes, we recommend:
- Catalina Caper
- The Creeping Terror
- Red Zone Cuba
6) The Celebrity Hunter
Have you ever dated someone who won’t watch a movie unless they’ve heard of at least one of the actors? Like somehow a vaguely familiar name is instant street cred that the movie you’re about to watch isn’t a complete dud? Well our Mystery Science Theater 3,000 crew proved them wrong! From Raul Julia fresh off of The Addams’ Family or Kim Cattrall lookin’ Mannequin fresh, MST3K proves that no actor is safe from cheesy movies. For the date who insists on a familiar face and their first plunge into MST3K, we recommend:
- Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (Raul Julia)
- Zombie Nightmare (Adam West)
- Revenge of the Creature (Clint Eastwood)
- City Limits (Kim Cattrall, James Earl Jones)
7) The Seasoned MSTie: Show them you can hang!
Now that we’ve established a movie match for most personality types, we’re going to flip the script. Let’s say that you start dating someone only to find out they are a seasoned MSTie- what do you do? You’ve heard of the show (the revival was ALL the news over the last few years and nothing else was important enough to listen to). But you’re not well-versed. You know your date is a maniac for MST3k and you want to see some staples. But where do you start? Everyone has their favorite episodes. Some for the songs. Some for the host segments. Some for the riffing. Hell, some for the host or mad themselves. Fear not, our MSTie Hatchling. We’ve got you covered. If you want to start with some very easily digestible episodes that are heavily revered, quoted, sung about, or other, we recommend:
- Space Mutiny
- Manos: The Hands of Fate
- Pod People
8) Or you can just sit back and laugh your ass off with The Touch of Satan, Lauren Hughes favorite MST3K Episode…
And the reason we’re all here today.
Lauren is a huge Mystery Science Theater 3,000 fan who needs some love and assistance from the MSTie community. She lost her disability funding and needs our help. While she tries to keep it light here in her health updates (with a loveable dry optimism that seems universal among MSTies), she’s suffering from organ failure and a blood clotting disease. Lauren is unable to work, is fighting to keep her home, but needs help. That’s why Dawn Kelly from the up-and-coming Film School Outlaws project is holding a week-long Auction for Lauren starting Sunday April 15th, 2018.
Below are the auction details:
- The auction will last for one week
- All starting bids on the items are listed on the website
- Items may be found by looking up eBay seller entropy94 or searching for item description 4LOZ(this will be at the beginning of every item description)
- Additional auction donations may be made by emailing Dawn directly HERE
These are just some of the amazing Mystery Science Theater 3,000 related items and crafts available for sale during the auction! Not only are all of these books by the show’s performers and writers amazing, but we’re losing out minds over those enamel pins!
If you wish to donate but aren’t interested in any of the auction merchandise, there is a PayPal account set up for Lauren ready for donations at all times. Remember that Mystery Science Theater 3,000 is built on love and friendship. Love is so important that it’s the name of the satellite the hosts inhabit! Joel built the bots to keep him company, because nothing is more important than sharing laughs with friends. And even from the very start, the show’s crew encouraged us: Keep the tapes circulating. So now, it’s our job to keep the love circulating, too. If you can afford to help one of our own, please do.
Also, if we can get our PopLurker Patreon over $200 per month, we will donate 10% to Lauren and her cause indefinitely!
Keep up with Dawn and the rest of the Film School Outlaws cast and crew for more updates about Lauren and information about their work.
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