PopLurker Reviews: Back that (Ass Lamp) Up

By PopLurker Writers

 

Every so often, a product arises out of the depths of nowhere that, without a doubt, inspires everyone around it. And truly, today’s lovely woman frozen in the shapely form of a bodacious lamp very much did inspire the writers here at PopLurker.

And we Lurkers have a lot to say.

We were all given the delicious opportunity to experience its majesty. And this is how this glorious ass-lamp changed our lives.

 ass lamp

Sophie Dearden says:

In the words of Vincenzo De La Sigllia: This lamp is simply exquisite! The outlandish curves and languid pose truly emphasize the peace and tranquility inherent in the female experience! The sexuality that is simultaneously serene and overt, daring you to desire whilst stating in no uncertain terms that your desire is irrelevant! As I lay awake in my bed each night, staring at this lamp and contemplating its form, I can’t help but cry out at its aesthetic perfection. My wife complained that we didn’t need a lamp at the foot of our bed, and that my cries were disturbing her, but she can’t appreciate the artistry of this piece the way I can. She said I was obsessed with it, that my fascination was unhealthy, but what does she know? She’s gone now, back to her mother. She took the children too, but I don’t need them. I have the exquisite, porcelain perfection of this lamp to comfort me in the night. She understands me the way Janice never could. She doesn’t judge the way I stare at her. Doesn’t judge the way I run my hands along her form to fully engross myself in her languid body. She knows I must be naked to remove any barriers to her magnificence. 5/5, this lamp changed my life.

SophieD: “Her ass is funny, but it just won’t quit–I have to take the bulb out to get any sleep. 2/5

 

Breana Ceballos says:

✭✭✭✭✭ THIS LAMP CHANGED MY LIFE – 5 Stars!

“It was no secret that my husband and I were going through some hard times. His decision making and hideous sense of decor were getting on my nerves. Then he brought home this lamp. I have to be honest with you– I hated it at first. Every day I would try to think of new ways to “accidentally” break her. I would stand over her for what seemed like hours just staring and making my mind void of anything in particular. It was then that I started to speak aloud to her. Our time together while my husband was at work was quickly becoming a type of therapy. She would sit there, head in hand, so nonjudgmental with her voluminous ass she had no shame in displaying. She made me feel so at ease. It was then that I started to fall in love with her. Every time night fell and it was time to light her up her butt was like a beacon of hope. I feel like I have become a better person since having Shawna around. She changed my life and saved my marriage in the process.

 

Jonathan Meisner says:

 ✭✭✭✫✫ Most Expensive Art-Trash Ever

It probably goes without saying we’ve all seen the movie A Christmas Story at some point in our lives, and we all remember the scene when Ralphie’s Old Man wins his “major award”, which upon being delivered to the family home is revealed to be a lamp in the shape of a woman’s leg (with lacy stocking).

Well, here we have a lamp that has a couple of legs that go and make an ass out of themselves, and what a prominent ass it is at $480.

I can certainly appreciate fine works of art, and this is certainly artistic and quite the eye catcher either from across the room or on the table beside you as you’re perhaps partaking in some dirty fan fiction, and in the words of The Dude, it sorta ties the room together.

However, I’m confident I can find a similar asset…get it…for my living room at the local thrift shop for under $20.

 

Andrew Byrd says:

✭✭✭✭✫ This Lamp Affected My Relationship

A few weeks ago, I decided to surprise my girlfriend with a new good-looking lamp for her nightstand. Hers was old, had dangerous frayed wiring, and if I’m being honest, it practically screamed “I’m an unsexy lamp, get rid of me.” My solution was to buy this curvaceous work of art and replace the old light fixture while my girlfriend was at work. I could hardly contain myself when she walked into the bedroom after coming home.

She. Was. Furious. She thought I was trying to send a message about what I think she should look like, even after my many pleas for understanding. I love her just how she is; I only wanted to replace her old lamp with something a bit more…sultry, was all. She didn’t believe me. Even worse was when she found out how much I spent on it. Her exact words escape me, but I know “half-witted jackass,” “frivolous smut,” and “pack your bags” were thrown around. Hopefully things will blow over soon. I’m just grateful I managed to grab this beauty before I fled the apartment.

The free shipping was awesome, and it arrived two days early! Great lamp.

 

Matthew Byas says:

✭✭✫✫✫ 2 Stars: My Anaconda Don’t Want None

The first thing I think of when I see this lamp is: “Oh, awesome, finally, a lamp personally endorsed by Sir Mix-A-Lot”.  Thing is, the more I look at it, the better it looks to me.  I like to imagine that it was created by some sort of rebellious lamp designer – “make me a big-ass lamp”, their boss said, and they complied in the best possible way.  It’s just classy enough to where you could put it in your bathroom and not raise any questions, and just shapeless enough to where you could play dumb to your more conservative acquaintances about its true design.

That said, I feel like this thing is a trap.  For one, it’s $500, and two, they don’t deliver outside the US, so you can tack on some obscene shipping.  That means there’s only one purpose for this thing: it’s for old-money families to sniff out the nouveau riche.  You really think a Koch, a Carnegie, or a Rockefeller is going to have that lamp in their parlor?  No, they’re on the lookout for these things so they can tell that the Andersons of New York only came into their money in the past few years.  Dreadful cads, those Andersons. They probably only summer in the Hamptons and don’t spend the fall there as well!

 

Loryn Stone says:

✭✭✭✫✫ This Lamp Sucked Me into A Vortex

This lamp showed up in my PO Box and I thought it was a sick joke. Who did it come from? Who would send such a specific gift? I had to figure it out. The only natural next-step was to take fill a whole flask of whiskey, plug in the luscious, creamy-white teasing curves and stare. I stared at this lamp, unwavering, for a good 45 minutes. Next thing I knew, I was out of whiskey. I questioned her origins. She taunted me with silence. But I saw through her secrets. She touted herself a surrealist design, one with proportions so fucked it looked like she was stretched and pulled on a Tower of London torture rack. But then, as her indenting form and sliding slopes threatened to drive me mad, my gaze dropped lower to the stubbulor stumps of her legs, healthy as an Aztec fertility goddess. Yes, a goddess, it’s the only explanation. She manifested into my PO Box with conveniently Prime shipping for impatient people such as myself. I nodded, accepting this reality. I was chosen. I was decided upon. Fate and glory were mine to hold in my hand. I took those hands and moved them toward the lamp to douse the lights. And then…resting in suspention above her backdoor…I saw something…and I smiled.

Hey Beavis…this lamp is using anal beads.

Uh huh huh huh….

 

 

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