WARNING: Spoilers, Spoilers, Spoilers Ahead
In late March, Fry Cry 5 was released and subsequently met with mild acclaim from both the gaming community and video game review parties at large. Set in a beautiful if not exotic backdrop of rural Montana, the silent, gender non-important sheriff deputy protagonist is tasked with aiding in the arrest of the religious death cult zealot (which apparently is Montana’s greatest natural resource) known as Joseph Seed, or Father to his followers. So long as you don’t evoke the secret 3rd ending from the outset, you’re sent on a three-region voyage to eliminate the Seed siblings and rescue your deputy buddies before taking on Father himself.
But I’m not here today to review the game, bicker about any glitches, or fawn over any of the gameplay. We need to discuss the endings.
After taking out sadistic televangelist man, militant hair cut man, and drug fantasy girl, it’s finally time to confront the Father behind it all. With all the testicle festival errand running and tame animal liberating behind you now, your helicopter full of buddyies land on Father’s compound, presumably for the final fight. Following the game’s 7347934508th antagonist monologue, Father presents you with a final choice: walk away or resist. Choose the walk-away option, and the game quickly ends. You leave the compound with the Sheriff and with the flick of a car radio, it’s assumed you’re mortally thrown into madness. But there’s no reason you’d walk away is there? This is video game after all, you always take the path of violence, right? RIGHT? Well sorry, if you took the pacifist option I can’t help you, you failed, it’s canon, you’ve doomed Montana forever.
Now let’s assume you did what video game tropes have programmed you to do, you fight. After another drug trip, you’re forced to “un-kill” (I guess) your allies and then you’re told as the last objective “neutralize Joseph Seed.” For your ol’ buddy Matt, I chose to neutralize Mr. Seed by giving him five M-60 bullets directly into his stupid sunglasses wearing face! Phew, finally, a good satisfying ending where I get to harshly remove an evil upon the world with rampage that would’ve made Charlton Heston cum in his pants (RIP). Oh wait……he’s getting up, with barely a scratch. What the hell? He should be more lead than man now? AND HE’S FUCKING MONOLOUGING AGAIN?! What he saying this time? Blah Blah atone for you sins, whatever something, something wrath of God upon the Earth—
Nuclear explosions? Uhhh alright then, guess it’s time to run. So, we all gather up in a pickup: allies, Father, and all and we punch it down to the fallout bunker. God I’m too mad to focus on what’s happening right now, this is such bullshit. Yeah ok the world’s literally on fire…oh look we crashed our truck, oh awesome all my friends are dead. Even better, Father survived and drug me into the bunker with him, chained me to a bed and said we’re going to be together forever. THE END.
Some people call this the good ending, some people call it the bad ending. Others, more accurately, can’t think straight about the whole situation because there isn’t enough hyperbole to describe what a pair of unsatisfyingly bullshit endings Far Cry 5 has presented to them. I was one of these people. I finished my playthrough at about 1 am on a Friday night and quickly went to bed, stunned and disappointed like everyone else. However, the next morning, I awoke with a great revelation: the nuclear ending didn’t actually happen.
There’s simply no way. How could one man, no matter how narcissistically bulletproof, have survived such a situation? The shootings, the explosions, the final car accident….it simply didn’t happen the way it was presented to us as the player. So, here’s what happened. Let’s rewind slightly, back to the neutralization of Joseph Seed. It’s at this point where we break from reality. After getting shot, the player switches perspectives.
The way I have it, we’re now seeing things the way Joseph sees them in his brain…. his brain, which may I remind you, should be out of his skull and rotting on a parcel of Montana farmland. Joseph, in his own diseased mind, was now a failure. He caused the death of his family, he’s ruined an entire community, and was now about to meet his maker. As he’s passing into the afterlife, we are treated to how he wishes things could have played out. Of course, in his ideal fantasy, he’d get to monologue one last time while the world exploded around him just at the right moment. OF COURSE, he’d be the one of the duel survivors of the end of the world, and OF COURSE in his mind his companion for eternity would be the supplier of his own pathetic demise. Fine, he gets his moment, we share it, it’s done. Now that it’s settled, we can get back to finishing our side content. Those testicles won’t harvest themselves after all.
Ubisoft tried to give you a shitty, bleak, bullshit ending, but I won’t stand for it. My head-canon game is simply too strong for you, and despite your best efforts I fixed your ass-cancer of an ending. But before you go ruining my theory with some zombie DLC or something else to justify the season-pass pricing, remember that we, the players should be the ones controlling the destiny of the universe.
After all, we paid for it.
Matthew has a Twitter.
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