Oh, Canaduh! 5 Things that Happened when Canada went Dumb

By Jonathan Meisner

 

If you’ve ever visited Canada or have Canadian friends, you know what to expect from us most of the time. We’re friendly, we have universal health care, we say things like “eh”, and “give er, bud”. We have poutine, and we’re all about our beer and hockey.

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Also, we have this guy.

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And these guys.

Now, while many of my American friends can attest to the fact that their fine country has been the butt of many jokes over the years, whether it’s comedy of the unintentional sort, or some of your folk have been nominated for a Darwin award or two, the good ol’ U S of A is a relatively easy target.

But, Canada doesn’t get off that easy, and today on PopLurker I’m prepared to take the piss out of my fellow countrymen.

Grab a toque, a Molson (far from my favorite beer, but represent!) and let’s look at 5 examples where we put the duhhh into Canada.

 

5) I’m Not Quite Dead Yet

The year is 1798. Canada is about 50 years from being an official country, the city of Toronto has only been a city for 5 years running, and there’s no Hockey Night in Canada to entertain the…masses? I guess there wouldn’t have been masses back then, I’m sure population was quite scarce.

It’s also the last time the Toronto Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup.

Ok, I’m exaggerating a little, but sorry Leafs fans, you make it far too easy to throw shade on you.

John Sullivan was out one night with a guy known as “Latin Mike”. The boys were drinking the night away but had run out of money which of course is a pesky necessity if you’re hoping to blackout before the night is through.

Latin Mike forged banknote worth three shillings or about a buck these days and Sullivan used it to buy more booze. However, it was eventually figured out to be a forgery. Latin Mike did his best “look over there! Yoink!” impersonation and bounced back to the US, leaving Sullivan to be tried and sentenced to death by hanging. Jeez, I know it was forgery and all, but couldn’t the guy clean stables or wash dishes for a week? The Judges of Mega City One would probably consider this sentence a little harsh, even for them.

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Toronto had a brand-new jail, and what better way to break in the new digs then with a hanging?

There was however the minor inconvenience of no one there having ever hung a man before, and no one seemed overly enthusiastic about checking it off their to-do list. All except for Sullivan’s cell mate, who was totally down for the job for the tidy price of $100 and a pardon. Only problem here is that McKnight (Sullivan’s faithful executioner) wasn’t terribly adept at tying knots. Twice when trying to hang him, Sullivan slipped out of the noose, to the point that Sullivan himself got fed up with all this bullshit and uttered his final words, “McKnight, I hope to goodness you’ve got the rope all right this time”.

Third time was the charm, and I’m inclined to believe somewhere in England some 150 years later, the boys at Monty Python considered this for a sketch but figured no one would buy it.

 

4) A Hamilton Youth Gets More Than Just Cream and Sugar

If you’ve never been to Hamilton, Ontario…you’re not missing much, except for maybe the smell. The city has progressed a lot over the years, despite the fact their only major sports franchise is the Tiger Cats of the Canadian Football League. Everyone who’s about to say they watch CFL football, put your hands down. Lies make baby Jesus cry. I will admit though to be a major fan of their airport, which is essentially a broom closet in the middle of a field, but hey, it’s easier and quicker to get through then Pearson airport in Toronto.

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Now, when I was 17 I did some questionable things. Things I won’t talk about freely, unless you pour enough beer or whiskey down my gullet. One thing I never did however, was steal a school bus like this Hamiltonian kid did in 2015 and if I did decide to go all Richard Pryor and start Bustin’ Loose, I wouldn’t have taken it to a local Tim Hortons.

Steal your Dad’s car, sure. Steal the neighbors car? That would be pretty douchey as well, but it’s still less conspicuous than a giant yellow bus. According to the article, the kid kept the bus hidden over the holidays, then he and his buddies would Deck the Halls for some coffee and doughnuts, until cops noticed them piling out of the bus. The kid ended up being charged for $5,000 in possession. Hopefully his friends got busy and started Rolling Up the Rim to win him some bail money.

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But, let’s turn the tables on our boys in blue with…

 

3) Calgary Cops Spot Themselves on Their Own Radar

If you live in Calgary, especially if you live in the Northeast of the city like I do, you know there’s plenty of drag racing through the streets in the summer, when there’s no ice trash (stop saying snow, we need to call it like it is) to slow you down.

It’s one thing for the citizens to be guilty of it, but when it’s the cops that’s another story all together.

January 2013, two police cruisers were spotted and caught on video racing each other to Tim Horton’s somewhere in the city.

Guys, it’s bad enough you get pigeonholed for being coffee and donut crazed maniacs, let’s not perpetuate the myth any more than is necessary.

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After many years of exhaustive research, I can unequivocally say that Tim Horton’s is some of the more mediocre swill passing for coffee out there, but if you’re busting crime you’ll take what you can get I suppose. Maybe it’s more of a status thing. Canadians love Tim Horton’s. Americans love Budweiser. While I think you’re all wrong, much like how communism works…in theory, taste is subjective.

It was reported that they didn’t exceed the speed limit, but according to the Alberta Traffic Safety act that hardly matters. The officers’ identities were kept under wraps, and the whole matter was swept under the rug as quickly as the city of Calgary blows money on shitty art around the city.

PopLurker exclusive! We’ve got dash cam footage of the cops in question.

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2) Up, Up and Away in my Beautiful, My Beautiful…Balloon Chair?

Calgary once again. Every July the city gets Stampede fever, where you too can sardine yourself into a more over crowded than usual over crowded bus and sweat like Ted Striker in Airplane!

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A tradition for over 100 years now, where the city finds an excuse to get drunk for a week and a half and watch rodeo activities and mediocre rock bands perform for their amusement. To be fair, KISS did come one year, and I still kick myself for not going. I’ve been to Stampede once in the 10 years I’ve lived here, because as a citizen of this city I figured I should at least go once just to say I did it and see what all the fuss was about. For the $90 I spent for admission, I could have bought a hell of a lot of my own (better) beer, got hammered and passed out in my tub.

Doing so however, I would have missed this chap in 2015 floating over the city.

Daniel Boria was presumably a big fan of the movie Up! and was also a big fan of the term life imitating art. Tying 110 balloons to a lawn chair, he had me beat and figured “screw that $90 price of admission, suckers” and floated over the city.

Turns out it was a publicity stunt to draw attention to his business. Guy clearly never heard of taking an ad out in the paper, or you know…since it was 2015 and all going on Squarespace or Go Daddy and creating a domain name. The funny thing about helium, aside from the obvious effects it has on a person’s voice, is that at a certain altitude the balloons have this pesky habit of popping.

According to our friend Mr. Boria…

“At one point I was looking up at the balloons, they were popping, the chair was shaking and I was looking down at my feet dangling through the clouds at a 747 flight taking off and a few landing,”.

Screw you, Delta SkyMiles!

He also claimed to be a skydiver, like how I claim to be “sober” from time to time and intended to parachute into the Stampede grounds. Aside from a sprained ankle after he eventually landed, a $20,000 bill to hire an airplane to circle the ground with a banner for his company; which lends credence to Go Daddy being a hell of a lot cheaper as well as the fact the whole stunt was stupid and pointless to begin with (like arguing with a Montreal Canadiens fan) one could say this was a success? Aside from Boria being arrested, and his chair and the remaining balloons floating away.

Although police were said to be “in the midst of tracking them down”.

Might I suggest starting with Paradise Falls?

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1) What A Halifax Man “Canoe” For You

Halifax. My hometown. Well, I was born in a small town named Kentville about an hour away, but work with me here. If you’ve ever sat down and had drinks with anyone from the Maritimes, first and foremost count your blessings that you survived.

Living in Nova Scotia, there are certainly things you can do to occupy your time. Snowmobiling in the winter. Driving ATV’s in the summertime. You can also kill plenty of time drinking, which as a Maritimer born and raised comes as naturally to us as breathing or dodging potholes on our way through town.

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You can also make your way to many of the lakes around cottage country and go canoeing. Just make sure that canoe is yours. A 20-year-old man from the area in 2014 figured that the residents of an outlying part of Halifax would understand if he wanted to borrow some of their tools for a spell. We are friendly folk in those parts, after all. But while we may be friendly, we’d also appreciate if you knocked on our door and asked first. Police were notified that the man was fleeing the scene in a liiiiitle red canoe. Sorry about that. Obviously, Prince’s legacy is safe, despite my best/worst efforts to make a joke there.

According to the report, his plan was to access the Northwest Arm waterway connecting the city to the harbor. Where he planned to go from there, is unknown. If he was smart; and judging by his plans up to this point all signs point to no, he’d stay as far from Dartmouth as possible unless; depending on perspective, he was looking for a really good time, or a really greasy time.

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A local man offered to take two officers out in his canoe to give chase, but by the time they figured shit out, the suspect had made it to land. Luckily, the cops were able to apprehend the man shortly thereafter anyways, likely due to the guy stopping by the NSLC (Nova Scotia Liquor Commission) or Needs grocery for some pepperoni sticks.

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Our “needs”, much like these five cases are pretty simple where I’m from.

Aye?

 

Follow Jonathan on Twitter and flash your poutine over who is more Canadian.

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