Hallmark Channel Releases Physical Clickbait (In Honor of Prince Harry’s Wedding)

By Breana Ceballos

 

Today, Mother’s Day, on my biweekly trip to Target for “supplies” I came across a DVD at checkout. Three feet away from the National Enquirer, which I may or may not have been reading, something caught my eye. Hallmark Channel had released a new DVD collection starring Meghan Markle.

3If you don’t know who she is, perhaps you are living under a rock, perhaps you just don’t care, she is Prince Harry’s new fiancé. She also was apparently a Hallmark Movie star, which I didn’t know until I saw the DVD. My husband being an Anglophile made me aware of the connection. Ok, ok, so I didn’t know who she was at first either but after seeing the title “Royal Wedding Collection” how could I not buy this?

 

2.jpgThis Mother’s Day,  I finally found what I would be doing with the rest of my night. Drinking wine and watching Hallmark trash starring the princess to be. You can imagine my excitement when I popped in the movie(s) A collection of 3, Dater’s Handbook, When Sparks Fly, and the one I most want to watch, Royal Hearts.  I’m curious to see what kind of spell she may have put Prince Harry under. Perhaps if he saw her in a movie about a royal wedding she could have projected the image that she herself was the perfect princess to be. Maybe she is some sort of white witch that puts a spell on you through her acting. My mind was a buzz with possible outcomes but mostly I was just so excited to preview a wedding story with her in it as romantic lead.

So, I’m at the menu and I choose the one I want to watch which would connect everything, the princess, the actress, and the royal family. Do you know what I found? The movie, Royal Hearts, didn’t even have Meghan Markle in it. What the fuck kind of clickbaity shit is this? I don’t understand. I’m now in deep denial. How could Hallmark have played me? This can’t be on purpose, can it? Of course, it is on purpose. The people on Hallmarks marketing team knew exactly what they were doing. “People don’t read fine print”, Mr. Whitecollar Canadian business man says with a chuckle, “These stupid Americans will buy anything, as long as they see Mrs. Markle and the words Royal Wedding we’re set!”

He was right.

Stupid me bought the damn thing.

4.jpgSo now I have to sit here and watch 2 movies that have nothing to do with a “royal wedding” but star Meghan and one that is called “Royal Hearts” in which she is nowhere to be found. And I’m mad so you bet your ass I’m going to sit here and stew and watch them.

I guess the only way I’m going to really see this shit go down is to tune into cable tv when they broadcast the ACTUAL Royal Wedding on May 19th. That’s fine. I can do that, but god, if I don’t feel super played right now.

Thanks for nothing Hallmark.

Thanks.

 

 

You can find Breana getting angry and increasingly inebriated on Twitter. Probably ranting about Hallmark and their stupid marketing ploys.

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