The Birds and The Bees. Riding the Crimson Wave. Tugging the Kielbasa.
Sex is part of the human/mammal/anything with a brain experience. However, not all sexual education is created equally. Sometimes there’s details along the way that get a little confusing, mixed up, or straight boggle our young minds. So today on PopLurker, we asked our readers for some of their stories about the worst ways they learned about sex, and their answers made us want to pitch a tent!
11) Is There an Instructional Video?
Me and a friend bought three books about sex, like positions and “how to’s”, through the mail, (this was like ‘94/95) so we could “learn how to bang”. My friend got caught at school with the books, and took all the blame, but I had one at home, I read that thing front to back a few times.
10) Family Gatherings
My cousin told me that sex was just lying under the covers with your pants off. Somehow this all came up in front of our parents and I said it was unsanitary. They all had a good laugh at my expense.
9) Highlighted Disasters
My parents told me about sex by handing me a book called “Preparing for Adolescence” and saying, “Read Chapter 3.” The book described orgasms as “a sort of tingly feeling that lasts for a minute or two.”
8) Doomed. You’re All Doomed.
Peer advice: A friend in second grade said, “You put your dick in a pipe, then put that pipe in a girl’s butt, and then you pee in it.”
Parental advice: 3rd grade. Watched Porkies with my dad and brother. Couldn’t process most of it. Just figured it’s another weird thing that adults do.
7) No Problem Here…
My mom tried to describe lesbian sex in order to ensure I wouldn’t ever have sex with a girl. “Can you imagine a girl sucking your nipples? Ick.” Other than that, I never got any kind of talk. Figured everything out on my own.
6) How Does Blowjob Make a Blowjob?
Twelve-year-old me found a moldy porno mag in a garage. Flipped open to a picture of a woman blowing air on a penis as if cooling a hot food item. The caption read, “That’s not why it’s called a blowjob.” Twelve-year-old brain, “That’s not what a blowjob is. Okay. I know that now.”
5) Virgin Love
Mom only bought pads when I was growing up and I thought virgins couldn’t use tampons. When I was sixteen and on a family road trip, I stayed in the hotel one day and got my period. I had no supplies so I called the desk and asked them to bring some pads but they only had tampons. The poor girl only spoke French but she could understand me through my hysterics and bless her, got me sorted. So… I learned how to use tampons from a hotel chambermaid somewhere in Switzerland. There’s more, though. I was so ignorant of female anatomy that it was a few more years before I learned that you didn’t have to take them out if you had to pee. Thanks (for nothing), Mom!
4) Seeing Red Again
My ten-year-old asked her nine-year-old friend if she had her period while swimming in our pool. I gave my (VERY catholic, and very sweet) neighbor a “head’s up” as to what I heard. She was planning the period talk this summer but not sure about the sex talk. SOOO in the pool, my two girls and the neighbor got all quiet and I can just hear “did you?” giggle, giggle and then a “what is that?” and then whispering and “OOHHH GROSS!!” and I figured out what they were talking about and came out and told them to spill the beans. I was all chill…like don’t get embarrassed but this little mini-lady needs to have her mom tell her and not you, girl.
3) Went Over Your Head
By seventh grade, I was well versed in periods and sex. The male anatomy, however, was still very confusing. One day during sex ed, when my Beavis and Butthead infused brain was just getting the hang of the idea of boners, my teacher gave us a lecture on physical sensitivity. He chose the words “The most sensitive part of the man is the head, or the tip of the penis.” I’m not even kidding, for the rest of the school year I thought he meant a guy’s literal HEAD was as sensitive as the tip of his schlong. I didn’t want any man near me because I thought if his cheek or part of his ACTUAL head touched me, he’d pop wood. Looking back, I can’t believe I was so fucking dumb.
2) The Thing You Put in the Thing
For some reason my sister (she was eighteen, I was ten) was partying in a U-Haul box truck in our driveway. Being ten and annoying, I wanted to be included, so they thought it’d be funny to explain every single aspect of the sex and reproduction to me. In detail. I told all my friends.
1) Good Thing It’s Not a Penthouse
When I was in my late teens, I had brothers quite a bit younger than me. One afternoon, the whole family was standing around in the kitchen getting lunch or something and one of my brothers (around eleven-twelve years old) asked mom “what’s a condo?”
Mom gets really quiet then starts describing something plastic that looks similar to a big balloon. We all looked at her puzzled. Then she starts describing what happens when a man becomes aroused. At this point, everyone in the room looks at my mom like she is insane. We are just looking at each other puzzled. She says something like “well, you see when a man is getting ready to release sperm…he has to become aroused first…” My brother who asked the question was completely bug eyed with his jaw dropped. I start busting out laughing and I can’t even talk.
Finally, my brother pulls it together enough to yell “MOM, I ASKED WHAT IS A CONDO…a CONDOOOO!” We all are out of control now, tears running down our cheeks from laughter (except my brother- he was making some heaving motions and shuddering. Similar to a cat with a hairball). Mom went on to explain what a condo is but pointed out that at least we know what a condom is! We still laugh every time someone talks about a condo when we’re all together. Well, my brother rolls his eyes and I still think he shudders slightly.