Drinking alcohol is a lot like having sex. They both get you hot, the flavors are unique, and if you do them for too long you go numb and pass out. And just like sex, sometimes you get the urge to spice your drinking up a little. No, I’m not talking about Cinnamon Schnapps, Fireball or even that jalapeno craft beer that was revenge-brewed by brokenhearted beardos. I’m talking about drinking games.
The old adage is, “You can make a drinking game out of anything,” and this is true. Just sit down with your favorite off-brand bottles of scotch and watch a Trump speech. Take a shot every time you hear “fake news”. Two days later, when your blackout wears off and you’re able to walk again, take pride that you spiced things up. Drinking games can range from using physical skills to testing trivia knowledge. Or you can make up games, like that time we played seventeen-card stud with an Uno deck. I don’t remember who won, or much of anything from that night.
I came up with a new game that I hope will catch on. It involves that company that made everything we loved while growing up: Hasbro! Probably all of your favorite action figures, dolls, board games and truly outrageous rock bands came from these people. And from time to time, when I watch a movie, this logo appears before the opening credits…
It’s not like it cheapens the experience just because it reminds me, “Oh yeah, this movie is based on a toy.” I’m not expecting Shakespeare, and Hasbro knows it’s riding on a nostalgia wave to get my ass cash. And sometimes it works. The Transformers franchise has raked in billions. On a small budget of 5 million, the latest My Little Pony movie grossed over 60 million. And once G.I. Joe got rid of that roadblock, Duke, and went with Roadblock, profits exploded.
Then came what we thought would be the “jumped the shark” moment for the studio when they announced a Battleship film was coming out. How do you make a movie about two players pushing pegs in holes and yelling out random coordinates and smack talk? Turns out you just add some generic aliens and Rihanna.
Yes, it was stupid and forgetful. No, it didn’t make all the money, but they learned they could get away with board game-based movies or any other property they owned. They were sitting on a goldmine, and 70s/80s/90s kids would happily fork over the dough to go down memory lane. A good game would be to guess what unlikely property Hasbro will attempt to put on screen next. A good drinking game, that is.
THE GAME: Has, bro?
OBJECTIVE: Guess an actual upcoming Hasbro Studios project in order to make your opponents take a drink.
- 3 or more players
- One person to be moderator. We’ll call them “designated driver” or something. This person will hold the list of real projects in development at Hasbro.
- Lots of booze.
RULES: If the player successfully guesses an upcoming Hasbro movie in production, development, or announced, the other players must take a drink. If the player does not guess a correct answer, they must take a drink.
BONUS: If you make a guess and get it right, but also give it a plausible plot and actors, the other players have to take two drinks. WARNING: Adding bonus material and getting it wrong will cause YOU to have to take two drinks.
Pretty simple, eh? But if you’re not interested, by all means continue your missionary drinking. We were feeling adventurous, though, and just to make sure the concept wasn’t a dud, I got a couple friends and we tested the game out.
Me: “I know an easy one!”
“Get it? Easy? Anyway, I can’t see this one not happening so I’ll go for the bonus, too. The kids’ from Stranger Things dad, played by The Rock, dies in a Cuisinart accident, and his soul is trapped in their Easy Bake oven. Through magic and ghost juice, the kids bake gourmet food with it and are able to keep the family restaurant open!”
Moderator: *checks list* “Nope. Easy Bake is not in development.”
Me: “Darn, I was so sure about that one.” *takes two shots* “Whoo!”
Player 2: “My turn? Okay, how about…M.A.S.K?”
Moderator: “Yes. Paramount’s producing it. Can’t wait for that one.”
Me: “Good guess!” *takes shot* “Ugh. It burns. Get ready to drink, Player 2.”
“Bonus! Is it getting warm in here? The Rock is a down-on-his-luck MMA fighter who enters the dark and seedy world of underground Koosh tournaments to get the money for his dog’s neck transplant.”
Moderator: “No, I’m afraid it’s not on here.”
Me: “Damn! I suck.” *takes two shots* “Bulp.”
Player two: “I don’t see Micronauts happening. Can I have a drink now?”
Moderator: “Actually, a Micronauts movie is in the works.”
Me: “Fuuuu” *takes shot* “Ulgh.” *hiccup* “How about highbrow shit. Yeah. Hell yeah.”
“I’m so confidence about this one, here’s bonus coming atcha, you old goose. You old hen. You son of a bitch. Get ready to drink! Spirographs! The Rock…he’s, like, good at math and stuffs. He does the mathfs so fucking hard, an A.I. pops ou…” *stares off into the distance* “…punches that fucker. Bam! Drink!”
Moderator: “Spirograph is not on the list. Are you okay? You don’t look so good.”
Me: “Jeshus…” *takes shot* “Jeshus Chrish.” *takes second shot, puts head on table* “Buhhhhhh.”
Player 2: “What if I cheat and say Untitled Transformers Film? Now do I get a drink?”
Me: *lifts head off table* “Drinks the dirnks!”
Moderator: “Actually, that exact title is on the list so I’m going to allow it.”
Me and Player 2: “Goddamn it!”
Me: *takes shot, gets most of it in mouth* *squeeks*
Me: “Oayky.” *nods off a second* “For the game!”
Moderator: “Pretty sure you lost six shots ago, dude.”
Player 2: “Wish I was losing.”
Me: “Hey, buddy. Fuck you.” *waving middle fingers in friends’ faces* Fuuuuuuuuck you.” *liquid belch* “Oh god.” *nods off again* “What?”
Player 2: “Look. Let’s quit. I’ll get a drin …”
Me: “FORRR DA GAME!!!”
Me: “Gaydur Golvf!”
Moderator: “For the love of god, do not do the bonu…”
Me: “RAAAAHHHHHHHKK!” *singing* “When th sthit gooooooes dooown, ya bedda be redday!” *stops singing* “Cypresh Hill was so fuckin cool. Lesh go see thm.” *yells out at bar* “Who’s got tickech!?” *everyone ignores* *grabs both friends’ arms* “Deez gaydurs, man. They’re, like, eading all da biddjes. RAAAAHHHHHKKK!” *grabs two shots, pours them on crotch* *face-plants on table*
Moderator: “We should probably get him home.”
Player 2: “It’s only 7:30. What about…Play-Doh? The Rock voices our plucky young glob of goo as he leaves the safety of his yellow canister home and explores dangerous places, makes new friends and saves the world.”
Moderator: “Oh, wow. Play-Doh is on the list. Plus, you get the bonus.”
Player 2: “Fuck. I REALLY just want a drink.”
Moderator: *stares at Player 2, then to unconscious friend, then back to Player 2*
Player 2: *sighs* “Fine. I’ll hold his mouth open, but you have to pour them in.”