Gives a new meaning to the word cockpit, doesn’t it kids?
All of my amazing and scrumptious readers know that here on PopLurker, I have robot-fever. While 99% of robots in existence are fair game to receive hugs and kisses from me on the regular, Loyal Lurkers know that I have a particular fondness for Megazords from the Power Rangers franchise. From counting down the best ones, to showing off my favorites in my toy collection, to just being a sleaze who imposes my weird mecha fantasies onto everyone else’s beloved show, everyone know those Megazords are my jam.
If you were to do an edited, condensed version of everything I say in a day, you’d be able to make one of those jump-cut videos of me saying ‘Megazord’ like 50 times per day. I haven’t counted that or anything, but I’m willing to bet a Power Rangers: The Movie blind-bag that this statistic is both accurate and factual.
Which leads me to the point of this article, point blank– what’s it like to have sex in the cockpit of a Megazord? Well kids, strap on your morphin’ coin, charge up your power grid, light up your Zordon tube, and make that monster grow. Because today on PopLurker, we’re counting down the Top 5 Best Megazord Cockpits to have sex inside.
Come along…won’t you?
5) Dragon Zord Cockpit
So, here’s my theory about the Dragon Zord cockpit. It is equipped for optimal boning conditions. All right– think about it. The Dragon Zord is for the most part, somewhat sentient. That means there isn’t much going on in its head because the Green Ranger is able to pilot him from the outside using his flute dagger and a series of commands. Yes, I’m aware that we’ve seen the Green Ranger powering it from the inside, but for the sake of my scum-bag manifesto, I’m going to assume this piloting seat is in the chest.
Therefore, that head is empty. And you can do all sorts of mean and nasty things in there. Imagine all the fur-skinned rugs you could lay down. Hell, you might even be able to light a romantic fire and arrange a cheese board with strawberries or some shit. You can enjoy your first time in style, or have enough space to grab some popcorn and watch everyone else enjoy their first time in the head of the dragon.
::singing:: It’s the head of the dragon, it’s the thrill of the fight, rising up to have sex inside the cockpit…
Some of you out there might be thinking ‘but what about the MMPR original Megazord? It’s way sexier than the Dragonzord cockpit!’ And to that I say this– no. There’s five god damn chairs in there. Before my Megazord sequence is even done initiating, there’d be one of those power crystals up my ass in that cramped mecha monster head. So, no highway to the bone-zone in that situation, no sir. Would you really bang it out in a racecar seat when you can do the condom collide in a candy-van?
I think not.
4) Dino Charge Megazord Cockpit
Now, take a look at the sweet setup for the Dino Thunder Megazord cockpit. While some of you might be like, “Wait, they’re standing….how is this conducive for some sweet, sweet bodily air-guitar?” just take a moment to think about it. Not only does standing create the same spacial relations that are likely inside of the Dragon Zord, but even better…
They’re standing on little stages, guys.
This means that the sky is the limit. Not only can you have your way fur-rug and cheeseboard style, but you can watch a performance. Ever have a weird Rule 34 Power Rangers fantasy? Well– the cockpit’s the limit in this Dino Thunder Megazord cockpit. Prepare to get weird with all of your friends watching.
3) Zeo Megazord Cockpit
Before you yell at me and say “Hey weirdo, you can’t do the Genital Jargon in that Megazord cockpit! Look at all those seats! You’ll have the same problem you did trying to take it to the Southern Isles in the MMPR Megazord! You unsexual hypocrite freak!” And to this I say, yes. Very astute observation. But take a better look at what’s happening here. Check out the formation of the seats inside of the Zeo Megazord cockpit. See how they’re in a line?
That’s right– it’s like gettin’ cool in a movie theater!
While the Green Zeo Ranger is commnading that mech, you could be in the back making your monster grow before anyone is even smart enough to see if your Megazord is activated.
2) Thunder Megazord Cockpit
I knew the Thunder Megazord was one of my favorites for a reason. Now, while we all know that Saban and Company chose not to use the footage from Dairanger other than the use of the white ranger and the thunder megazord, we have to point out that this Megazord Cockpit is perfect for taking it to fuck-town. Think about it. Okay, first and foremost, there’s a neon light in there. It’s the Power Rangers equivalent of having sex inside a bar.
Gives a new meaning to Tron-Pr0n, am I right?
I’m not forcing you to be my friend, that’s your choice. Your choice.
Second, the row formation of the seats here make the Megazord-rockin’ conditions quite favorable. It means there’s plenty of room for action (something we cherish in our “banging inside a Megazord cockpit fantasies”), clearly. Additionally, check out those crystal balls. There’s a metaphysical element happening here, which means we might be able to have some righteously cool magic sex inside the Thunder Megazord. Maybe take it to a bondage and witchcraft kind of place. I don’t know, I used to work in a metaphysical shop. We sold sex potions and Kama Sutra books. Let’s party, right?
1) Astro Megazord Cockpit
There’s not better choice go sweet, sweet Megazord loving than by jizzing all over the Megazord cockpit, point blank. First off, the Megazord is a ship too, so you can have your way more or less wherever the hell you want. Which is awesome, because no one wants to eat just cat food forever. Sometimes you want to eat bugs and grass, too.
But check out one small element that will appeal to all of us attention starved modern kids.
There’s a computer screen there!
Not only can you bang your bone to the depths of Valhalla, but you can connect to the internet so everyone else can see too! Want to be a Power Rangers cockpit Instagram star?! You do you, sweet thing! Tap that ass on Snap Chat, no one is going to stop you! You’re a cam kid rocking it out on 1996’s best tech! And you’re IN SPACE! Everyone knows space is the best place for doin’-its. I learned that on:
- Red Dwarf
- Battle Star Galactica
- Star Wars When Anakin Spread His Midichlorians
- Star Trek when people kiss (do they bang on Star Trek?)
- Uhhh…that other show or movie in space I can’t remember…
- Did they fuck in Gravity? Or was it just Sandra Bullock in a suit?
- Fifth Element had sex, right?
- Mario Galaxy (what, you don’t remember that part?)
- And the list goes on.
And there we have it, kids! If you weren’t aware of the best Megazord for having sex inside, you sure do now!
Oh…you never…thought about….sex inside of a…Megazord?
Well…this is awkward! But hey! You made it to the end of the list! Now you can say you finished.
I know I did.
Loryn is piloting her Megazord on Twitter.