By John Zakour
After a long career of playing World of Warcraft, I (at the request of my wife) quit cold turkey. It really wasn’t that hard. I’d been playing WoW for 10 years and had truthfully grown a bit tired of some of the whining. I had maxed out my main and my alts and needed a break.
Therefore, as something different, I thought I’d try Fortnite: Save the World. Mainly, in all honesty, because a publisher wanted me to write a book on it. Plus, I admit, I love the challenge of a new game.
I love games.
I spent the first couple of days just running solo adventures to get use to the interface and the world in general. Once I felt reasonably confident, I jumped into a team mission. I don’t use the microphone because my dogs freak out when I talk to my computer. Thus, I’m limited to texting which never hurt my in Wow.
As we waited on the platform for the launch into the mission I type: ‘I’m new and just learning’.
I didn’t add I’m old and slow. Because like I said, I can hold my own in WoW.
But this. This isn’t WoW.
Immediately, I heard the voices of my “teammates”. They had to be 13-14 year old boys. Every other word out of their mouths was fuck. But I figured, “Hey whatever! They are just excited!”
We get into the world and they start yelling out commands.
“Z-man you do this this and this…”
Sadly, at the time (remember I had never played with others before) I had no idea how to send comments once game play started. I tried moving my mouse; that that just made my character move around aimlessly. Now, I know hit the return key, but under the pressure I choked.
For a bit of reference when I was thirteen, I was a bit of a small geek. I must have weighed 110 pounds. Kids like this would have given me a hard time. These days, I am a 200 plus pound man, a black belt, and a powerlifter.
Albeit a very poor one but still I’m pretty strong for a 60 plus year old writer.
I thought, “No way that these kids are pushing me around.”
One of the players somehow dropped a gun and then locked up. Sadly, he could still talk. And talk. And talk. He started screaming, “Z-man help me out!” Truthfully, I had no idea what he needed since there were no husks around him. But still I walked toward him. Somehow, he thought I picked up the gun. Which I totally didn’t. I didn’t even see the gun. He starts screaming at me. “What the Fuck!!! I hate you!! I hate you! I hate you!!” Then he starts shooting at me with his gun.
All the while I am way confused. I try to type: ‘Chill bro, I will drop the gun I didn’t do this on purpose. Remember I’m new’.
Sadly, I couldn’t get the chat screen to come up. So, I am basically a mute. I thought about turning on my microphone but the thought of the barking dogs would have made a bad time even worse. Therefore, I decided to just find the gun and drop it. Then he would figure out I am cool.
Then I hear these voices.
First Kid: “I’m going to report you man!!”
Second kid: “He’s new I don’t think he did that on purpose. Give him a chance.”
Kid three: “Ha ha! Look at this fucking moron.” He then starts building walls all around me and laughs. “Ha ha! The fucking moron doesn’t know how to fucking edit.”
Please note I do know how to edit, but at the moment I was much more worried about dropping the gun I had supposedly picked up because the other kid was complaining so much.
First kid: “Give me the fucking gun! Or I’ll report you!”
When I didn’t respond because, well, I am a bit of a n00b moron. He then starts pleading with me.
“Look Z-man, I’m just kidding. I won’t turn you in. I’m a fucking ass. You want this gun. I’ll give you this gun. It’s way better. Best gun in the game. Come on man…”
Meanwhile kid three was taunting me, “Ha ha! Little baby is trapped…”
And by this time, kid two is going: “Guys, he said he was new!”
I had been in these types of situations before in WoW, especially back in the beginning. In those days, I would usually text how I am old and a “famous” writer who many years ago held the world record at Gorf. I would even send them my wiki link. But sadly, today, I couldn’t text. Thus, I decided I had to turn on my microphone and talk politely to these kids. Let them know I am old and learning and didn’t mean to pick up whatever the one guy thought I had picked up. I went to turn on my microphone.
My mac locked up and crashed.
I thought, oh crap. I figured okay, reboot and jump back in.
I started the reboot process. My computer came back on. I saw one of my cartoons I wrote for Mad come on my Facebook page! I got so excited, as this was my first Mad cartoon sale!
I totally forgot about the awful time I was having in Fortnite!
By the time I remember Fortnite and saving the world, the mission was over. That’s when I made the executive decision to leave Fortnite alone until I need to write another book. Today, I’m playing Torchlight II on Steam. It seems more relaxing and fun.
Until the next Diablo comes out, anyway.
John is an author who has written lots of books and other cool stuff. You can hang out with him on Facebook.