6 (More) Things That Occur To Us While Watching DC’s Titans

By John Zakour


Oh great it’s Friday.

That means another episode of Titans on DC Universe. I am sooooo excited. Last week the show left us with a great cliff hanger: Starfire finally sort of maybe figured out she was her on Earth to kill Raven and Robin and Donna Troy also figured that out. They were streaking (via car) to confront / stop / talk to / have sex with Starfire. It was a very Titans moment. The team was about to unite again and answer a big question: who is Starfire and why is she there?

I am excited.

I am ready!

Wait what is this?


Who are these super hero wannabes? Oh it’s Hawk and Dove well Hawk with the original Dove who isn’t Minka Kelly. It’s Hawk’s bro (I think) and they are beating up child molesters getting them to confess. Okay, I don’t think this is now.

Ah, what is this. We are in the hospital with Hawk and Dove this is now. Ah, what does this have to do with Raven, Starfire, Robin, Donna and pretty much everything I was looking forward too? Okay, I’ll roll with it. I am sure they will get back to the main story, the driving story soon. Wait now, I’m watching little kids play football. Oh wait, I get it, good job brain. This is Hank as a kid. Okay I can see where this goes. Why is the coach looking so funny at the other little kid? Wait is that Hank’s brother? I seem to remember Hank had a brother.


Wait is the coach prejudice? He doesn’t like that Hank’s brother is black? Oh now they have cut to the locker room. Oh the coach is talking to Hank’s brother. Oh my this isn’t about being prejudice. This is a whole new ball game. The coach is a pedophile. Holy crap this is dark. Interesting but dark as hell. Oh no, Hank is going with the coach instead of the brother. Well this explains a lot about Hank being so messed up. Hence the beating up of child molesters.

Now we are in college with Hank and his bro.  Hank is a football star a wounded football star. His bro care for him. Man, Alan Ritchson has good arms. Oh right he use to be in that football show. Good casting Titans. But ah lets not forget about: Robin, Donna, Starfire, Ravin and Beast Boy. Let’s get back to them soon. Okay. Nope more of the bros. Now pretty much insisting they get kicked out of college. They decide to become vigilantes specializing in child molesters because the system sucks.


Okay a brief glimpse of Rachel in a mirror. Now we are getting some where right.

Oh now ballerinas. Oh this is Dove’s past. Man I am smart. Man Minka Kelly is beautiful. Now she’s doing tea with her mom. Her mom seems like a nice lady but she trapped in an abusive relationship. Oh I see where they are going with this.

Hank and his bro on the street. Oh look Dawn and her mom on the street. I bet it’s the same street. Oh how cute what a nice meet and greet between Hank and Dawn. WHAT THE HOLEY HELL JUST HAPPENED??? HOLY SHIT DID THEY JUST KILL HANK’S BRO AND DAWN’S MOM IN A COMPLETELY RANDOM CAR CRASH? Wait slow down, breath. They couldn’t have just done that.

Now where are we. We’re at grieve counseling. Yep, they killed them both in an instant. They used the drunkard’s walk randomness thing (google it) to ruin their lives but throw them together. Yep they are bitter but they this will so get them together. I’m mean that’s not such a great prediction brain since well you know they are together but still.


Hmmm, now what? Okay, Dawn / Dove wants them to go beat up the guy who started this whole thing. The evil sick coach. Oh man, Dawn’s doing it. I’m not calling her Dove because this isn’t the Dove I know from the comics. I don’t see a lot of light or healing. Holy crap, Dawn is calling for Hawk to kill the guy. Holy crap, they did kill the guy. I mean that shouldn’t be a surprise these Titans do kill a lot. They are not the Go Titans they are more like if Wolverine jumped comics and publishers and taught the Titans. But man DOVE? DOVE?

Now they have sex. Yeah nothing says let’s have sex more than killing your old coach. Hang were back in the now. There’s Raven again. Hey, she woke Dawn up. Now Dawn can hear her say. Wait WTF? Find Jason Todd? Why? The guy is an ass-wipe and has nothing to do with the current situation.

Wow that was an amazing but frustrating and good and bad and great and shocking and frustrating version of Titans. Yeah, I liked it I think. But man this should have been episode 3 or 5 not 9.

Next week I better see some closure for Raven vs Starfire.

Jason Todd?


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