All The Sexy Hunks From MCU: Part Two

By Aaron Russell

 

Welcome back to an ongoing series celebrating all the delicious hunks from Marvel Cinematic Universe. In Part One, we looked at them sexy hero hunks of the MCU. This time up, the villains of PHASE ONE. These were the first scoundrels who took us to the dark side and wrecked us.

 

Obadiah Stane/Iron Monger
“About 25 years ago, my wife and I bought Kenny Loggins’ house in Santa Barbara. It was way out of our price range, but we said, ‘Screw it, let’s go for it.’ We’ve raised our family there. We overextended ourselves at the perfect time in our lives, and it worked out for the best.” – Jeff Bridges

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The Man, the Legend, the Dude. The hardest working slacker in Hollywood kicks off this journey into mediocre villainy. Though there’s nothing mediocre about Mr. Bridges, people have noticed Marvel puts a lot of effort into their heroes, but is afflicted with TVS (Tepid Villain Syndrome). Jeff does the best he can with someone named Obadiah Stane, and he is one of those actors who can play loveable goof or maniacal scientist with ease. He seems to get hotter with age in a weird Benjamin Button way.

Jeff Bridges is an actor, musician, writer, photographer, narrator, producer, but not a director, because that’s, like, work, man. He tries to end childhood hunger in his spare time.

 

Raza
“I think you can do science fiction, but you have to ground it in some realism. People need to identify with the characters, with their plights and their issues.” – Faran Tahir

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Mr. Tahir is probably best known for kidnapping, tying up, and torturing Robert Downey Jr., but, in a similar sense, isn’t that what all of us dream of doing? Faran might have been the 2nd tier villain in Iron Man, but there’s nothing 2nd tier about this man. He’s at home on a starship or being president just as well as in a mercenary squad.

Not one to be type-cast, Faran successfully lobbied Marvel to change the description of his evil group from “Muslim terrorists” to “mercenaries”. He comes from a long line of entertainers including his great-grandparents who published the first women’s magazine in Pakistan.

 

Emil Blonsky/Abomination
“If you meet somebody who’s spent any length of time in prison, you don’t let your guard down. Ever. And really, that’s what that was about-if you open up too much, you’re asking to get your teeth kicked in.” – Tim Roth

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Mr. Orange meets Mr. Green. Tim Roth’s breakout role in Reservoir Dogs taught us he could do a decent American accent, and, unlike Predator’s Blain, he definitely had time to bleed. His raw, lean looks remind us of that part-time felon we want to shag at least once so we can scratch it off our bucket list. The Incredible Hulk isn’t held in high regard (see Ed Norton’s ego/Hot Topic Hulk), but I will give it credit. It has one of my favorite fight scenes in the MCU. Not the CGI crap show at the end, but the mid-movie one where Roth is juiced up on off-brand super soldier serum and goes toe-to-toe with the Hulk for a couple minutes. General Ross stands in for Rob Schneider as we cut to him mid-fight and proclaims, “He’s doing it!”

Even though he’s the most non-west coast person, Tim lives in L.A. with his wife and children because, apparently, the schools are okay. He doesn’t like answering questions that much, so if you ask him what his likes, dislikes, or even the color of his walls, he’ll likely tell you to fuck off.

 

Gen. Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross

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“Woody Allen asked me to improv once. I said no.” – William Hurt
I doubt we’ll ever see Ross’ alter ego, Red Hulk, but Hurt plays a great antagonist to Hulk and The Avengers. Remember the movie Body Heat? Then you probably know what’s going on under that uniform. William’s consummate G-Man adds gravitas to these CGI fests. In fact, he’s not really the bad guy in any of these movies. He’s just a guy trying to keep a check on sentient, walking, natural disasters with tudes.

According to The Guardian, William likes computer science, but hates autocorrect. He owns two mobile phones but hates the thought of an electromagnetic pulse around his ear. His breakout role was a movie called Altered States, and if you’ve never done LSD, that’s okay. Just watch Altered States. Preferably on LSD.

 

Ivan Vanko/Whiplash
“I don’t care what Tom Cruise says about therapy.” – Mickey Rourke

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If the maps of our lives can be drawn by the lines in our faces, then Mickey has a lot of gerrymandering going on. He started as a boxer, became an A-List actor, transitioned to soft core porn, then disappeared for a while, then resurfaced as an indie film star, then back to A-list actor, and finally back to boxing. Rourke has done it all. After his comeback in The Wrestler, he was in hot demand. Favreau cast him as Iron Man 2’s Russian baddie, Whiplash. And now I will never not call a bird a “boid”.

If you want to know more about Mickey, here’s an excerpt about him from celebrities-galore.com that makes him sound like the Dalia Lama. See if you can spot the fake fact I threw in.

“Mickey Rourke holds great compassion and seeks to be of service to others. He is a healer, and capable of giving comfort to those in need – he will frequently offer a shoulder for others to cry on. But actually, Mickey’s mission in life is to develop the tools that allow him to be truly helpful to others rather than just a sympathetic ear. Mickey Rourke wore little to no makeup to play Marv in Sin City. He must find the balance between help and interference, and the delicate art of the counselor who knows when to leave the struggle to others and when to avoid taking away the necessary experiences and lessons of life.”

 

Justin Hammer
“Well, you know, it’s fun to sign autographs still for me. I don’t sign that many.” – Sam Rockwell

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Sam is the man. He’s versatile. He’s the kid in trigonometry who’s got moves like Jagger. One of my top five favorite sci-fi movies is Moon. That makes him a legend in my book. So even though he was relegated to a wannabe Tony Stark in Iron Man 2, we can forgive the screen writers, because Sam owns any material he’s given.

Sam has a tattoo of a cockerel hanging from a noose and believes every actor is an anarchist. He waltzes back and forth between indie and blockbuster with ease and was the original latch-key kid.

 

Laufey, King of the Frost Giants
“I do dead Canadians. If he’s dead and he’s Canadian and he’s famous, I’ll be playing him at some point.” – Colm Feore

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This is a little embarrassing, but I almost forgot about this guy. This entry was the last one I added, but that’s how Colm rolls. He’s probably been the bad guy in a lot of your favorite shows and movies, but you didn’t realize it. That’s a true actor, though. He blends into the scene perfectly and you aren’t even aware. And if you’ve got a thing for Patrick Stewart-ish guys, he’s your next hit.

Colm has won many awards for his contributions to the stage and screen. Some would incorrectly argue that his career peaked in 1988 when he starred in Iron Eagle 2, the Rocky IV of fighter pilot movies, as ace Soviet pilot, Yuri Lebanov, and got into a fist fight with ace American pilot, Matt “Cobra” Cooper, because Yuri shot down Matt’s wingman when they wondered into Soviet airspace, but now they had to work together to kill Middle Eastern people.

 

Loki
“I am desperate to do a comedy now.” – Tom Hiddleston

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He’s the God of Mischief. He’s everyone’s Hollywood boyfriend on the side. He’s everyone’s Hollywood boyfriend on the other side, too. He’s Marvel’s best part-time villain. So much so, they’ll probably reset the universe after Thanos so he can live again and be sexy mischievous.

Tom is just as awesome in real life as he is on the screen. And according to Bustle.com, if you follow these 7 inspirational poster steps, you could be his significant other, but I still have questions:

  1. Love to dance. (Even if I dance like a broken robot whose porn stick got caught in the Roomba? Listicle says yes.)
  2. Follow your heart. (My heart is leading me to a big sandwich and a nap.)
  3. Embrace your intelligence. (I’m a very stable genius.)
  4. Enjoy the whisper of sweet nothings. (Bitcoin?)
  5. Believe in equality and important causes. (So, the bare minimum for a human being then?)
  6. Love life and have fun. (Especially at funerals.)
  7. Be yourself. (No cosplay?)

 

Johann Schmidt/Red Skull
“I’m ‘of the world’.” – Hugo Weaving

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If Sam Neil and facial hair had a kid, it would be Hugo Weaving. His German accent is about as good as Rourke’s Russian one, but he’s got the perfect face for villains and uppity elves. With a beard though, he’s your Australian Marlboro Man fantasy. It’s sad he refused to reprise his role as Red Skull, but after those Hobbit movies, we really can’t blame him for not wanting to stick around in nerdverses too long.

As far as we know, Hugo is not into weaving. He’s not into marriage either but has been with his loving partner since 1984 and has two children in their 20s. So, yeah, he’s married. If you meet Hugo on the street, be sure to yell at him for not simply pushing Isildur and the ring into the fire and saving time and thousands of lives. But don’t yell at him too much, because the Wachowskis paid him to learn kung-fu.

 

The Other
“The inherent corruption of man can often bring down the best system.” – Alexis Denisof

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Sometimes you gotta dig through the makeup to find the hottie. Alexis plays Thanos’ right hand man in The Avengers. A Buffy alum, it’s no wonder Joss Whedon tapped him for the role. It’s too bad Ronan swiveled his head in Guardians of the Galaxy, because every Jabba needs their Salacious Crumb.

Alexis has Russian, French and Irish ancestry, so he can probably hold his liquor like a motherfucking god. He married his Buffy co-star, Alyson Hannigan, and had a couple of kids. His highest rated movie on Rotten Tomatoes is The Avengers, at 92%! His lowest rated movie is a romcom, Love Wedding Marriage, at 0%, and my favorite critic quote on it is, “This film is a prison — and a cruel one — for both the actors in it and the audience watching, one with walls made of rock-hard, impenetrable stupidity and bars of cold-forged clichés.”

 

More Loki
“I never like to make plans. It’s nice to just hang.” – Tom Hiddleston

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Indeed.

 

You can follow Aaron on Twitter. He also has a website devoted to his Photoshop hilarity.

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