There are few things more subjective than the word ‘fun’. While we all love to be entertained, the way in which we reach that state of being may greatly vary from how the person next to us participates in that concept. Ultimately, there are folks out in the world who do not like to be around other people. But for the most part, we can agree that going to parties often yields a good time.
But have you ever been to a party where the fun just stops because of the appearance of a party game? Not just one where a few of the people there bust out to entertain themselves, but an instance where the whole party stops because of this one fucking activity? These, my friends, are activities known as ruiners.
Let me take a moment to explain ruiners for the uninitiated.
A ruiner is an occurrence, thing, or activity that shows up in a seemingly regular situation and stops the good time in its tracks. Often, the ruiner shows up spontaneously and out of nowhere, meaning, it wasn’t on the discussed itinerary.
Let’s look at pornography as a prime example.
Have you ever been watching a porn that starts off really cool? For example, you did a search for lesbian porn and alas, lesbian porn shows up. The girls are making out, touching each other here and there…they’re moaning…one girl starts licking the other…But then, BAM! Before you have time to click away, there’s surprise leaky anal sex, they’ve got feces everywhere, the girls are choking on their own vomit, someone gets slapped across the face, and one of them have big ol’ swollen boobs leaking breast milk?
Okay, that is a ruiner! It’s not that these things are a problem in and of themselves, if that’s your bag. No! If all parties are down, of age, and consenting, then we’re good. But if I go to a party expecting a party…don’t pull the rug out from under me and force me to take place in activities such as…
4) Cards Against Humanity
I completely hate this game. /EntryDone
But I have to say- Cards Against Humanity is a complete ruiner. Not only do I not find it funny at all, I find that I generally have the opposite sense of humor from the people who do in fact like it.
And remember, you’re talking to a pervert here.
I recall a time when all we had was Apples to Apples, a game with similar rules. One set of cards have words on them. The other set of cards have more words on them. One card is thrown down. It’s the other players jobs to come up with a sentence that will most please the person whose turn it is.
Not only is Cards Against Humanity like that j-hole neighbor you have who is painfully basic bitch but wants you to know so very much how funny, perverted, and nerdy they are, but it demands and consumes the attention of a room. I’m not even kidding– I can’t count the number of parties I’ve been to where I’m hanging out, having a few drinks, getting my flirt on…and then this piece of fuck comes out and cock blocks me. Instantly, I’m sober. No one is allowed to talk or have a regular-ass discussion anymore while this game is whipped out. If you don’t want me hanging out with you, seriously, bust out Cards Against Humanity. It’s Loryn Repellent. I have left parties when this game comes out and I will continue to do so because, fuck…I can take a hint.
3) Drinking Games
I have a pretty regular relationship with booze. I enjoy adult beverages, but I can take them or leave them. I feel like I’ve always been ‘too old’ for drinking games. Like, I turned twenty-one and I was just over it. I guess my thought has always been, ‘Why play a game to drink when I can just play Ready, Set, Drink and get the action going?’
I went to New Hampshire with my then-boyfriend-now-husband in the winter of 2007. It was dicks freezing and my Californian-ass didn’t know how to deal with that. But we went out a lot during that freezing little vacation. And everywhere we went, people were hosting drinking games. Namely, beer pong and these drinking card games about horsemen. I don’t remember, but I knew one thing.
It was taking way too long to enjoy my beverage.
Everyone has their own weird rules and rituals with drinking games. For example, some people buy their favorite craft beer, fill up the beer pong cups, and go to town. Other people insist you need to drink shitty beer because of the copious amounts you’ll be inhaling. But if you can’t get the ball, which has been rolling all over the filthy ground into the cup, you’ll never get the beer in your face!
We’re grownups now! Drink the freakin’ drink if you want it! Don’t let a ping-pong ball designate your destiny! And while you might insist that drinking games at parties simply exist and they’re not ruiners who try to take over a good time…
I dare you to try to have a conversation while those beer pong jerks in the backyard are howling every time the ball does a ball thing.
The smartest thing Monopoly ever did was figure out that they could sell more copies by licensing a billion different versions for every pop culture franchise in the world. I’m not even kidding– that was fucking brilliant. Because you know what? Monopoly is the most boring ass game in the world.
And it seems to make an appearance at every party.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve been hanging out with some friends, sipping on a beverage, chatting about something I saw on You’re The Man Now Dog, when suddenly, boom. Monopoly happens. Nervous, I would look at the clock on my phone and tell my friends, ‘Guys, I only have like, an hour or so left to hang out. We’re not going to get through Monopoly in that time and I’d really just rather chat with you guys since we hang out so infrequently.’
To that my friends reply:
‘Get fucked, you’re playing.’
I’m not kidding when I say I’ve literally never finished a game of Monopoly. Never, not once! Do you want to hear a crushing secret too? When I was nine or ten (in the mid-90s) I was given a copy of Monopoly Junior for my birthday. And hooooooly shit, was I in love with that game.
I was Monopoly Junior crazy! It takes place in an amusement park, which was my favorite place in the world next to toy stores. It was fun, exciting, just a bit challenging, and the game was over in about thirty minutes. Everything about it was perfect. But then, I grew up. I started going to parties, and someone asked ‘Hey Loryn, do you like Monopoly?’ to which I replied, ‘Yes, I love that game.’
But I didn’t know that I didn’t know.
Out came original Monopoly and I was crushed when the amusement park was missing. It’s like when you’re a kid and you’re taken bowling. The bumpers are up, but you don’t realize that’s the stupid version. You just think that’s how the game is supposed to go and it’s so much fun! Finally, as a teenager, you’re invited out bowling with your friends. There’s no bumpers. You ask where the bumpers are and they laugh at you. You realize then that they’re not a standard. You’re an idiot. So, you take the handful of loose change your mom threw at you to make sure you’d stay out of the house longer because you’re a pain in her ass anyway and you hide in the arcade for two hours while your friends play their boushie-ass grownup version of bowling without the fucking bumpers on them!
I promise that if you think about it, Monopoly is very, very similar.
1) Very Complex Table Top Games (When You Don’t Play Tabletop Games)
Let me preface this in case you’re feeling attacked or defensive– I adore the tabletop gaming community. I love how many deep, fleshed out, massive (heh heh) worlds exist all within a board on the table! I love the meetups and the gatherings and the intricacies some of these games present. Tabletop gaming is a beautiful thing and all of you are wonderful, smart, incredible people.
But you’ve got to warn a sister if I didn’t see that coming!
Especially at a non-tabletop gaming party.
I’ll share a story.
One day, I called up two of my best girlfriends and told them I wanted to do a board game night. They said it sounded like fun and agreed to bring their husbands. Now, while I knew that both of my friends were into hardcore tabletop gaming, they knew that I was not. Therefore, I told them I would purchase snacks, drinks, and buy a new copy of my favorite game.
Now, if I had my way, we would have been playing PopOmatic Trouble. That’s the kind of jerk I am. I play baby board games. I want Girl Talk, Date Phone, Pretty Pretty Princess, and Hungry Hungry Hippos. These games are great. They’re all I need.
Therefore, when my ladies and their dudes came over, we started drinking and played maybe two rounds of Clue, which takes about 40 minutes to complete a game. By the end of Clue, we weren’t quite ready to call it quits. We played Scrabble, which was nice. At this point, we were all pretty adorabily sloshed. That’s when my friend’s husband said, ‘Hey, I have a game we can play.’
He busts out a game, and while the title is escaping me, to my inebriated eyes the game looked like something out of Warhammer.
That night, the overly complicated game was a ruiner. It was taken out at the completely wrong time of night. I was too many rounds of Scrabble, Clue, and booze deep and I didn’t understand what the hell this game was asking of me.
My friend’s husband was so enthusiastic; he tried so hard to explain this game to my garbage self and it was clear that this was a game he thought was a lot of fun. But to me, it was rules I couldn’t adhere to. It was getting set up for failure! Hell, the game made me go to the bathroom so XYandZ could happen and then banished another friend there as jail. The game makes you go to jail!
I’m sorry, but when a game worms its way into the evening so severely that it starts telling you where you can and can’t sit, you might want to consider a new activity!
It’s worth repeating– table top board gaming is excellent. It’s fantastic. It’s immersive. It’s imaginative! And fans just want more of their friends to love the hobbies they do! But just like the porn we discussed that can accidentally turn a regular, lovely scene into a ruiner…
Make sure you’re careful about where and when you take out your gaming piece.