At the time of writing this, the first Avengers: Endgame trailer, where not much happens, has become the most watched preview in 24 hours ever. To be fair, this movie is the culmination to 10 years of foreplay. This is our Return of The Jedi moment, with The Avengers being our Star Wars, Infinity War being our Empire Strikes Back, and Age of Ultron being our Star Wars Holiday Special.
I’ve watched and read about 200 trailer breakdowns by now, and it only premiered a few days ago. You can’t blame the nerdverse for busting out the “we guarantee probably this might maybe will happen” listicles or “550 hi-res stills” articles at flying speed. It’s just in our nature to dig for as much info as we can with so few details given and get it out there before the next jerk. And we only have five months to crack this mystery and spoil everything for ourselves.
But this short group of 2 second scenes spoke volumes to me. I might not even need to go see it now. I’ve already answered all the questions no one asked. Questions like:
Q: What’s Thanos farming and how delicious is it?
A: They’re called marveloots. They taste like orgasms and cash.
Q: Why does the most powerful man in the universe need a scarecrow?
A: Have you ever tasted a marveloot?
Q: Why is Captain America crying?
A: He just watched Showgirls, Sam Wilson’s last recommendation for him.
Q: Why is The Avengers’ facility so empty?
A: After invasions from space monsters, armies of murdering A.I. robots, and half the employees vanishing from existence unexpectedly, the other half quit and went to work for a safer organization, Honey Badger & Black Mamba Semen Extractors, Inc.
Q: How is Bruce Banner holding up?
A: He still can’t get over the fact that there’s an Ant-Man and a Spider-Man.
Q: Is Thor drunk the whole time?
Q: What’s Hawkeye been up to since Civil War?
A: He went underground to develop the “Up Yours/I’ll Slit Your Face” combo gesture.
Q: Is half the movie just Captain America and Black Widow standing around, stating the obvious and looking at things?
A: No, three quarters.
Q: How did Ant-Man get out of the quantum realm?
A: How did he get out the first time? Magic!
Q: If half of all life disappeared suddenly, shouldn’t the Earth be on fire or exploding?
A: Yes, but why are you being such an asshole? Just shut your mouth and preorder the ticket.
Q: What do Nebula and Tony do while stranded in space for weeks?
A: If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.
Sorry. I should have said, “Spoilers!” way back there.