When I was between the ages of 16-22, I worked a lot of retail and food service jobs. And in every place of employment, my absolute favorite game to play (with myself, of course, single player activities on the job are usually the most fun) was one that I (very non-subtly) called “Who’s Banging Who?”. It’s a social guessing game where you, the lone star participant, tries to figure out which of your co-workers are doing the Cunny-Collide based on social cues as they present themselves, or as you make them up for the convenience of your narrative.
From Coffee Bean, to Subway, to Blockbuster, to Starbucks, and over to Tony Roma’s (which was the winner, no one over there could keep their mouths off each other), it seems that where there were people pulled together in groups with the only thing they have in common is the entity that signs their paycheck, somehow, inevitably, sexual shit is going to just happen. On or off the clock, doesn’t matter, people are creative.
So, when my kids had me purchase Candy Land for them, I saw a lot of the same similarities floating up to the surface. The artwork screamed at me, and the fan theory light bulb started flashing in my brain again. Yes, the exact same one that tips off in other head canon lovers when we all decided that Sofia the First is a witch that will grow up to fall in love with Cedric the Sorcerer. Le sigh, still to this day one of my favorite ships. Note the word grows up– we may be Lurkers but we’re not complete pieces of shit.
That said, there’s a reason this game is subtitled “The Kingdom of Sweet Adventures”, isn’t there. See, this is where I would insert that sly, suggestive face emoji if I was texting this to a friend, ramping up to a joke.
Always take the opportunity to make a joke.
What was that about not being complete pieces of shit? Oh right, let’s go back to talking about Candy Land characters fucking. Before we get into which cartoon illustrations on a board game are or are not doing the Groin-Grind, it’s important to ensure we are properly introduced to all of the zone and prefectures as presented in Candy Land. We have:
Cupcake Commons, which is apparently Closed for Quarantine, too.
Ice Cream Slopes, ruled by The Duke of Swirl
Gummy Hills, apparently self-governed yet inhabited by Sentient Gummy Bears
Gingerbread House, also apparently self-governed by Sentient Ginger Bread People
Licorice Lagoon, ruled by the evil Lord Licorice
Lollypop Woods, ruled by Princess Lolly
Ice Palace, ruled by Princess Frostine
Chocolate Mountain, ruled by Gramma Gooey
And at last, Candy Castle, ruled by the unquestioned monarch King Kandy.
Right off the bat, on the cover of the box, I know this Princess Lolly is up to no good. First off, her name is Princess “Lolly” and any anime fan can tell you that if Lolli is involved, it’s a terrible, horrific, no good, very bad idea. And she’s from the Lollipop (stylized as Lollypop) Woods. She’s out to give you wood– the odds are stacked against you and only bad ideas and chicanery will come of this. Look– you may think I’m a horrific pervert for projecting this wild insanity onto a character that presents like a child, but I can tell you two things that help prove my point. One, she’s a fairy, so she ages differently. And second, judging by the curve of her chest, I’m inclined to think she’s an adult fairy, leading that poor young nerdy boy down a rabbit hole of demise and temptation. And if you don’t think she flutters her wings all over King Kandy, there’s an Easter Egg right on the box, the monarch himself explicitly exposing whose candy he’s been tasting.
Let’s move on with our detective work. We have some more uncovering to do.
If you take another look at the board as a whole, there is more overwhelming evidence that at least two more of these characters are banging behind the scenes. I’ll post it again for us to examine.
Let’s look a bit closer…what do you see?
Bingo– it’s the Leering Lord Licorice, lewdly looking at the overly sexy for no reason Princess Frostine of the Ice Palace. Let’s peek over at these two again.
For fuck’s sake, his eyes are literally glancing up the board toward her with a SNAKE between his legs! The phallic imagery has sprung away from suggestive and exploded into the apex of reality in a freakin’ hurry. Sure, you may look at him and see some weird blend of Captain Hook and Robbie Rotten, but I see the lusty throes of a man amidst a whirlwind of passion and seductive intent. And talking about Pricess Frostine for a moment– I’ve never seen a Milton Bradley character so eager to show me her tits in my life. I’m serious, this is the Jessica Rabbit of children’s board games. Yowza, I look at her and ask the same thing as I do when I see Cleo from Heathcliff– why the hell is this character so unnecessarily sexy? Like you’re making it twitch and then I have to be embarrassed and ashamed because it’s art from a board game and she’s just too hot. You knew what you were trying to make happen when you drew her like this, you knew!
I think the game wants me to assume, that ‘Gramma Gooey’ is hooked up with the King. To that I say, nah, Gramma’s got her own drippy secret. And that is with her plaything The Duke of Swirl. Wholesome and unassuming, he’s the perfect candidate to have some sort of secret. I think he gets undressed for her and drips those creamy swirls on his legs and lets Gramma melt those gooey fudge droplets on his chest like candlewax. That said, these two don’t have sex. She’s into weird shit and he likes performing for her vying approval and pleasure.
Have I played this game far too much? Yes, probably. How else do you start noticing weird shit in the media your kids consume? Have you not read the first internet article I’ve ever written about the madness that is Thomas and Friends? Welcome to Loryntine and get reading.
It only get stranger from here.
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