That hideous COVID-19 virus is running rampant, and the majority of us are doing our part by laying low in home quarantine (officially titled ‘Loryntine’ for the remainder of the text, thank you for your compliance). Sure, we miss going out with our friends (cancelled), going to work (cancelled) watching sporting events (cancelled), going to concerts (cancelled), hanging out at conventions and expos (cancelled), keeping healthy at the gym or in our aerobics/martial arts classes (cancelled) or masturbating in that tiny window of privacy after your kids go to school.
Scratch that– kids going to school has been cancelled until further notice. Spank off hour is dead, too.
As everyone is (rightfully) encouraging each other to #StayHome, or accepting the #NewNormal (man, we all really like repeating each other, don’t we?), there’s an undeniable occurrence that has transpired, at least for me, in the midst of this COVID-19 Loryntine Quarantine situation. Perhaps in has happened to you, too. And it’s even more intense than aging celebrities reading books online, like an episode of Loryntine Reading Rainbow.
You see, ladies and gentlemen– I have been pulled into a Time Warp. I know, it sounds crazy, but hear me out– I have factual evidence presented to you in listicle form (so you know you can trust it) that will prove to you without fail that I am inside the late 90s. Like seriously, I’m inside of the entire 90s literally as we speak. Are you inside the 90s, too? Check out the list below, and if anything down here applies to you during COVID-19 Loryntine Quarantine, anything at all, then you’ve definitely, without a doubt, been pulled into the same time bend, too.
14) My Kids and their Friends are Reading Captain Underpants and Goosebumps
13) My Kids are Watching Pokemon (Indigo League) Obsessively
Do what Officer Jenny says: “Sit back, hold on, and don’t yell!” because Pokemon Indigo League is the hottest thing among kids in my cul de sac. I overheard my daughter telling her friend across the street about this “Brand new show”, and although I thought I remembered it coming on TV 21-22 year ago, I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe I was mistaken, and the sudden arrival of Pokemon in my house was an indication that Time Warp sequence has been initiated.
12) My Printer Doesn’t Connect to Wi-Fi, Let Alone Work Half the Time
Nothing says “Stuck in a 90s Time Warp” quite like a broken home printer that doesn’t print.
11) People are “Working” in Chat Rooms
Slack and Discord my ass. Don’t give me that– you’re not actually working from home. It’s all a farce– you’re just one keyboard stroke away from A/S/L, R U Legel, aZn tYpInG, and some good old fashioned 1137 LEET speak.
10) All These Kids are Drawing Games on the Ground
Like chalk markings from some sort of maniacal ritual, my front and backyard concrete are covered in incoherent tribal markings that I can only assume are Hopscotch grids, Two-Square courts, Handball contests, and other chalk-tastic fossils from the days of 90s yore.
9) Amazon Deliveries are taking FOREVER
Two day Prime Deliveries? Wipe them from your mind, they never existed. It’s a hallucination. You’re a hallucination! Paper products on Amazon are experiencing about a month delay and that random ass product I ordered today because I was feeling saucy might take like five. Five freakin’ days?! Are you kidding me? I’ll be dead by then! What’s next, will I get a 20 CDs for a penny catalog?!
8) I received an Unsolicited Yellow Pages Book in the mail yesterday
GROSS. A phone book? What in the actual fuck year is happening here?!
7) My Kids are Suddenly, Out of Nowhere, Riding Their Bikes
Wait, you mean these twisted metal sculptures lying horizontally in my side yard aren’t just obstacles for me to trip over while taking out the trash?
6) Columns, the best game on Sega Genesis, has never sounded like a better idea
See the light from the tube TV, it calls me…
I’m serious– I have a garage filled with tube TVs, PVM monitors, and “retro” game consoles and all of a sudden, the Sega Genesis has been calling out to me every night to help it do what Nintendon’t. Coincidence? Or could it be Blast Processing that’s speeding me back to the past via COVID-19 90s Time Warp? If Genesis isn’t a brand new system, are you telling me that once stores open again I can’t go to Ye Olde Video Game Hardware Shop and find one brand new? My point exactly!
5) If we’re not in a 90s Time Warp, then why am I Suddenly, out of Nowhere, playing disgusting amounts of Simon the Sorcerer, the world’s best 90s Point and Click game direct from the UK?
Yeah, show me how you’ll “Well, Actually” your way out of this one, you non-believer, you!
4) My Kids are Suddenly, Out of Nowhere, Addicted to Board Games
I’m not even kidding, we’ve played Pretty, Pretty Princess six times just today. If I open the game closet and Girl Talk Date Line or Dream Phone suddenly show up next to my copy of Crossfire, I may have to scream and jump out the window.
3) My Best Friend’s Hair Suddenly, Out of Nowhere looks like Kevin Costner’s in Robin Hood: Prince of ThievesLost in the Woods, my best friend Tierney channeled her inner 90s hero when she totally woke up this way with Kevin Costner hair. If this isn’t evidence that I’m not the only person trapped in a 90s time warp, then I don’t know what is! Some things you can explain, and others, well…everything she do’s, she do’s them for you.
2) There’s like, infinity billion new Podcasts and Radio Shows and they all sound like they’ve been recorded on a Tiger Talkboy
“Hi kids, we’re trapped at home early, so now we’re going to record how funny we think are when we’re drunk or stoned and repeating some joke we heard on Family Guy and pretending it’s our own anecdote which is the vehicle and propellant into making a podcast even though we have no platform, marketing sense, no one gives a plop, or anything else going for us but hey, I’m at the party so meeeee is content, right?”
1) Dante Basco Hasn’t Aged a day since filming Hook and this video proves it
(Yes, I know this video was made in 14, but it works really well for my 90s Time Warp narrative, so just roll with it).
I mean, the facts presented here are simply inarguable. Welcome to the Loryntine Quarantine Thunderdome Time Warp, where it’s 1998 forever.
Loryn is a millennial, which means she’s in her mid-30s, pays a mortgage, says ‘oy’ a lot, and didn’t help spread COVID-19 by partying over Spring Break, you chronologically confused moron. When she’s not insulting her readers, Loryn can be found hanging out on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
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