Because you can’t spell Palpatine, he who makes my heart Palpitate, without PAL!
Today is May 4th, and that means everyone pretends they have a lisp while appreciating Star Wars for at least a full 24 hours. I know what you’re going to say next, all mighty Internet knower of things. You’re going to say, “It’s Star Wars, dumb bitch! We need to celebrate like infinity billion ways with every movie (except the one I denounce) and quote (except for the ones that got changed) and books (except for the ones that were removed from canon).”
And that’s exactly how I feel when I think about my unwavering devotion to Senator Palpatine / Darth Sideous / Star Wars Sex God Supreme.
So, how do we love thee, my one and only Darth Lord? Let us count the ways, starting with all the names this Force master has for himself.
1) Palpatine has 7 freakin’ names
Sideshow Collectibles did me a solid and provided an awesome list of all of the Emperor’s used names and titles while romancing me with his sneer and enchanting me with his smile. As if I needed convincing to want to buy their Palpatine statue that I’ll never be able to afford, but fuck it, thanks for the info, Sideshow.
- Sheev Palpatine: His given name when he was birthed by some broad on Naboo
- Darth Sideous: The name given to him by his mentor Darth Plagueis that he “totally didn’t slaughter while D-Plauge was sleeping”.
- Senator Palpatine: Mmmmm, a man in power. Use that apprentice Darth Maul to manipulate the galaxy, gorgeous.
- Supreme Chancellor Palpatine: More syllables, more unlimited power. In this incarnation, General Bad Boy takes on apprentices Count Dooku and Prince Bad Boy, Anakin Skywalker before swelling his control to beefcake levels of spanking domination. No, no, no, you will die.
- Emperor Palpatine: Long live the king. That is, until a very unimpressed Luke Skywalker can’t be tempted to the darkside. Don’t worry, my darling, you haven’t lost your touch. Some people can’t recognize a good time when they see it.
- Grandpa Palpatine: In his role as the sexiest UFO claw machine in Science Fiction movie history, it confirms that the world knows something that I’ve been screaming since like, 2002– Palpatine is sexy, filled with passion, and takes the Highway to the Boner Zone. Gonna take me right into the Boner Zone. And if you think this was some sort of act of insemination, my question for you is…why? He’s a charismatic man in power. People want to rock that hurricane!
- Every Fucking Sith in the Room: This last one may be a stretch, but if Rey is the culmination of every Jedi (thanks, Avatar Rey), then Palpatine is every fucking Sith in the room. Hey man, the dark side of the force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural, after all. And if having a whole bunch of people inside of you at the same time is wrong, then who even wants to know how to be right, am I right?
His words of wisdom are like poetry to my devoted ears
Ebeneezer Scrooge: Weapons Master
Not to mention that this fight of Darth Maul & Savage Opress VS Palpatine makes panties drop, right? Careful or you’ll slip in the Saber Spooge.
He’s a phenomenal politician who is the entire Senate unto himself.
His plastic surgeon is absolutely phenomenal
He will make you feel like the tastiest snack in the room
Did I mention how sexy UFO Catcher Episode 9 Palpatine Corpse is?
Two Words: Double Pen
Actor Ian McDiarmid Wants to Be My One and Only Palpy
In a 2017 interview with BBC, Palpatine actor Ian Mcdiarmid stated that he didn’t want anyone else playing his character, who at that point, he had played in 4 movies. Ooh, possessiveness is sexy! Don’t worry, Ian– you’re the only robed bad boy for me. And believe me, when Rise of Skywalker writers and director had no one what in the ever-living-fuck to do with that movie, it was a nethers-tingling-relief to hear that delicious cackle of yours in that pulled together nightmare of a teaser trailer, my Galactic Daddy.
MAY THE FORCE BE STRONG WITH YOU ALL, LURKERS!
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