The Sofa Soldier: How Our Social Climate Shames Productivity and Celebrates Laziness

It’s not reaching too far to say that this year, 2020, has brought out some truly hideous colors from every angle in the fucking room. If there is a single degree greater than 360, this year has been a blast to the face from that bonus round angle, one hundred percent without a doubt. For the past, what, seven months now, the world has been a mess and with it, our every day lives and the building blocks which equal our preferred modus operandi.

Via inspirational messages on social media, we know that we are “in it together”, but from the smug grinning of self declared “chilling introverts” and other (point blank) assholes in their “comfy pants” who enjoy seeing people unhappy, you know that we are not in anything together. Hell, we’re at the point now where being sick and tired of staying at home and/or wanting to take care of your physical and mental health has become a damn political issue. The desire to go out, socialize, not become a slob, or not watch television for 30 hours per day and unraveled into a fucking political siding or issue.

Do you understand how insane this has become? Do you understand how I understand how insane I sound right now? Because I do! But again– this is seven months of frustration exploding upon a single article. I’ll try to keep this succinct. Or you know what, fuck it– maybe I won’t. Because we all need some fire right now. We’ve been muddling through a dreary, wet, thick soul sucking swamp for months and I think it’s time for some heat.

Let’s take a breath and back this discussion up a bit. But believe me, there is a discussion, and whether or not these issues are currently under your radar, they are blaring bright flashing hideous annoyance in my face. And if you were kind enough to read my article about Broken Aggressiveness: The Personality Trope That Society Should Stop Embracing, you’ll know that in addition to discussion pop culture media, I can’t let sociological behaviors go ignored. Especially when they are fuck-annoying. Which is my diagnosis of many people’s behavior during this COVID-19 Stay at Home Quarantine mess– some people out there are fuck-annoying.

Tell me more, Commander Quarantine.

Today, my friends, we are discussing the Sofa Soldier, cousin of the ever pleasant (and ever present) Keyboard Warrior.

And the worst part about it– I’m not even sure if people out there mean to be a Sofa Soldier. Thus if you’re just yelling into an abyss because you think you have the right to get your opinion out (because your mental health) and can’t put a single toe into someone else’s shoes, maybe, for just the briefest moment, you might want to reconsider the validity of your opinion.

When quarantines and lock downs were ordered in March 2020, I know that all of us were afraid. I’ll speak for myself, as I always do, and admit it– I was terrified. A virus dangerous enough to destroy lungs and bodies was floating through the air, absorbing through our eyeballs, lingering on touched surfaces for 500 days in spite of scrubbing, unable to be killed by the heat of the sun, the salt of the beach air, or all of those soaps and disinfecting sprays that were quickly disappearing from shelves?! And what the fuck do you mean there is no more toilet paper, oh my god!

Trust– I panicked too.

I stocked up on groceries, I refused to see people, I did the entire song and dance with intense discipline for about 75 days. While I don’t often soften and admit I am anything less than fire and steel, I unraveled. I gained 10 pounds from depression eating (which has since been lost plus another 15 pounds, thank the stars), I could no longer go to Krav Maga training due to closures, my conventions were all cancelled, and I didn’t know what to do with myself. My children were now home all the time, and every day on social media was quickly becoming a vile displeasure.

This is where the real meat of this article begins.

When all events, retail spaces, schools, bars, and restaurants began closing down, I think all of us experienced about two weeks of “Disaster Comradery”. After that, all bets were off and I very quickly observed the smugness from (some of, trust not everyone is a dick) the “Introvert” community. People who consistently post that they are mentally unwell were now celebrating that people who like to go out or exercise or take care of themselves were “Stuck at home, on the couch, watching TV and eating snacks“, which is ahhh, the day in the life of an introvert. Even worse, the smugness continued with screams (online, of course, the only way the vile Sofa Soldier and Keyboard Warrior knows how) of “JUST STAY HOME! YOUR GOVERNMENT IS TELLING YOU TO SIT ON YOUR COUCH AND WATCH MOVIES AND EAT, AND YOU PEOPLE CAN’T JUST DO THAT?!”

How Sofa Soldiers congratulate a day well spent yelling online.

You know what, Sofa Soldier– no. Not all of us can just do that. Mentally, emotionally, or physically– not all of us can just do that. And I am one of them. I can’t do that.

What I can of course do is wear a mask everywhere (of which I do) that is required or suggested without whining– that’s not part of the conversation. What the conversation is today is the shaming or lack of understanding by a very loud group of people who have to call out other people when they dare to make an attempt to be productive, better themselves, or have fun in this climate. Because we have to admit it– this shit’s been going on for a while at this point. Like most of this year. And while I’m not a “Caution to the wind, balls to the walls, there is no COVID” kind of person, I’m definitely on team “Make adjustments, make changes, be cautious, but take care of yourself” sort of person.

As with most things in my life, I’ve personally always been somewhere in the middle with many and most issues unless they involve hurting people, then it’s a hard NOPE. But that’s a separate discussion.

We are currently in a climate where many of us feel we cannot discuss our accomplishments. Because you know what– we’re not supposed to have any accomplishments. We’re on lockdown still, technically. So because of that, what I am observing is that all of the information being thrown at us is overwhelmingly negative. But in my opinion, this is a self fulfilling prophecy. Think about it for a moment. Let’s look at the steps:

  • Quarantine hits and we’re ordered to stop going to work, going out, going to gyms or martial arts, everything.
  • Commence smugness from “introverts” (perhaps those with cold hearts?) and the self-congratulatory lazy people who declare that we are now punished to be just like you.
  • As the climate begins to heal a bit, people who dare to go out for a meal (and dine outside) are yelled at (via drive by in cars) by supposed “pacifists” and other gentle social justice warriors that they should not be out. Yes, this happens to people I know.
  • As money begins to run out and people are desperate to return to the convention industry, my business partner and I start up a swap meet. Low and behold, it is conducted safely, no one came out of it sick, and *gasp!* my vendors made enough money to survive another month! But people with “such big hearts” who “care so much” still backhandedly shame us for daring to leave the confines of the sofa. Say it to my face, bitch. Or you know what? Even better, shut your fucking mouth and don’t come to the show.
  • Now, bored on the sofa and fattened with snacks, (maybe attending a few online protests or two) said introverts have moved onto shaming anyone who dares try to take care of their physical health. Other than runners in masks or families taking walks– those guys are cool, right? Even people picking up classes and training in the park are a problem if they dare remove it for a snack or drink of water. There’s too many people– you shouldn’t be here.
  • Someone on Twitter says something that shames people for being productive or disciplined. The tweet goes viral. They follow up with a link to their OnlyFans page.
  • With nothing to do, the Sofa Soldiers pepper their personalities with gluttony and keep it low brown by bragging about all the trash food they are about to consume. It’s with this that overeating has become a weird kink that is being twisted into “cute”.
What you think you look like after telling everyone to stay home, wear a mask, and watch TV all day.

The last one there is the biggest one that drives me crazy, and it’s only celebrated by jackass attention whores who try to convince society that everything they do is smart and cute so they can start up an OnlyFans and make money off their ugly twats. I’m not kidding, it’s 100% without fail. Think about it– how many people on your social media feed try to talk about how cute it is when they’ve eaten a sack of tacos for the tenth time this week? How about memes like “Current Mood: Chicken Nuggets”. Has gluttony become so accepted and embraced that it’s part of your personality?

I’ll let you in on a secret– hard work is just that– hard. It is difficult not to trash your body. It is difficult to maintain a strict, sugar free, grain free diet. It is hard to train multiple times per week. Laying down on the sofa and watching whatever the fuck on streaming is easy. Eating a whole pizza is easy. Doing nothing is easy. Yelling your shit, narrow, unwelcomed, Sofa Soldier cunt opinion with your fingers on the internet and fighting with strangers is easy. (Though to me it sounds dreadful and exhausting).

To reiterate, many things have happened to me over the last seven months that are really positive that again, I’m not comfortable discussing on my social media. And that makes me really sad. No, I don’t need an applause for everything I’m doing. Sure, I can call everyone in my life one by one and let them know what is going on. But you all know as well as I do that it’s easier to reach your friends and family with social media posts. Especially when you’re as popular as I am ::flips hair::

Haha, my finger slipped and I wrote Plopular. I like that, I’m sticking with it and embracing it.

Oh, and I have to address how fun it is when any of us with children dare to express a morsel of an opinion about the troubles of Distance Learning, just to have everyone chime in with the obligatory “You just want your kids gone so you can day drink” line. I want them back in school so I can jack off, genius. Get it right.

Kidding. That was a joke. I do that sometimes. We all know the school discussion tears parents apart. So don’t be a whore and spout shit for the sake of a few Facebook likes. Your monster heart has no idea what the ever loving shit it is talking about.

Your Facebook post sure showed me.

But that, in a way, is what much of this is coming down to. When you, whether you mean to or not, shame productivity and shut others down who are daring to make themselves better, or hell, even just keep themselves afloat mentally or physically in this climate, you look like a monster. To me, and remember, as I said, I always speak for myself, the Sofa Soldier look like Jabba the Hutt on the couch with the TV on shoving sludge down your gullet telling people they are horrible. Then people complain that there’s too much negativity. Why is there so much negativity? Because COVID justice warriors don’t want to hear positivity right now. Because positivity equals productivity and right now, you don’t want to hear that. There’s some food for thought for you. Although this time, it’s not in the shape of a burrito.

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