Happy First PopLurker article of 2021, Lurkers! And to ring in this year, which we’re still hoping isn’t quite as turbo as last year, we are kicking off our content with something fun and silly that will satisfy the Garbage Person needs in us all. Because trust, a little bit of laughter and literary analysis is good for us all.
As of three weeks ago, I officially (for the first time in about twelve years) became a dog owner. And with the ownership of a dog, I have begun taking part in Dog Owner Activities ™. Such activities include, but are not limited to… wait for it… taking said dogs on walks. Which means with Shit Bags in tow (plop sacks, poopie containers, or whatever name you care to call the, by), I’m out, hoping that said Dog Dump is not A) Runny or B) on someone’s yard who is not so…. welcoming to the biological experiences of said dog’s rump.
Like all animals, we humans look for key signs and symbols that help us understand the world around us and figure out the context of the information we’re receiving. Whether that’s via direct auditory cues, setting/lighting/symbolism, or music cues in our entertainment, we often need assistance in understanding how to understand something! Hence why there are so many misunderstanding and fights via text– there’s no bloody context!
Which got me thinking about the voice of Dog Shit Yard Signs.
Wait, where are you going, come back.
Dog ownership can be really tense, and much like parenting human children, it is a mixed bag of sweet, cuddly rewarding moments peppered with “Oh my god, will you please stop lunging at that fucking poodle for that umpteen billionth time this week?!?! He doesn’t want to be your friend, you kangaroo hopping mad man of a pooch!!!” Fortunately, most people who own dogs are one of two things. 1) Very sympathetic to the nuanced behaviors of dogs, or 2) they clutch their figurative pearls and make you feel like a savage shit heap with an untrained mess of a dog.
I’m telling you, parenting is exactly the same.
So when you’re out with your dog, shit bags in tow, you hope that people are understanding that you can’t always hurry your pup to the nearest park, field, or dirt patch for them to perform their rectal evacuation. Sometimes, sorry mates, it’s going to be in your yard. It sucks, I know– it’s an awkward moment for me too.
But via sign in the yard, homeowners can indirectly communicate their feelings about this stinky business permeating their atmosphere. And you know, I’ve come to observe the different voices present in all of these semiotics, these sign symbols. Is the homeowner welcoming to this stink spattering? Or do they want you dead for owning a dog? Today on PopLurker we’re going to break down the voices present in Dog Shit Yard Signs to help you understand the context of said yard owner’s attitude toward your pet’s tuchas so that in the event they open the door and scream at you, you are better prepared.
Example 1 – Your Dog is Welcome as Fuck to Shit Here
While the “Your Dog is Welcome as Long as One of You Cleans Up” sign assumes a lot about my lifestyle (such as my cohabitation and perfectly bland suburban lifestyle, though it’s not wrong), these signs are friendly with warm, loving voices. They let me know via cute cartoons that everyone poops, there’s nothing wrong with that, and all I have to do to get a smile and free pass to Dog Parenting Valhalla is to whip out that baggie and scoop away. These signs demonstrate the optimum conditions dog owners want to see while taking the pup out for a stroll.
Example 2 – Shit Happens, I Don’t Love It, Just Clean It Up
These signs are the “We know all children scream, they just don’t have to scream so loudly in my face” voice in the world of Dog Poop Yard Signs. It’s visiting your childless friend who sighs and glances upward while you try to catch up, only to have your kids dissolve into tantrums every five minutes and throw die-cast Thomas trains at each other. She has an opinion, but knows that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, so she looks away and drinks from her coffee/tea/wine mug instead. You feel bad because you love your friend and want them to love your kids, but what they’re doing sucks. So, in a very cut to the chase/diplomatic way, you’re being told “I don’t fully agree with what’s happening here, but if it needs to exist, just do me a solid and leave my space the way you found it.”
Example 3 – I Don’t Want to Be Hostile, But Kindly Fuck Off
These signs is where we edge from polite, to putting up with our bullshit, to giving us the first harsh NO. And you know what, that’s fine– trust, no where am I suggesting in this innocent little Snarkticle that anyone has to let dogs plop on their grass, so don’t mistake the message here. I get it! But from these signs are really the turning point– patience has run out. What was once cute is not anymore. Although I have to say– Trespooping is pretty funny. If I didn’t know better, I’d think it was an invitation. It’s like the sign is funny, so I’m going over there to read it, and BLAM! My dog thinks we’re stopping for a reason and gets too comfortable. It’s a self fulfilling shit storm and I’m not sure when I lost control of the boat.
Example 4 – Your Dog Could Poop Here, But It’s Against the Law, You Will Be Fined, and by the way it kills plants
These signs might be my favorite. Not only are they passive aggressive, but they’re threatening to fine you as well. Like your dog cooooooould crap here. And you cooooooould clean it up, thanks. But you’ll be fined and by the way, your dog trotting ass is on video. All right, you voyeur creep– you’re recording me or monitoring me at the very least on surveillance– now what are you going to do? Is my dog pooping the action that will get me fined, or is it me not cleaning it up? So, not only are you watching me, but you’re leaving me with all these existential questions that I’m not sure what to do with.
Example 5 – I Beg of thee, Don’t Besmirch OUR HOME!
I take it back– this might be my favorite. There is a desperation in the “THIS IS OUR HOME!” Our– who is our?! Who are these multiple people existing in this sphere together? Am I to guess? Because I will– I will start making up a narrative for you. I will start making up a personality for you. I will decide who OUR is. I will decide what the timbre of this wavering, whiny voice begging me to keep MY fuck-dog off OUR home.
Example 6 – Loud and Clear, My Dog and I will Go Fuck Ourselves
Until it’s time for me to again, read the text on that sign. Seriously, that sign telling me to keep off the grass has so much to say. I walk up to the sign to take part in my own abuse, and bam. Shit city. My dog is messing all over your yard because I went up to the sign to see what your demands wanted from me. But you are correct–my dog will stay out of your yard.
Example 7 – Not Dogs, Because it’s Funny
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