My Descent into Blippi: Confessions of a Stay-at-Home Mom

It started simply enough.

My intentions were good. I decided to get my daughter a tablet to keep her calm on car rides. All right that’s only half true. Car rides and any time I need five minutes without her trying to jump into the ceiling fan again. Now, I normally give her reasonably free reign of the tablet. I make a playlist of kid-appropriate content that doesn’t include Spiderman impregnating Elsa, she enjoys said show, and we live in relative peace. But then one day…

One day.

I was watching YouTube with my daughter and I stumble on this guy. An interesting character going by the name Blippi. Now she was familiar with him, but this was the first time I laid eyes on this person. This YouTube persona.

Fuck it, I’m just going to say it.

This hunk.

I can’t take my eyes off him. Together, me and the daughter are hooked.

She (of course) is interested in what he’s saying and teaching her. I’m (of course) more interested in what he’s not saying. His exuberance, his bright colors, his…

Effortless sexuality.

Those eyes framed in orange plastic feels like they’re probing my body, ready to educate me. What makes me so hard for Blippi? Why do his suspenders give me warm feelings as I picture myself grabbing them and binding my hands to be closer to him?

More importantly, how can I convince my husband to wear that hat without him catching on?

I feel like I have to unpack some stuff about myself and what this piece of man meat is doing to my heart.

This got me thinking on other TV crushes that I’ve had, or remember other mothers mentioning. The first one I can remember hearing about is Steve from Blue’s Clues. Now, I grew up with Steve. He was cool, but I never enjoyed the show on the level that other kids did. I honestly thought that the interaction was a little awkward, as was the eye contact with the camera, and the dramatic pause while waiting for me to answer. But for the moms watching, it was a different story. This man did something fucking magical. He got the kids to shut up and sit still for at least half an hour.

Fucking. Sexy.

Lazy Town was another show I heard a lot of moms gush over. I never watched this one personally so let’s look at it from an outsiders’ point of view. As explained to me by another mom:

“It’s a show about a little girl who comes to town to help some cranky gay couple fix their issues.”

Already I can tell you that Sportacus alone, not my type. But HEEYYYY Robbie Rotten! Now if this show didn’t have boys love all over it, don’t worry, there have been others that written that for us. Ah, bless you Fan Fiction.

As a stay at home mom that has been married for ten years now, I can say that almost anything you can throw at me is a turn on.

Want to go even earlier? Fine- for you 80s mamas out there, there was Pee Wee Herman. And if you don’t get the appeal here let me show you.

Look at this man. Look at him. Even though he acts like a clown there is something in his aura. He exudes confidence and doesn’t give a flying fuck if you like him or not because he’s “a loner Dotty, a rebel”. While researching pictures I found one even Pee Wee deniers would have a hard time passing over.

Just take a look at this…

Wanna keep falling down this rabbit hole? Fine, I’m game if you are. Before Pee Wee there was Mr. Rogers. Or as I like to call him: Grandfather of The Hotness. This man was everything you could look for; stylish, friendly, and a voice that could soothe like no other.

He knew what was up.

In fact, the only thing wrong with him was that he spent excessive amounts of time in The Land of Make Believe. But let’s face it, staying home all day doing chores and paying bills. Who wouldn’t want to escape to a land of make believe, am I right?

Mr. Rogers was on a lot when I was growing up. He was the parents go-to safe show. You know, something you could put on and not have to worry about. Now that I think about it my Nana was pretty fond of watching with me. I also remember her having nothing but complimentary things to say about him. Heck if she was watching Mr. Rogers for the same reasons as me watching Blippi with my kid then hey, Rock on Nana!

But going back to Blippi.

You know, I visited his website because he told me to. And while I was there, he suggested I subscribe to all his shit. And fuck yeah, I subscribed to all his shit. Blippi. Man, that Blippi. He can act like a child and get kids attention. And mine for that matter.

I mean look at how he handles his produce.

But you know what I found when I went to see if he had any live stuff scheduled? Nada, Zip, Zero. I wonder if he is hiding from other creepy moms like me? To which I say, don’t worry.

I’ll be gentle.

So WHY do we Stay-at-Home Moms think these people are sexy? I think I figured it out. While Daddy is at work making the money and Mommy is at home with the kids, these men are the male presence in the house. They entertain kids and give moms the breather they need for their sanity. You know, that five minutes alone in the bathroom we all need once in a while. And hell, for you Stay-at-Home Dads out there who watch weird things with your kids? Maybe you have your own list of secret-lust-hotties you want to tell us about someday!

But until then we just want to say…

Dear Blippi,

The way you entertain kids is sexy. Playing with kids that aren’t yours and giving us a break is even better. Come be my daddy and play with me for a while. Come on, take me down that slide. You can wear your construction worker getup and we can sing that cool halloween song. And you know…play dress up in these glasses…together in our Blippi shirtsWhile I hold my Blippi Doll from Amazon. And you soothe me to sleep with your Blippi Sleep Book.

Yours Truly,

A Typical Stay-at-Home Mom

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