5 TV Husbands Guilty of the Same (Weird) Trope

5 TV Husbands Guilty of the Same (Weird) Trope

By Loryn Stone and Rachael Brennan

 

Today’s Trope is a strange one that’s been bogging our brains for like, five minutes now.

We’ve watched a lot of old TV. And after a certain amount of time, patterns and trends come to the forefront. Therefore in today’s article, we decided to address one of the most annoying tropes of all, one that’s typically played up for laughs.

What’s so funny about the husband who won’t fuck his attractive, sexually starved, writhing wife?

Is there comedy in there? We’re not completely sure.

Just to make sure there was no overlap with a better written and more researched piece, we looked on the TV Tropes website. And you know what? We couldn’t even FIND this trope on the site. Sure, we found the Sexless Marriage. You know the ones, where the couple slept in separate rooms or the show joked about the husband being closeted or a germaphobe. But after searching for the “Husband whines about taking it to the bone-zone trope” all we found were real-life issues about couples not having sex anymore and that was just sad.

Thankfully, sadness doesn’t apply to our below selection of men. In fact, they’re just curmudgeons who don’t know a beautiful prize when she’s swaying down over his face. Some of our favorites are…

 

5. Three’s Company: Stanley and Helen Roper

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Simply put, these two are weird. Even as a kid watching the show, (more of the show than I ever anticipated watching) I never thought Mr. and Mrs. Roper looked right standing next to each other. Maybe it was as simple as Mrs. Roper’s hair was so big and red or perhaps it was their similar heights or the difference in the actors’ builds, but I swear it looks like Mr. and Mrs. Roper belong on different shows.

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And speaking of her hair, just saying, Shari Lewis wore it better.

However, a lot of what I do remember in Three’s Company was Helen Roper’s constant mumu garb, her smoky voice, and her incessant need for sex.

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Meanwhile, Stanley Roper’s twisted, snarling face always has a nasty comeback ready to go, as well as a bizarre trademark “breaking the fourth wall smug, shit-eating grin”.

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And while copying from a show’s Wiki page isn’t my MO, I had to make an exception for these two. Because, truthfully, I could never quite understand what was so terrible about Helen that repulsed Stanley quite so hard.

And apparently, neither could the show:

A significant amount of their tension is due to Helen’s regular desire for romance with Stanley, while Stanley, at whom the series storyline suggests, may have issues with impotency, is either clueless, distracted by concerns over repairs around the apartment, money (particularly the tenants rent being overdue), tenants’ complaints or simply indifferent and uninterested. During the character’s time on the series, he was known for breaking the fourth wall by smiling and snickering at the camera after telling a sarcastic, snappy one liner joke, often at his wife’s expense. He usually uses the term “Not tonight Helen, I got a headache.”

See? Not even the writers could figure out his excuse.

 

4. Married with Children: Al and Peggy Bundy

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I will stand not stand for argument here- Married with Children is one of the best shows that ever existed. With its over-the-top humor, bawdy sexuality, and unconventional character depictions, seeing the Bundy family fuck shit up again week after week was both hilarious and exciting. Especially after the show found its voice and style somewhere between seasons 2 and 3.

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What was so funny about Married with Children is that everyone, the entire cast, was exceedingly attractive. By age ten, I had a crush on both Bud and Kelly, whatever my mood decided that day. Jefferson was my man.

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And that episode where Peg took Bud out of town and left a sick Kelly home alone with Al? That episode was my sexual awakening.

But speaking of Peg Bundy, there is one funny thing about the way Al, a man filled with lust and wanton deviance, views his wife.

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He doesn’t want to have sex with her.

Not on the regular, anyway.

We know Al loves Peg. Many times throughout the series, the two are caught being affectionate and even tenderly pawing at each other.

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Do you remember the episode “The Propositions” where Al’s ex-girlfriend (played by Vanna White) comes back rich and tries to buy him away from Peg? She stood for none of that. And Al let Peg take him back, no questions asked.

But with sex? Hell, maybe it’s because Al is bored. After all, he and Peg were high school sweethearts. Maybe it’s because he’s unhappy with his job as a shoe salesman in the mall. (Which is even more ironic that the Bundy family has a nice house). But on numerous episodes, we have Peg, clad in ruffly nighties with her glorious cans hanging out…and Al wants nothing to do with them.

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In fact, the only times he’s interested in sex with Peg is when other men find her sexy, like in this episode where her bedroom-eyed billboard is hanging outside Al’s shoe store…

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Or this episode here, where Al convinces Peg to cook and clean. Somehow, her actual “performing domestic duties” is enough to get him all riled up, much to her dismay. Al drags Peg away, caveman style, for another spontaneous diddle-sesh, all while she’s cartoonishly clutching the picnic table squealing “I’m so tired!”

The internet was smart enough to make this awesome gif for our viewing pleasure.

And what sweet, sweet pleasure it is.

 

3. I Love Lucy: Fred and Ethel

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Even I Love Lucy, arguably one of the greatest shows in the history of television, used this trope for laughs. While both the Ricardos and the Mertzes obviously had loving relationships, Fred and Ethel seemed to up the ante on your typical marital spats. The show aired during a time when the networks wouldn’t even consider showing a married couple sharing a bed, let alone making any kind of sexual innuendo, so we never heard a sad slide whistle when Ethel climbed into bed or anything like that, but the writers still managed to make it clear that Fred couldn’t help but be a little repulsed by his wife.

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Fred often refused to show physical affection towards Ethel as a gag in the storyline, making comments as though he thought she was fat and unattractive. In one of the very first episodes Ricky tries to convince Fred that they should romance their wives into going to a boxing match with them, to which Fred reacts as though Ricky suggested making out with his own brother:

Fred: Smooch? Ethel?

Ricky: Now, look, everybody knows you can get around a woman with a little sweet talk.

Fred: Well, that’s all right for Lucy but it’s a longer trip around Ethel.

Ricky: Do you want to go to the fights, or don’t you?

Fred: All right, all right, I’ll smooch.

The thought that Fred wouldn’t ever want to touch Ethel romantically isn’t even limited to the two of them! In the episode Fred and Ethel Fight, Lucy and Ricky talk about how sad they are that Fred and Ethel are squabbling:

Lucy: I heard Ethel downstairs crying all morning. I’ll bet Fred’s eating his heart out too.

Ricky: Hah!

Hah?! Why would Fred be upset that he isn’t speaking to his wife? I mean, they’ve only been married for 25 years and own a business together, obviously he would never miss such a disgusting sea hag of a woman, right?

This isn’t a gag that was used once or twice and abandoned, either. This joke was a constant, including the episode “Desert Island” in the last season.

Fred: How do you like that? Marooned on a desert island and it’s got to be with – *jerks thumb towards Ethel*

Ethel: Fred, you’d better be nice to me. We may be here so long that I’ll start looking good to you.

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Only on TV sitcoms can a man be a fat, bald, 50-year-old cheapskate and still have the audience laugh at the thought that a woman who looks like Vivian Vance isn’t sexy enough for him.

 

 2. The Muppets: Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy

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Since Miss Piggy’s first appearance on the Muppets in the late 70’s she has told everyone who was willing to listen about her relationship with Kermit the Frog. According to Piggy, not only are they in love but they’ve been married since at least 1986 when she announced that Kermit was a “happily married frog” in The Muppets: A Celebration of 30 Years.

Kermit, however, has been pretty adamant that he is not romantically involved with Miss Piggy. In 1993 Kermit told Larry King that he and Piggy were not together, that they were not married, and that their relationship was misconstrued by the press. He has repeated this over and over again in multiple interviews with everyone from Gene Shalit to Jay Leno, only to recant in 2008 and admit that they are actually romantically involved after all.

What kind of dick move is that, Kermit?

While we’ve never explicitly seen any of the Muppets pre-coital (at least officially…there are some crazy weirdos on YouTube, after all) the relationship between Kermit and Piggy has essentially been the PG version of this trope for more than 40 years. Telling the world that he would never be willing to pork a pig while going home to Piggy at the end of each day is emotionally abusive. If Piggy didn’t have more confidence and self-esteem than Kanye West Kermit probably would have destroyed her.

The are-they-or-aren’t-they relationship between them has forever been played as a humorous bit, meant to give you a chuckle at poor Kermit’s inability to convince Piggy he doesn’t love her. We are supposed to laugh at the fact that he is so afraid of being karate chopped that he won’t just walk away from the woman who is basically stalking him (which is a different article altogether) when in reality she is just being honest when she talks about love, marriage, and children with the recalcitrant frog. We are meant to think it is hilarious that a frog of Kermit’s caliber – smart, attractive, star of movies and TV shows – would ever be in love with a porker like Miss Piggy.

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Well, you know what Kermit? Miss Piggy is quite a catch. Called an “international sex goddess” by People magazine, Piggy is a confident, powerful pig who doesn’t need to be your secret girlfriend. Like all women who know deep down inside they deserve better, now that your relationship has ended Piggy’s future seems so bright she’ll have to wear shades.

 

1. Sex and the City: Charlotte York and Trey MacDougal

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All right, here’s the thing. When we started wracking our brains for couples on TV that fall into this trope (and asking friends on Facebook who watch lots of TV for recommendations), this couple was thrown at us a few times. At first, it was a no brainer, out of the question rejection. What do you mean include Charlotte and Trey from Sex and the City? They don’t fall into this trope! The dude is impotent. That’s not being played for laughs. They’re in a sexless marriage, but it’s circumstantial.

But then we remembered the episode where he admits that he is physically turned off by the idea of fucking his wife. And that’s when all the goods started rolling in.

Trey sees the person occupying the role of his “wife” in a staunch, chaste, rigid, pious way. Therefore, when he imagines having sex with Charlotte, who probably could be anyone and he wouldn’t want to fuck her as long as she was wife, it’s Soft-Schlong in the City all the way.

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Ultimately, it comes down to the Madonna-Whore complex, a very much real thing that exists in some men’s heads. Even still, Trey’s issues with sex and/or sex with Charlotte were very much so played up for comedy when convenient to the plotline. Do you remember the line “Can I get my mu-shu without a side of sperm?” when he and Charlotte decided they would try for a baby?

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How about that scene where Trey’s mom was giving him a bath? Or rather, how about Trey’s entire relationship with his stereotypical overbearing mother? Was that played for comedy in the series?

And what about when Charlotte and Trey did decide to go to therapy and the psychologist suggested they name their genitals in order to take some of the pressure off the premise of sex, penetration, and baby-making?

Come on, remember Schooner and Rebecca?

To this day I can’t look at girls named Rebecca without thinking about Kristen Davis’ likely very lovely lady parts.

Which really…just makes for a more amusing day for me.

 

Follow Loryn and Rachael on Twitter where they’ll tell you about every trope in the effing room

 

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Ladies Choice! 15 of the Sexiest Cartoon Characters Ever!

Ladies Choice! 15 of the Sexiest Cartoon Characters Ever!

By PopLurker Readers

You’ve seen the countless lists online: Who are the sexiest cartoon characters ever? And time and time again, the same characters appear on these lists. Everyone from Jessica Rabbit, Gadget from Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers, to April O’Neal from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 

We get it- they make your boners pop.

But what about us ladies?

That’s why we at PopLurker decided to have some fun. We gathered 15 opinions of the hottest cartoon characters from the female perspective. And well, some of the answers were surprising!

15. Trent Lane from Daria

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“Trent Lane was my cartoon husband. I wanted to meet a man exactly like him.”

14. Goliath from Gargoyles 

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“Look at that body. He looks like a wild rock-man version of Nathan, the Dethclock singer from Metalocalypse” 

13. Gambit from X-Men

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“That red hair. That French-Creole accent. Those cards! What’s he gonna do with those cards? Who knows!”

12. Dad Goofy 

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“There just a crazed unpredictability to Dad-Goofy from the old 1950s Disney shorts that’s just so sexy. Is he going to raise the baby and clean up after him? Or is he going to snap and kill him? The contrast is just so alluring!”

11. Cleo from Heathcliff

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“Cleo from Heathcliff is a problem. I’m a straight female who isn’t into cartoon fur-girls by any stretch and Cleo even makes me look twice and blush.”

10. Vampire Hunter D

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“Vampire Hunter D is so incredibly sexy. He’s half-human, half-vampire, and a quiet mysterious killer. Plus, that hair…that hat? Yum.”

9. Barney Rubble from The Flintstones

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“He makes me laugh. I like funny guys.”

8. Evil Hans from Frozen

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“Hans is such a wiener through most of the movie. But once we find out he’s evil, his body language is so swaggering and sexy that I kind of wish he’d use that sword on me.”

7. Princess Daphne from Dragon’s Lair

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“Keep your Jessica Rabbit. Princess Daphne is the one who challenges my sexuality!”

6. Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon

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“He was reincarnated to fall in love with you and protect you. He tries to kill you like, five times and is easily brainwashed. Moon Crystal, GIMME!”

5. Touga Kiriyu from Utena

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“He’s just the OG Anime Fuckboi.”

4. Robin from Teen Titans Go

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“I’m so ashamed to admit it, but I find Robin so sexy I can barely deal. That whole unhinged thing doesn’t hurt, either.”

3. Prince Naveen from The Princess and the Frog

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“He’s just so suave and dreamy and he’s such a good dancer. What do his other moves look like?”

2. Prince Philip from Sleeping Beauty

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“The way he handles that sword again the dragon at the end of the movie. His determination to reclaim his love. His actual personality which had never happened to a Disney prince before? Swoon and sigh…oh Prince Philip.”

1. Lupin from Lupin the Third

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“He’s just so cute and effortlessly cool. I want to solve mysteries with him, pound booze, and tap that ass.”

Hungry like the Lupin, er, Wolf indeed…

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11 Times Mystery Science Theater 3000 was the Best at Everything

11 Times Mystery Science Theater 3000 was the Best at Everything

By Loryn Stone

 

I love nerd shit.

I consider myself a very active part of two fandoms: Sailor Moon and Mystery Science Theater 3,000. From collecting, to cosplaying, to acting as an Admin for a Sailor Moon group on Facebook, I am balls deep to the point where my 20 year love affair with the fandom inspired the novel I wrote, My Starlight, set for publication on August 3rd 2018 by Affinity Rainbow Publications.

I’m sorry, I’m too excited not to plug it.

The second fandom, Mystery Science Theater 3,000 (or MST3K as we MSTies call it) is nothing short of a fucking pleasure. This show has such a long and amazing history, getting its start on Public Access back in 1988. From there, the show evolved quickly. It was on The Comedy Channel, which became Comedy Central, where it eventually found a home on Sci-Fi, and now today on Netflix with the seasons 11/12 revival.

But somehow, the show always maintained a cozy, intimate niche. The merchandise was available direct from the Best Brains Inc. catalogue, hopefully out of Joel’s living room. Most of my collection came from it, other than the Rhino VHS and DVD boxsets and the books written by the cast. I (still have) all my posters, CDs, Post-It Notes, Host Segment VHS tapes, Shorts VHS tapes, Outtakes VHS tapes (called Poopie) the Triple Decker Musica; Segment DVD (that has far fewer songs on it than it should, total bummer).

Sadly, my Crow t-shirt stating “You Know You Want Me, Baby!” has long since fallen apart. That was indeed a tragic day in MSTieVille.

But even with my love for the series as strong as it is, I have a confession to make:

I have not seen every episode.

It’s seriously a very difficult task to accomplish! Hell, there’s 11, soon to be 12 official seasons, plus Season Zero from KTMA Public Access. And as every devout fan knows, no matter how good or funny the riffing is, no matter how hilarious the host segments, sometimes those movies…those fucking movies…are just too hard to sit through.

Go ahead and ask me how many times I fell asleep during The Creeping Terror.

But this show, this fandom, deserves to have its praises sung. I love this fandom. The people I have met, mostly on Twitter, who love MST3K as much as I do are the nicest people in the world. Sweet, warm hearted people who want to help each other, are friendly and accommodating, are empathetic and kind. We laugh together, we quote our favorite lines together, we sing together, and we fucking cosplay together.

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Siiiiiiiiick

Therefore today, I’m going to celebrate my favorite of the favorite moments and people in this amazing show that changed my life, eleven times the show could do no wrong, like when they gave us the best:

 

11. Host

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The controversy around favoring one host over the other is what MST3K fan fights are made of. Someone learns you’re a fan of the show? Great! Their questions come in this order:

Them: You love Mystery Science Theater? Me too! What’s your favorite episode? Oh my god, that one is hilarious! All right, I’ve gotta ask…who’s the best host? Joel or Mike?

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Joel or Mike, Joel or Mike, Joel or Mike. Pick the wrong answer and you’re sent to MSTie Hell. It’s hard…both guys are amazing!

That said, my favorite host is Joel.

 

My feelings for Joel are visceral. I look at that man and I want to take him to the moon. I want to do things to him that fan fictions are made of. I look at his calm, mellow face, sweet, lopsided grin and I want to just do naughty things to him. I love the dorkiness of the invention exchange, which just faded away when Mike took over. I love his cracking voice and inability to sing. I love the fact that he, in his isolated and lonely state built four fucking robots! And still went back up to help Mike and the bots in Soultaker. Mike’s the bro and he gets my full love…but Joel…man…

MST3K Daddy.

 

10. Robot

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My favorite MST3K robot is…CROW!

I love Gypsy’s braindead blathering, which has sadly vanished in the Revival. I love Tom Servo’s sense of importance (and overwhelming tendency to dress in drag). But Crow’s biting sarcasm and snark nail it for me. If it wasn’t for him, we wouldn’t have “Patrick Swayze Christmas”, which as we know, has become a standard.

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But truthfully, part of what attracts me to Crow is his consistency. I can always count on Crow to be Crow. My biggest issue with Tom Servo is that he changes so severely with every new voice actor. I mean, hell, Servo was only beeping during the earliest KTMA episodes. From there, Josh Weinstein provided one iteration. Kevin Murphy solidified the personality and flair of Tom Servo with his interpretation. But come Season 11, Baron Vaughn, despite his efforts, just couldn’t give me a Servo performance I could connect with.

With Crow, it’s the complete opposite. Trace Beaulieu’s performance as Crow was the flagship and just absolutely incredible. It was scary when Trace left and Bill Corbett came in (with the intro even stating “I’m different!” for Crow’s appearance), but Bill picked up where Trace left off so perfectly, in my opinion. Like when Brian Johnson replaced Bon Scott in AC/DC. It was the best replacement it could be if there had to be one. And now in Season 11, Hampton Yount is freaking killing it, with his version of the character falling somewhere between Trace and Bill. I love it. I’m stoked. I feel right at home.

 

9. Mad

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What a performer. Mmm.

My favorite MST3K mad will always be the second iteration of Pearl Forrester. The one that hangs out in a VW Bus with her cronies Brain Guy and Bobo before moving into a kick ass castle with them.

This isn’t to say that Dr. Clayton Forrester isn’t one of the best things to happen to television ever. He so very much is. But for me, Dr. Forrester isn’t much without Frank. The two of them play off each other beautifully. And when Frank left and Original Mama Pearl jumped in, it just wasn’t a very comfortable dynamic to watch.

If you ask me, Dr. Forrester is Joel’s Villain. Pearl belongs to Mike and Mike alone. The way she messes with him is amazing. Her sexual tension with Brain Guy is intriguing. Her energy and phenomenal! Loving Lovers Love and Public Pearl make me laugh until I’m crying.

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Photo Credit: Gil Riego Jr. Photography

Plus, she’s my favorite person to cosplay. She reminds me of myself, and representation for all in the media is very, very important.

 

8. Mad Sidekick

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My favorite MST3K Mad Sidekick goes to TV’s Frank.

When he joined the show in Season 2, it was a relief. I didn’t have any issue with Josh Weinstein. But I didn’t have any connection to him either. He just existed. Frank was amazing. I wanted to give him a hug. He was cluelessly meddling, the same as Forrester, and the two of them were as perfect together as Bert and Ernie. From his “working at Arby’s” fast-food backstory, to corresponding in secret with Dr. Forrester’s Mom, there’s nothing Frank can do wrong in my eyes.

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And the actor, Frank Conniff, looks exactly the same today.

Plus, there are few moments better than when Frank sings When Chauffeurs Rule the World, says “Daddy, there’s a boy outside. His name is Tom,” or had his blood drained and replaced with motor oil.  

(Gotta say though, Brain Guy is a close second, Very, very close)

 

7. Invention Exchange

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My favorite invention exchange has got to be Joel’s Smoking Jacket / Dr. Forrester’s Robotic Arm Wrestling from episode 3-01, “Cave Dwellers”. Something about it– Forrester with his backwards cap. The hilarious camera work, zooming in on Forrester and Frank’s grimacing faces. The whole idea of Robotic Arm Wrestling, with the alien referee present. Joel and the bots jumping up and down yelling “Frank (Frank) Frank (Frank)”, followed by “Forrester, Forrester, Doctor Clayton Forrester!”

Which is something I chant to this day when I’m feeling cute.

Sure, there are more creative inventions over the course of the series. But something about the timing to this one, starting with the opening segment where all the dudes are giving themselves new names, up through Forrester’s “Wait for it!” and moving right into the Invention Exchange, this entire portion is perfect.

 

Host Segment

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All right- you might say I’m cheating a little, but I’m going with the Idiot Control Now sequence from Pod People. Yes, this should qualify as a musical segment/song, but I’m not for two reasons. One, it’s not on my Triple Decker DVD. And two, it’s not on my Clowns in the Sky CD. Therefore, if the boys don’t qualify this hilarious segment as a musical segment, then neither do I.

This host segment is nothing short of a big blast of ballistic hilarity.

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If you haven’t seen the episode, there’s a terribly wonderful scene where a smug-singer jerk is singing a retched song with three female backup singers grooving behind him. He keeps making what I suppose are fuck-eyes at the surveyors. At the recording dock, there’s a girl (“the producer’s daughter”) and a man wearing a shirt that reads I’m a Virgin. They comment “He’s pretty good!” to which Virgin man scoffs and says “Good? He’s the BEST.”

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At the end of the song, the singer flashes the three-fingers A-OK sign before sneering and declaring “It stinks!”

So, of course, the boys had to do it even better, with hilarious lyrics that are almost nonsensical.

 

5. Song

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While few things beat the hilarity of the song Clowns in the Sky, Loving Lovers Love and Tubular Boobular Joy today I’m giving top billing to Hired! Original Broadway Cast. Simply because of how grand the production of it was. This song came after the strange “Buy Chevrolet” short the boys were forced to watch.

I love how each character has a unique part in the song, really tying in that musical theater vibe. It also sounds like everyone is really bringing their singing A-Game, including Gypsy’s off-key “Come on and have some LEMONADE!” and Tom Servo’s “I suck at my job!”

That said, The Waffle Song still comes out of my face on the regular while I’m making breakfast.

 

4. Short

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Oh, my stars, there are just so many good shorts. From No Springs, to Personal Hygiene, Dairy Farm, The Home Economics Short, and so many amazing ones. But the best for me is the disaster that is Mr. B Natural.

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It’s such a staple. Everything about this short is so bizarre. Even as the guys put it, Mr. B Natural is like some kind of strange Peter Pan sprite of music. There are so many amazing riffs in this movie. “Oh, Mr. B….Mr. B, you’re hot!” Up to “We’re white, we’re white, we’re really, really white.” And Crow’s shouting of “Yeah, great that’s really nice…Mooooooooom!” when Mr. B appears in the protagonist of the short’s room when teaching him about the wonders and magic of music.

 

3. Movie

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This one is a catch. We all have our favorites. The best of the best. And for me, those bests are Cave Dwellers, Space Mutiny, Overdrawn at the Memory Bank, Manos the Hands of Fate, Eegah, Soultaker, Mitchell, and Pod People. But which one reigns supreme for me? The movie I can watch at any time when someone says “Let’s watch MST3K?”

Cave Dwellers, hands down. Followed by Overdrawn at the Memory Bank.

Before I saw Cave Dwellers, I’d been subjected to mostly the unwatchable black and white films. The Creeping Terror, Bloodlust, and a few others. Cave Dwellers was not only the first color film I saw on the series (yes, it made a difference) but it was the first episode I quoted with a madness that would officially convert me into a MSTie.

 

2. Joke/Quote

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Fewer things are more satisfying that yelling out a really enthusiastic “WE’VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!”. But after that, it’s hard to peg down. While I laugh myself stupid every time I watch Mitchell and the boys sing “Mitchell, high on the sammich! Mitchell, heart’s pounding. Mitchell, vein’s clogging, MITCHELL!” followed by some mean wakka chikkas…. I think one joke that makes me lose my mind is…

Tom Servo’s Manos Rant

The first time I watched the atrocious Manos: The Hands of Fate and this scene popped up near the end of the film, I think I laughed myself off my chair. Like, literal on the floor laughing. This is riffing and (what feels like) improv at its best.

One way I knew that this joke was the master was when I watched the RiffTrax boys do Manos: The Hands of Fate live recording. Their jokes were very different from the MST3K riff, and it was great. But when this scene came at the end of the movie and there was no Tom Servo Manos Rant, I definitely felt its loss.

 

1. Original Nightmarish Design

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This might seem like a strange category, but keep in mind that I love prototypes, original designs, and weird things that once were. I adore seeing the original bot designs, set designs, voices used for characters and personality traits that have come and gone. And while Original Cambot is nightmare fuel, but few things are as terrifying as Original Gypsy.

And yes, that is the BEST.

It’s not even so much the look, which is basically a skin and bones version of her. Kind of like the MST version of C3PO in Episode I without his gold plating.

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Fear.

Some wonderful MSTie also caught on to the terrifying majesty that was original Gypsy and made this video here so you can really understand the fear-inducing grunt screams that came out of this character before Jim Mallon reeled it in with his sweetly adorable muppety interpretation.

 

We’ve reached the end of our countdown! Do you agree? Disagree? What are your favorite moments from the show? Tell us, because we want to know!

And until then…

Push the button, Frank.

 

Follow Loryn on Twitter and let her be your Clown in the Sky. Her debut novel My Starlight (a queer YA contemporary about anime, cosplaying, and loss) will be released by Affinity Rainbow Publications on August 3rd, 2018.

 

If you like what you see here, you can follow PopLurker on Twitter and Facebook!

 

10 Absolutely Legitimate, Scientifically Proven Reasons why Jennifer’s Body is Better Than Citizen Kane

10 Absolutely Legitimate, Scientifically Proven Reasons why Jennifer’s Body is Better Than Citizen Kane

By Jenn Coulter

 

In 2009, Karyn Kusama and Diablo Cody blessed the viewing public with the cinematic masterpiece Jennifer’s Body. Yes, you heard me correctly.

Cinematic. Fucking. Masterpiece.

Unfortunately, none of the viewing public went to see said masterpiece. The majestic movie was a box-office flop, making only $6 million its opening weekend, and maintains a measly 43% on Rotten Tomatoes. This is a real shame, because Jennifer’s Body is the best thing to happen to film since Citizen Kane. No, it’s better than Citizen Kane, actually. Trust me, I’m an expert.

I went to film school.

 

What the Films (Surprisingly) Have in Common

Before we get into my reasons, let’s look at what the movies have in common. Other than both having vague movie posters that explain nothing, they were both box office tanks. Jennifer’s Body flopped partially because the movie was falsely advertised as a (horny) horror movie. It’s actually a (horny) horror-comedy. The marketing was pushed more towards young, boner-amped teenage boys, (you know, the ones that need to be over 17 or have their parent present…ew).

But, in its much-needed defense, the actual movie content is kind of tough to sell, which even the cast acknowledged.

Hell,  as Megan Fox puts it:

“The movie is about a man-eating, cannibalistic lesbian cheerleader, and that pretty much eliminates middle America.”

Citizen Kane did poorly at the box office because big-deal-newspaper-publisher William Randolph Hearst hated the movie so much he barred newspapers from writing about it. Why’d he hate the movie? Oh, because the entire movie is essentially dedicated to bullying him. Protagonist Charles Foster Kane is based on Hearst, and throughout the film Kane gets progressively shittier and more pathetic. Naturally, Hearst was not pleased with this portrayal. With no reviews or even mentions of Citizen Kane in the paper, moviegoers passed on seeing a stuffy movie about capitalism and sleds.

Both movies also caused big problems for their respective stars’ careers. Have you seen Megan Fox in anything lately? Like, other than that (so bad it’s almost good, but mostly not at all) Ninja Turtles movie? And who knows, maaaaybe Megan Fox really did just go on hiatus to raise Brian Austin Green’s babies, but really, there’s nannies for that shit, so we at PopLurker aren’t playing that card!

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Besides, we think she’s  really good actress

But after all the drama surrounding Transformers led to her being called “ungrateful trailer trash” for complaining about how known sexist asshole Michael Bay treated her, there was a lot riding on her role in Jennifer’s Body. When it didn’t do well, followed by a few other flops like Jonah Hex, it ended the Megan Fox Hollywood hype.

Citizen Kane landed Welles in hot water because he pissed off one of the most powerful businessmen in America by making it. Studio RKO was not pleased by all this, especially since they lost so much money making the ambitious film. Studio heads were a bit iffy about working with Welles after all that.

The final thing they have in common is that neither film gets the recognition they truly deserve. Jennifer’s Body deserves to be heralded as the greatest movie of all time instead of just being known as, “That Movie Where Megan Fox Kisses a Girl” while Citizen Kane should be knocked down many pegs and be known only as “That Movie Where Megan Fox Does Not Kiss a Girl.”

All right- Enough comparing one golden film to an over-hyped shit heap.

Let’s get to the real goods. The thing that all of you are ready to see!

Here are ten reasons why Jennifer’s Body is the superior film.

 

10. Citizen Kane lacks the emotional depth of Jennifer’s Body

Sure, sure, Citizen Kane was doing things with the camera that no one ever thought to do before. Like, apparently Orson Welles was the first person to ever shoot a camera up at the ceiling or something. But story is what really makes a movie, and Citizen Kane’s pales in comparison to that of Jennifer’s Body. Needy Lesnicky has so much at stake here – her boyfriend might get eaten by her best friend who was sacrificed to the devil by an aspiring indie rock band.

What’s Citizen Kane even about? Newspapers? Being mean to your second wife? Watch the scene where Jennifer gets sacrificed and tell me you don’t feel raw emotion watching her get stabbed while Adam Brody sings “867-5309” by Tommy Tutone.

 

9. Citizen Kane only has that one memorable line, and Jennifer’s Body has like, fifty

Citizen-Kane

“Rosebud.” Ooooh, it symbolizes his true desires and how material things mean nothing and blah blah blah. Yeah, big deal.

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Still waiting for the Director’s Cut with “Oh, what luck. There is a French Fry stuck in my beard” to come out

You know what would have been better? If Charles Foster Kane’s last words were, “Got a tampon? You seemed like you might be plugging.” Literally any line from Jennifer’s Body would have been infinitely better and more memorable. “Rosebud” cannot compete with the golden lines like “Nice hardware, Ace” “This is gonna be gnarly” or “I will eat your soul and shit it out.”

 

8. Citizen Kane didn’t win a single MTV Movie Award

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Yeah, Citizen Kane got nominated for nine different Academy Awards. But honestly, do we even trust the Oscars anymore? Even Suicide Squad has an Oscar, but that doesn’t make it the greatest film ever made. An Academy Award means nothing, but an MTV Movie Award means everything, and Amanda Seyfried was awarded one in the prestigious “Best Scared-As-Shit Performance” category. Jennifer’s Body also earned Megan Fox a Teen Choice Award for “Choice Movie Actress: Horror/Thriller.” Did Citizen Kane ever get a Teen Choice Award? Noooope.

 

7. Jennifer’s Body’s soundtrack is vastly superior

Citizen Kane’s soundtrack was put together by Bernard Herrman. Who is Bernad Herrman? I don’t know, but he’s definitely not Brendan Urie, lead singer of Panic! At the Disco and performer of Jennifer’s Body trailer song “New Perspective.” The Jennifer’s Body soundtrack is full of songs by pop-punk champions like Hayley Williams, All Time Low, Dashboard Confessional, and Cute Is What We Aim For. The reason the film has so many emo darlings is because pop-punk titan Fueled by Ramen was the label in charge. Which brings us to my next point…

 

6. Citizen Kane did not give me free stickers with my purchase from the Fueled By Ramen store

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Granted, they may have only sent me these stickers because no one was actually buying them but…all I ever got from Citizen Kane was a C on my film history paper.

 

5. Citizen Kane features absolutely zero bisexual icons named Megan Fox

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Bisexual representation is hard to find, and when Jennifer Check said, “I go both ways,” it changed my life. Jennifer’s Body is slowly but surely becoming known as a “queer classic,” while Citizen Kane is just a lame “regular classic” that does not star real life bisexual Megan Fox.

Yawn.

 

4. If Citizen Kane is such a technical masterpiece, why didn’t it feature anyone floating in the air?

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I admit that Citizen Kane did have some innovative camera tricks. But Jennifer’s Body still did better. During the climax of the movie, Megan Fox is not only seen floating in the air above a pool, but she also gets an entire pole rammed through her.

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I doubt Orson Welles could have pulled anything like that off. Jennifer’s Body also made Jennifer’s victims look like “lasagna with teeth,” which is something only a master makeup artist and production designer could put together. Meanwhile, Citizen Kane had a random RKO janitor doing their old man makeup. Booo.

 

3. Jennifer’s Body shaped the face of cinema just as much as Citizen Kane did

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Well. It changed the face of student films from New Jersey that I never finished making, anyways. Do you know how many scripts I wrote in college that were inspired by Jennifer’s Body? Many. Do you know how many were inspired by Citizen Kane? None. Because Citizen Kane, if you haven’t already figured out, sucks. I had to watch that shit three times for three separate classes. This translates to, “I fell asleep three times in three separate classes.”

 

2. They’re not even sure who actually wrote Citizen Kane

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However, we know exactly who wrote Jennifer’s Body – absolute genius and gift to the cinematic world, Diablo Cody. Orson Welles is credited as writing the screenplay with Herman Mankiewicz, but it’s been said that Welles didn’t write a single word. I would believe he didn’t write any of it, because…

 

1. Orson Welles is a hack

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On set of Citizen Kane, Welles basically drove his body into the ground. He drank thirty to forty cups of coffee a day and got caffeine poisoning, and then tried switching to tea and got sick all over again. In one scene of the movie, there’s stock footage of pterodactyls flying in the background instead of birds because the production cheaped out and projected scenes from an old sci-fi movie.

Welles also treated actress Dorothy Comingore like shit on set, and then said “I’m not mistreating her. I treat her exactly as she expects to be treated. He even got booed at the 1941 Oscars ceremony, because he’s a hack. Meanwhile, Jennifer’s Body director Karyn Kusama has left her movies pterodactyl-less and doesn’t seem to be abusing any of her co-workers, and therefore is Not a Hack.
There you have it. Ten absolutely legitimate, scientifically proven reasons why Jennifer’s Body deserves to be crowned the new greatest movie ever, and why Citizen Kane should probably just be thrown into the trash. It took many, many years before people actually recognized the “genius” of Citizen Kane, so hopefully, in a few years the American sheeple will wake up and embrace Jennifer’s Body for the landmark film it is. I mean, honestly. Citizen Kane isn’t even named after a Hole song.

Why are we still giving it any attention?

 

Jenn loves anime and thinks Jennifer’s Body is the jam. Follow her on Twitter!

If you like what you see here, you can follow PopLurker on Twitter and Facebook!

I Found My Favorite Band HOW?! 4 Ways I Became an Early-2000’s Emo Kid Today

I Found My Favorite Band HOW?! 4 Ways I Became an Early-2000’s Emo Kid Today

By Caesar Orzell

 

They said I could be anything. You know, the mysterious and ominous “they” of TV commercials and personal anecdotes. I could be writer, a singer, an artist, hell, even a movie director.

So why, why, why on earth did I decide to become an early 2000s emo teen (or rather) a parody of one, in Twenty-fucking-Eighteen?!

PSA: Writing is my jam, and my constructed identity as an emo-kid is only a part-time gig. So please, no autographs yet.

That said, what made a kid born in the year 2000 want to emulate a style that was popular in 2002?

Well, it all started with a Meme and a touch of something called…

 

4. Bile Fascination

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This Penny Arcade comic sums it up

Like many kids from every bygone era, I was always glued to the TV. I’d watch just about anything.

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Well…almost anything

I consumed MTV and VH1. Like a tennis match, I’d flip-flop between the two, going from music video to music video (yes, they did play those). I can vividly remember watching the music videos to Fall Out Boy’s “Sugar, We’re Goin Down” and blink-182’s “I Miss You”.

Those were amazing; I lived for those songs.

I guess I was emo before I knew it.

So, with the knowledge of those bands and my newfound love, I learned they were considered emo perhaps by word of mouth. I didn’t go on the Internet too often back then, so it couldn’t have been from that. To me, initially, they were just rock songs.

But lo and behold, my interest in “emo stuff” was born in eighth grade, when I met a girl named Emma in theatre class. She was your stereotypical emo/scene/goth chick, with the straight black hair and equally black clothes. I always remembered her talking about My Chemical Romance 24/7, and she even used their song “I Don’t Love You” as one of her acts for an assignment. You could tell she loved My Chem because she wore the same shirt of theirs at least twice a week.

My chem shirt
If you need to recruit a team of teenagers with attitude, just follow the smell of this shirt

That one.

You could say I was fascinated by her. She was so exotic to me. She was one of those who wasn’t afraid to be her geeky self, and I loved her for that. After eighth grade, I shelved the emo-fascination thing, and pretended to be annoyed every time I walked into Hot Topic to look for My Little Pony and anime items. That’s where the Bile Fascination comes in. You see, Bile Fascination is a phenomenon where you ironically hate something to the point where you know everything about it.

 

3. Attack of the Obscure Meme: The Obsession Hits Full Force

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I had just turned sixteen, and I’m watching a video of people watching cringe compilations. That’s sort of like the music version of watching a porn compilation full of surprise-vomit-gag ruiners. Everything was normal, until they got to this video of three Game Boy Advance systems lined up playing Pokemon with some song in the background.

What was this song?

Then suddenly, like a the most delicious rainbow roll poking through the ashes, a disembodied voice said, “SUM 41. NO REASON. LIVE IN ONTARIO 2005!”

I typed that in verbatim. I listened to it…and I thought it was the worst thing I ever heard.

Naturally, in Bile Fascination form, I downloaded the album version from Musicpleer and put it on my iPod Nano so I could listen to it with feverish obsession…

Ironically, of course.

 

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Two months later, me and my dad are playing Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock for the Wii. We had just unlocked a new set. Excited, I opened it, hoping that that one Fall Out Boy song would be in there somewhere, since I was on a FOB kick. But instead, I saw something even more titillating.

A Sum 41 song.

I yelled at Dad that we were to play it first, and that it didn’t matter, because it was SUM FREAKING 41, and WHO CARES that I barely knew who they were and that I didn’t even care for them that much, because I KNEW THEM!

THEY WERE A MEME, DAD.

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Dad sees that you’re happy but cannot process further…

We played “Motivation”, and it was actually pretty good. And welp, there went another illegally downloaded song onto my iPod, under the album aptly named “Guitar Hero Songs.”

Creative, right?

Once more chance encounter with Sum41 awaited me once their new single called “Fake My Own Death” came out and one of my favorite music reviewers filmed a reaction video to it.

It was totally r/fellowkids worthy.

The review got me so curious that I actually watched the video for it myself and cringed a lot. But that was how my obsession with the band started, because OHMIGOD THAT SONG WAS SO AWESOME TO ME. It sounded like an anime opening- so epic, heavy, quick and melodic- so of course it went straight to my iPod, on replay constantly.

powerwolf - Army of the Night Joke
Then again, PowerWolf’s Army of the Night sounds like an anime theme too, so….

 

Just listening to that song had led me to creating a Pandora station for them, downloading “The Hell Song,” “Fat Lip”, and “Still Waiting” in that order, and eventually listening to All Killer, No Filler in its entirety.

Ironically, of course.

But then, out of nowhere, it wasn’t ironically. I was enraptured. The Sums had got me by the scruff of the neck, and I didn’t care, because to me they were the System of a Down of 2016, and God dang it was I going to listen to every one of their albums, singles, and bonus tracks before their new album, 13 Voices came out on October 7th. I was officially emo, much to my chagrin.

The next natural step was…

 

2. Finding a Boo

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I had caved in and started listening to the Emo Trinity, and other songs from some pop punk mashup video that I had heard earlier that summer. Coincidentally, this was around the time that I had this really weird dream that involved me befriending three cute anime schoolgirls. Doesn’t sound that weird, right?

What if I told you one of them was a trap?

Cone

Or, more specifically… this guy, Jason “Cone” McCaslin, the bassist of Sum 41 and my soon-to-be-friend/crush. That moment right there- me discovering who the heck that guy was- was the Beginning of the End.

I say that because I’m still obsessing over him to this day. (A little less extremely, though.)

Fans of German rock band Tokio Hotel scream during a concert in Lisbon
Hey, it could be worse

My life changed on October 5th, 2016 when he first liked and retweeted one of my tweets, which was a picture of him as hedgehog (as in Sonic the hedgehog) that my friend drew for me. The beginning of a niiice friendship, where I gave and gave and he received and received.

Cone Retweet 2Cone Retweet

Go ahead and read the “OHHHH” in Big Smoke’s voice.

But I’m not kidding about the whole “Me and him becoming friends” thing, because I actually became a totally dedicated fan. Over the course of the rest of the year and 2017, I sent him tons of tweets and quite a few emails, and he actually liked most of them and replied to most of them, too. I even made him an almost eight-minute-long birthday video that included tons of memes and jokes that he wouldn’t get, but he replied to me on Twitter saying that he “loved it!” anyway, and even thanked me for making it.

The confirmation of our friendship was made on the 26th of September, marking a year since I thought of him more than just “that one cute guy in the band.” I was in choir class and I turned on my phone to see if he responded, and after a few minutes of having it on, my phone buzzed and I was alerted with a message that I got an email, and it said, and I quote:

“I thought we were friends?”

I. Peed. Myself.

That was his response was to my asking if we could be friends, because he had done so much for me, as a lowly fan. (When I mean “so much,” I mean putting up with my hyper-annoying, hormonal self.)

And apparently, we already WERE?!?! This was Fangirling 2.0: The Next Level: The Movie: The Book: The Game.

And that whole “he’s thirty-seven, married with a kid and emotionally unavailable? Ah, fuck it. That’s not important!

He retweeted me, damn it!

 

1. Embracing the Meme and Attending a Korncert

Korn (your pleasure, my torture)
My Pain, Your Thrill

By now, my early 2000s bands CD collection was bigger than a boner in a pie in 2003. I had them all, Pop punk? I’ve got blink-182, Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, and Sum 41. Nu-metal? Linkin Park, System of a Down, Korn, and Disturbed. Alternative metal? Incubus, Taproot, and Papa Roach. Post-grunge? Foo Fighters, Staind, and Seether. In May, my dad asked me if I wanted to see a concert with him. And considering that I missed out on both Warped Tour 2016 (R.I.P.) and Sum coming to Detroit (on account of me not being 100% emo yet) and that whole school thing, I was more than ready to oblige.

It came down to Incubus with Jimmy Eat World…

INCUBUS

or Korn with Stone Sour.

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Oof.

Incubus vs. Korn? Talk about torture.

I thought about it all day, making a list in my head of all the songs I knew by each band and what mood I was in. In the end, I picked Korn, much to Dad’s disappointment (and later, when I became an Incubus and Jimmy fan, mine).

I listened to every album of theirs in preparation for the concert.

(Or, as I called it, the Korncert, because HA! Puns and Game Grumps references.)

Stop, don’t, come back!

But, you know what? I really enjoyed that freaking concert, and Dad did too, I think. Being there with all these tattooed, cigarette-smelling people who actually turned out to be really nice. Plus, I got to show off all my newly-acquired KORN knowledge. And joke was on them! I knew nothing about the damn band just a few months earlier!

All while wearing earbuds, because I don’t wanna be deaf at such a young age.

Isn’t modern instant Google search life awesome?!

::crickets::

But you know something, in full seriousness? Being at that concert sincerely taught me a valuable lesson I wish I’d learned earlier.

Embrace yourself.

Don’t become another casualty of society, or victim of conformity and back down. Be a freak on a leash. Pardon yourself while you burst into flames, because I guess this is growing up.

*monkey noises*

 

Follow Caesar on Twitter for an insightful outlook on life and their endless quest of bugging Cone.

 

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Creepsville in Cock Rock: 7 Times Album Covers Made Us Cringe

Creepsville in Cock Rock: 7 Times Album Covers Made Us Cringe

By Loryn Stone / Jonathan Meisner

Great bands, great music. Those two are synonymous. Great bands, great album covers? Well, that’s not always the case. Terrible band, terrible album cover? Sure, that’s a digestible reality to accept. Terrible band, amazing album cover? Huh- whadya know. That can happen, too.

Okay, I’ve made myself dizzy.

But when a band you love consistently produces albums with covers that make you raise an eyebrow, what do you do? How do you explain it to your nosy-ass friend who insists on digging through your CD or Vinyl collection, laughing at your Killer Pussy album and telling you they’re getting hard for your Appetite for Destruction album? What do you do then? Make new friends?

::ponders for a moment::

There are many articles out there covering terrible album art, but we here at PopLurker took it one step further. Today we’re presenting to you the best/worst Hair-Metal-Cock-Rock albums that take that journey to Creepsville to the extra place.

Because around here, we really like to focus on that Lurker part of life.

7. Scorpions Can’t Get Out of Creep-Mode

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It almost goes without saying that Scorpions is one of the greatest rock bands of all time. With hits like “Rock You Like a Hurricane”, “No One Like You”, “Big City Nights”, and “Winds of Change” the band is a rock and roll staple with a distinct and unforgettable sound.

Then why in the ever-loving-hell can’t they keep the cringe away from their album covers?

Their first controversy came almost 40 years ago on their album Virgin Killer, where a nude image of a ten-year-old girl with obstructed genitalia graced the cover. The album was pulled from shelves and replaced with a less creepy band photo.

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Although still, few people make me as uncomfortable as that Scorpions guitarist.

And while our buddies over at Cracked already slammed the Lovedrive album cover for the bubblegum boob (but yo, check out his gaze on her. I’m sorry, to me, that shit is way sexy), it’s a shame that the Animal Magnetism cover was left out. Because nothing says devotion like a game of “ready, set, suck it.”

With my bros the Scorpions, these aren’t just problems created in the vacuum called the 1980s. My Berlin-Boys were causing trouble right up until last year when their 2017 album was dropped with the less-than-subtle name Born to Touch Your Feelings.

Scorpions Born to Touch Your Feelings

Guys, we’re in hostile times. How about you keep your touching hands off my everything and we’ll keep it to the music?

6. Poison Generates Nightmare Fuel

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I don’t even know where to start with Poison’s Open Up and Say Ahhh cover art.

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The picture just looks like the bassist’s sister needed to get in on the action and daddy was the music producer who said if his little girl wasn’t allowed on the cover, then Poison would never play another gig in this town again.

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Uncanny Resemblance!

Oh, and then do an impression of Gene Simmons meets Lion-O for that ultimate hard-ass edge.

This album cover isn’t so upsetting in and of itself. Until you factor in the fear that Poison is the most unmetal band ever. Really, their sound boarders harder on Rockabilly and homeboy Bret Michaels totally dressed the part too. That aside, look at this cover. Does it remind you of anything? It reminds me of something. Maybe some demon creature from Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark?

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Never Sleep Again…

Commencing nightmares, now.

5. Van Halen Takes the Wasteland to an Uncomfortable Place

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Van Halen is the shit. Half legit band, half self-proclaimed sex symbol, David Lee Roth was the coolest front man short of a rock and roll clown doing lot of cocaine. Hell, I even bought a new pair of jeans the other day and promptly described the color as “Van Halen Blue”. The band left their impact, musically and aesthetically. And after looking at a picture of young Van Halen and realized that David Lee Roth looks suspiciously like Elaine Carroll of the old Very Mary Kate sketches, my respect and love for the band multiplied by like, infinity billion.

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Which made it even stranger when the cover of the band’s album Balance came to my attention. Aside from the abandoned wasteland behind the two (unnecessarily naked) girls, conjoined twins or not, there’s nothing less cock-rock-metal that children on an album cover.

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Let alonetwo of them.

4. Stryper Takes it to a (strangely) Literal Place

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I wish someone was brave enough to tell these guys that if your music is any good, you don’t need a stripy schtick. But clearly, no one did. In the 3rd grade a friend of mine brought a metal mag to school. In it were photos of different bands with a brief bio on each, and these guys were included in it. My 8-year-old brain couldn’t comprehend the Y in their name and I called them Stripper for months. And I doubt I was the only one to do that! What maroons.

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Speaking of maroons, this cover for their Isaiah 53:5 is a strange beast. They’ve painted an ambulance it appears in their trademark black and yellow stripes, and…they’re brandishing automatic weapons? Are they supposed to be some sort of Christian A-team?

I looked up the actual bible verse from Isaiah 53:5 just to see if I was missing some kind of symbolic tie in. But that was reaching too far for something that actually made sense. It goes as thus:

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

I mean, I guess those weird-ass assault rifles will cause some wounds. Other than that, these dudes look like bumblebee wasp kidnapping assassins and it’s all just in a bad place. But speaking of WASP…

3. WASP Front Man KNOWS He’s The Sex

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One of my favorite things about WASP, aside from their underrated and kick ass music is front man/bassist Blackie Lawless’ unshakable confidence. That dude walks into a room, sets himself up in front of that camera, and he’s ready for everyone in the room to want to fuck him.

Cabbage Patch Kid face, Codpiece, and all. Just look at the cover for the incredible album The Last Command. Look at this man’s face. He’s phenomenal.

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But to the untrained eye, one might see the covers for Electric Circus and the single for Animal (Fuck Like A Beast) and think there’s a severe or violent problem here. But those are mistakes made by those who don’t understand the majesty of a Fuck-God like Blackie.

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All right, the bloody crotch might be a little more than we needed.

2. Whitesnake Vs. Their Cover Art for Ultimate Creep Status

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You remember Whitesnake. These guys on the wrong side of 40 with their flashy jackets and teased, layered hair. Although there’s no scientific evidence to prove it, I feel like these guys were really the nail on the coffin of that cock-rock genre. You remember their hit song “Here I Go Again”. Bet it’s the only Whitesnake song you know.

It featured this gorgeous woman:

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pretending she had to be into this guy:

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Not a good scenario for anybody.

That said, the album cover for Lovehunter is way cooler than any song Whitesnake has ever written.

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Why didn’t they just go right for it and make some badass sleazy tentacle porn? Why stop with the woman and the snake? And let’s take a look at their self-title LP.

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You go ahead and tell me that snake’s mouth isn’t playing a less-than-subtle game of Peekaboo Pussy.

Because it is. I see it.

1. Bands Posing like Looming, Leering Creeps

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There are fewer things more terrifying than another person looming over you, taking up your personal space. Which is why the last thing on our list will be addressing this awesome trend in terrible album photography. Just looking at Dagger’s Not Afraid of the Night, I’m immediately remind of some kind of Final Fantasy cosplay land, especially dude on the far left or the bands right. He sort of looks like Kuja from Final Fantasy IX.

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I was also stoked that these guys are Canadian, Montreal specifically. Representation at last! Too bad they didn’t sing in French…

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Not that women aren’t guilty, too. See, this beautiful woman from the Firehouse album looks like she’s ready to sing you to sleep and then ruin your life…

sinner

But coming in second for the leering in the night award goes to Sinner on their album cover for Comin’ Out Fighting. Comin’ Out Creepin’ would have been a more appropriate album name. Look at these guys. They look like the type of dudes who would follow you out to your car if you caught them spiking your drink.

Two things immediately come to mind while looking at the cover. One, why is John Carpenter a member of this band, and two was he busy directing Big Trouble in Little China at the time this cover was shot? Considering this thing looks like he was photoshopped in at the last minute? John Carpenter’s doppelganger stands out to me on this cover for sure. It makes me think of the Sesame Street “One of These Things is Not Like the Other” song. The look in their eyes conjures forth a harrowing quote from the cinematic masterpiece Billy Madison.

Stop looking at me, swan!

Loryn and Jonathan have awesome taste in music, and you can find them both geeking out on Twitter. Or drinking the pain away. Pretty good chance that’s happening, too.

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15 Worst Sexual Fetishes Ever Projected Onto Us

15 Worst Sexual Fetishes Ever Projected Onto Us

By PopLurker Readers

 

Sexy-time fetishes.

Everyone has a right to the things they’re into. As long as everyone is of age, consenting, and safe, the sky’s the limit as far as sexual creativity can go. After all, good sex is good sex and it comes in all sorts of surprising shapes, packages, and acts.

That said, have you ever had someone just decide you’re the one who’s going to make all their weird fetishes come true? Like, they project that shit onto you before you’ve even had time for your coffee to cool down?

I wondered if I was alone in this phenomenon or if it happens on the regular. Thus, I heeded the call to action and threw this question out to the PopLurker Readers:

What were some of the strangest sexual fetishes that were uninvitingly projected onto you?

The answers received were nothing short of incredible.

 

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I once dated someone who asked me to dump a gallon of milk on my body. I declined, but when I went home, I had to look it up to see if it was a real thing. Low and behold, it was: Milk Porn is a real thing.

 

 

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I’m an artist, and one time I was asked to draw this wolf with big feet. I was like, okay, seems harmless enough. Then the same guy kept asking me to draw more and more and even more weirder scenarios, like getting them tied and tickled and stuff like that, asking me to make the feet bigger and bigger until I ultimately said I just can’t do this anymore.

 

 

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The stupid school girl outfit. That might be someone else’s thing, but keep that one away from me.

 

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Don’t even begin to get me started on guys who see transgender women as a fetish (chasers). They are so so creepy, have asked really gross questions about my body, and acted like I’m some exotic piece of meat and that I should feel grateful to them for their attention. Because I’m trans they act like supposed to have no self esteem and/or interested in sex work and they act like so it’s okay to treat me any way they like.

 

 

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I went on a blind date and wore a pair of super tight, shiny leather pants. Like the kind from The Matrix. My date was super into them. To the point where every date we went on, he was obsessively asking about these pants. Yeah, it was very creepy and we didn’t go out again after that.

 

 

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It’s always a little unsettling when someone lays out their kink cards the first time they ever send you a message.

 

 

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I’ve been asked in the act to violently slap the guy across the face. I wouldn’t do it. 

 

 

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A date asked me once if we could roleplay. I was like yeah, I’m down…then he asked if I could pretend I was his daughter. Like hardcore daddy/daughter fetish — pigtails and little girl pajamas. Needless to say, I didn’t show up to that dinner date. WTF!

 

 

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I can’t stand it when a guy sticks me in a dress or skirt in his fantasies and tells me about it. It’s so generic and anyone who knows me is very aware that I don’t do dresses or skirts. I get the appeal, and hell, I love seeing women in dresses and skirts, too! But for me, it’s so impersonal.

 

 

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Rape scenario fetish…sorry hun, I’m down for pretty much anything, but I can’t get into that.

 

 

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I was asked to shit in someone’s mouth.

 

 

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An older man came into my job. He was in thigh high boots, a see-thru dress, naked under, with a butt plug/flogger in his ass telling me he wanted to make me and my boyfriend his submissives.

 

 

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Because I’m a professional masseuse, I get “happy endings” requests projected onto me.

 

 

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I dated a girl who had a dreadlock fetish. She hounded me to dread my hair because it turned her on so much. Reluctantly, I finally did it. We broke up soon after.

 

 

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STAY AWAY FROM MY BUTT HOLE! That is an exit only for me. Don’t massage it, don’t lick it, don’t even think about it. That’s what I have a clitoris and pussy for!

 

Well when you put it that way…

 

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